Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Military Boyfriend
The boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years now, but for the last year he has been stationed in Japan. When he got his orders for his next duty station, it turns out he has to spend another year in Japan. Because we are not married, I cannot go with him. We have talked extensively and plan on getting married, but there never seems to be time. Yes, he gets leave, but that's not nearly long enough for the wedding we both want. I'm really just not sure what to do anymore- I have waited for him for a year and a half now while he has been serving in the Marines because I can't imagine my life without him, but if we are not going to move forward with our relationship then we are just wasting each others time. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, just not in separate countries. I don't want to wait another year or two or more just to find that we won't get married. I want children within the next 6 years and sitting around waiting for something that may or may not happen is not helping me reach my life goals. COMMENTS? ADVICE?
Re: Military Boyfriend
Sounds like you need to decide if your dream wedding is more important than living in the same country with this man. A wedding is a few hours in your lifetime. Is having that few hours go exactly as you pictured it worth spending years apart in order to get it?
If your answer is yes, I'm inclined to think you want to GET married. That's different from wanting to BE married. If I were you, and I was sure I wanted to be with him forever, I'd just get married on his next leave and then move to Japan to be with him. It wouldn't be worth all that time apart just to have a fancy party.
But you're also talking to a woman who got married in a court house because it was cheap, simple and fast. It meant no less to us than if we had had a giant fancy to do. We got right to being married without the financial and emotional stress of planning a giant event. I've never regretted that decision for a minute.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Usually on the spur of the moment --- they invited whoever could attend and they chose somewhere to have the wedding that was available on a moment's notice.
That's how WWII couples did it back then.
Have you at length spoken to him?
Asked him if marriage was imminent and if it is, you want a date set.
If he won't set a date, reconsider this gent. You want to get married; you want a guy who is most definitely on the same page as you are.
If it's marriage:
You can do this yourself -- pick a restaurant and invite only your most nearest and dearest --- that's what counts, not a cast of hundreds --- and go somewhere for a mini honeymoon. Pick something close, or far, or whatever you can accommodate in that length of time.
There are many places to go where you can buy a gown at a monent's notice -- borrow it, buy it on consignment, try off the rack or have somebody you know make it.
You could even fly to Japan yourself and have the wedding there. It would be cool --- go see the local sites in Japan and maybe one of the surrounding countries.
All of this. DH was in the Air Force, but I made it very clear that I was not on board for a life long career in the AF. If it had been then I seriously I would have married him. For some the values that their branch stands for defines them as well. It is not just a career but part of who they are. You need to have a serious conversation with him about your long term goals and what that looks like. Be honest with yourself.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
The 10 bridesmaids, a trillion guests at some overpriced wedding venue and a gown costing well into the thousands? Anybody can have that at anytime. Sounds to me that this is what you're after.
You can't always get what you want.
The crux of your problem: seems like this guy is putting you off. Cheez, anybody can go to a town hall, get 2 witnesses and that's the wedding. Does he want to do even this?
Another thing: how old is everybody in this scenario? Everyone sounds mighty young.
I am 24 and he is 26.
I've been a military brat, and a military wife. If you dont like the fact that hes away so much you mind as well find yourself another man. As a PP said you will spend a lot of time being a single mother/ lonely wife. The military finds alll kinds of ways(intentionally or not) to screw you over. Things always seem to happen at the worst times and all you can do is roll with the punches...nothing else.
If you really want to marry the guy then do the court house wedding for now and plan your big wedding for when his tour is done. Just remember that being married to him is not going to make being away any easier.
I agree with PP. But also
Seriously? A wedding is 1 day - 2 if you get crazy with it. He doesn't have enough leave for 1 day and maybe a nice 5 day honeymoon?
You can have the wedding you want (assuming you have the $$) but you'll just have to plan it without a lot of involvement from him. Are you saying you don't have the time to plan with him the way you want? That is different - it's the military life, you really just have to suck it up.
And even with him in Japan, he can still be involved in planning. My wedding planning was easily done 80% online and that was with a non-military fiance that I was living with.
If you don't have the ability to creatively think about ways that you can get around the difficulties present to you - then you may want to spend some time researching the life that military wives lead to decide if this is for you. There are literally hundreds of blogs/websites/forums out there dedicated to military wives and educating those who are about to become military wives.
If all of this sounds harsh and something you don't want to deal with - that is okay. I was in your situation and I chose that I did NOT want that kind of life for myself and my family - he wanted to be career AF and I couldn't commit to that. It was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life when we finally realized it wasn't going to work. But I got over it, and I now am looking forward to a life with my DH that we are going to build together and doesn't involve the military coming 1st in all things.