Married Life
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the ones that got away
in Married Life
Do any of you ever wonder about exes? Not saying you would do anything like leave your DH for them, but do you ever think about what your life would have been like if you had stayed with so-and-so, or given whathisname a chance? lol. I'm feeling nostalgic today after a particularly mind-f**ky dream. 
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Re: the ones that got away
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm no. Those relationships ended because of a very good reason. I have become a very different person since being with any of my exes. (So glad I grew up!) And I know they have become a different person than who I loved.
My best friend always dwells on the "what if's" with one particular guy. I keep telling her it isn't healthy to keep rehashing it. She is extremely happy with the man she is involved with. It isn't fair to him or her to keep doing that.
Don't dwell. Be happy with where you are in life.
99% of the time I don't wonder, but every so often there will be something ( a dream in this instance) that opens up that little closet in my brain where old memories are stored, and for the day i'm pondering alternate universes and paths that my life could have taken. Luckily I always remember that I'm MUCH better off now than I would have been.
I do agree with you, it isn't fair to the person who we are with, and I would hate it if my DH ever wondered about his ex. And yet....it's just one of those things that crosses my mind from time to time. So does the "what if" of becoming an anthropologist, or a SCUBA instructor though. lol.
I suppose but more in a " Whew, I am so glad I dodged that bullet" kind of way. I don't really delve too much into thinking that way because I know I wouldn't have been happy.
Me too. I have some interesting exs and I just can't believe I ever dated them.
My ex before DH was in the Air Force ad most of our relationship was long distance and while I was in high school. At the end if it I realized I wasn't attracted to him in that way anymore. We were more like really good friends than anything. We broke up and found someone new within 6 months, he married her and I married my DH. So I guess I'm thankful that we helped each other find who we were supposed to be with. He was a great guy, just not the right guy. I check his Facebook once in a while to see how's he's doing and he seems happy, and I'm sure he does the same.
My ex before him was a different story. We dated for about a month my freshman year of high school (his junior year). I broke up with him because he was weird and there was zero chemistry. Three years later, a few months after I started dating DH, he called me on Thanksgiving and kept telling me how much he missed me and that he was convinced we were meant to be...then after finally getting the hint about a year after that, he decided he was in love with my sister, who told him to f*** off. Yeah he's crazy and I definitely dodged that bullet. Lol
I think it's normal to think/wonder occasionally. And especially after a "mindf***y" dream, that happens to me a lot as well.
I've dated a lot of guys and I have a soft spot for each one. I'm glad that all of those relationships/flings ended and I'm with my H now. But I do wonder how they're doing sometimes, hope they're happy, and "what if...". Naturally, the "what if..." questions usually lead to a "thank goodness it ended..." or "ugh, I'd be miserable..." answer. It's reflecting on my past and my choices, which I do with plenty of other things (career choice like OP mentioned, apartment choice, college choice, etc.). If anything, it helps me to appreciate what I have and where I am now even more than I already do
I don't normally. But an ex passed away recently. When we dated, we had a pregnancy scare. When I found out about his death, all I kept thinking about was how, if life had been just a little different, I'd be having to tell my 12 year old his/her father was dead.
Most of my exes I still talk to and know their wives/kids etc. I have no regrets.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Pretty much sums it up for me too.
Once in a blue moon something will remind me of my ex but then I remember how horrible that relationship was. And go PHEW thank god DH found me!!
Funny thing is, my exes sister just tried to friend me on facebook... 5 years later!! WTF?
TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
~Started acupuncture in May 2014~
~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
Kind of. I mean, I think about the road not taken and all, but I doubt I would have enjoyed it very much.
The closest to that I ever came was this guy I met on vacation when I was 17. We really clicked, and I'd never clicked like that with anyone before, and the only person since was Mr. Kuus (I actually connected more with Mr. Kuus than with this guy, but still). We kept some sort of long-distance thing going for a while, with letters and such (hey, it was before the age of e-mail, okay?), but then I just never got a letter in return from him once, and I figured that was that, and it was doomed anyway due to the distance. I was sad, but resigned.
As a relevant aside, I'm a horrible slob, and I was kind of flaky as a teen. Anyway, years later, after I'd already moved in with Mr. Kuus, my parents were moving and asked me to come clean out my old room thoroughly. And damned if I didn't find my last letter to vacation guy under a dresser, sealed and stamped but never mailed. I guess I'd put it there, intending to mail it, and it fell off and I assumed that I had already mailed it and forgot about it. I was the one who stopped writing to him, and I never even knew it.
Of course I wondered what if, kinda. Not that I'd have rather taken that road, but I wondered how different my life might have been if I'd mailed that letter, or even just cleaned my goddamned room once a year or so. And one time one of these sorts of polls brought that to mind, and I did a Facebook search for vacation guy, not to reconnect with him, but just out of curiosity. And oh man, was I surprised. Not only did dude manage to catch a terminal case of doucheface in the intervening years (I remember what he looked like then, and I swear, he looked like a perfectly nice boy), but he had what I can only describe as the most embarrassing info section I've ever seen on any Facebook page ever. I was seriously, literally squirming with vicarious humiliation even reading it and knowing that this is out there, in the public, for people to see. I tell you all that here because you don't know me in person. The people who do would insist on seeing this page for themselves, and man oh man, I am taking it to the grave that I was ever connected to this guy in any way.
So the moral of the story is that even if it sounds good, turns out that the road not taken would have led to a lifetime of shame and mockery from your friends. Yay for the road chosen!
Kuus, I LOVE your story!!!
Yes, to be honest, the one who did a cameo in my dream was not a so-called "ex", but rather someone that COULD HAVE been a very good match for me, but it never even had a chance to start.
It was someone I met in school, and it was an instant connection. I feel like he was a twin of some sorts, like a male version of myself. We had a very strong friendship, and there were feelings there for sure. But I had just started to date DH, it was a very new relationship. DH was so PERFECT and charming, and I fell in love with him...and we have always been super happy together. I have absolutely no regrets. But that "what if" creeps in every once in a blue moon.
I've long since lost touch with the classmate, since it hurt him that I became more and more serious with DH. He moved to a different city and we no longer talk but I definitely wish him well. I really hope he found a girl that he loves as much as I love DH.
The girl who was dating my ex after we split up actually sent an email to me once on my artist page on myspace (when it was actually relevant) while I was living in Spain. This was about 5 years after we had split up, and initially when I saw the message in my inbox, I just assumed it was from either a promoter or someone I had met at a gig, but surprise surprise, she informed me that she was dating my ex. It was pretty strange - but she wanted to know the real circumstances of why we had broken up, wanted to know how I knew he was cheating on me (which was one of the many reasons why we split up) because she suspected he was doing it to her and she wanted to know how I caught him. Then went on to tell me about all the horrible and untrue stuff he told her that happened in our relationship. And then vented to me about how horrible he was treating her and she felt like he was being that way to her out of anger about our breakup. She seemed like a nice girl...I wrote back and set her straight about the information she told me and then advised her that if he was really treating her badly, she should just end it already. I would have given her the same advice even if it hadn't been someone that was an ex - no one should be treated badly by any man....funny though - it made me really think about how lucky I am that I did not marry him.
I'm not sure I understand all the posts from people that adamantly say that every time they picture what their life would have been like had they married any of their exes, they are utterly horrified.
I had a pretty active dating life before I got married, and while there are a couple that I think back to in horror and wonder what in the sam hill was I thinking, I think that if literally every single person you ever dated makes you feel sick to your stomach thinking if you ended up with them that may speak more about your choices than them. Are you really saying that everyone you dated before your H was not just not the right fit but an ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE HORRIBLE CHOICE. How did you'd up with them in the first place?
Out of everyone that I ended up with do I think H was the best choice? HECK YES. Do I think ending up with certain exes would have made my life utterly miserable? YES. Do I think that about every single ex? NO. I dated these people because they were good people. Do occasionally get wistful and play out "what if" scenarios in my head? Definitely Am I a sad, lonely depressed shell of a woman in these scenarios? No. But I do think abut the things that were missing from those relationships that I have with H and what would be missing from my life that isn't there now. At the end of the day I always come to the same conclusion. I'm happier with H than I ever could have been with them.
Those dreams can really mess with you as I usually have those wistful moments after one too! But no, OP, you're most definitely not the only one. You're just one of the few willing to admit it!
Smileye, I think that in most cases, it's less a van down by the river sort of misery that people envision when they think about life with an ex, but more the slow, agonizing death of being with someone who's not terrible but doesn't quite resonate with you, and knowing that you'll never feel whatever it is that inspires people to write great love stories like Up.
But hey, I could be wrong. Maybe a lot of people do date a string of complete losers, and then only ever date one half-decent guy and then marry him. That sounds like a waste of time and life, but what do I know?