Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Question about kids vs. career...
I should preface this with I've only been married three weeks, I'm far from baby crazy, but I realize it's something we should plan for whether it's 1 year down the road or more. Leads me to my dilemma...
Now, I have a job, it pays ok. Frankly I hate it. But whatever, I suck it up and go, it pays the bills, etc. At this point in my life (26 years old), I can honestly say I still have no idea what the hell I want to do. I don't see myself as a career woman, I'm not passionate about anything, I see work as just that - WORK. It provides me with an income and a lifestyle that I feel is comfortable. For what it's worth, I have a BA in Business Mgmt, I did really well in school, etc. And I do well at work too, have a strong work ethic, recently got a promotion, have higher ups constantly singing my praises. But I still don't like the job itself and still have no f*cking idea what I should do with my life!
Now, I feel like I should have the sense to know what I like and what I'd be good at BEFORE starting a family. But at this point, even if I decided I wanted to go back to school, I don't even know where the hell I would begin. I can exactly afford to d**k around for a few years to "try out" different courses of study. I guess what I'm asking is (for those of you who maybe had a track in life like me AND who have children)... do you have any regrets about having children before determing your career path? Would it be wise to consider going back to school before children? Maybe I'm kidding myself in hoping that being a mother will be my true calling... or maybe I'm totally neurotic for even thinking about this - for whatever weird reason this has been weighing on my mind for a while now.
Anyway, your advice/thoughts are appreciated.
Re: Question about kids vs. career...
After I re-read what I wrote, I wanted to add that I want children eventually for the right reasons. I'm not looking to have kids simply for the sake of filling this void, or only for giving me a sense of purpose (I feel like it could have been interpreted that way). But I feel like between my Mom, my sister, my ILs, friends, etc... all the women/Mom's are in a solid career before having children.
You sound very much like me a few years ago. I always was a high achiever. Great grades, very motivated, BA from a well ranked university, MA from the top program in the country for my field etc. But then I ended up not wanting to do what I went to school for and I just took whatever jobs gave me benefits and paid my bills.
I was 28 and still had no idea what I wanted to do for the long haul. But I didn't want to wait on kids anymore. I actually got hired at a new job, totally unrelated to anything I've ever done, a month before I had my son. It's not something I am completely passionate about, but it pays well, has great benefits and is so much less stressful than what I used to do. Plus the schedule allows me to coordinate with my husband so my son is always with one of us instead of in daycare. Now that I'm a mom, I'm even less motivated to find a "career". I just want to put in my hours, get paid and go home and be with my son.
For me, I have no regrets. I like what I do and I love the benefits it has for my family. When I'm done having kids and they're out of the house, maybe I'll go back to school and try something new. In the meantime, I just want to provide for my family and having a job that doesn't stress me out is important to me. I don't want to bring my work home with me. I want to be fully present with my kid.
I'm sure others will disagree but winging it ended up working out great for us so far.
I still have 2.5 years of school yet, but am currently just working. I don't love the jobs I can get at this point (with a diploma), but I want to pay back student loans and we want to be in a better finantial spot before I go back to school.
This is relelvent becaues we don't want to wait forever to have/adopt kids. We have planned to put my schooling on hold until we have kids, at which point I can do school part time and be home with the kids the rest of the time (since I wont be making an income because of school anyways and H is supposed to be getting his apprenticeship and raises before then so 1 income will be doable), yes it will take me a bit longer to finish...but I feel like if I wait until I am finished and set in my career I'll be mid 30's and I want kids before then.
I think its more important to have kids when you are financially sound, then to put if off because your career isnt exactally where you want it, especially if you don't know what you want to do.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
This is where I'm at. I started out going to a 4-year right out of high school and decided after a year that it wasn't the school for me. So I went to the community college back home and just got my AA. I have enough units to finish and get my BA in about 1-2 years, depending on if I do semester or quarter system, but at this point I have $10,000 in loans, and DH has $20,000 and is still going strong in school to be an engineer. His career is far more important than mine, because he will be the main provider when we have kids. So I'd like to pay my loans off first, then have kids, and after DH is done with school, I'll go back. I don't want to wait more than 1-2 years for kids, so this plan seems to fit perfectly.
I agree with PP, I think it's more important to have kids when you are financially stable, if you want kids, than it is to waste time and money going to school when you either don't know what you want, or won't even do anything with it until after kids anyway.
I have to say I am in the same place as you. I actually feel that I am "behind" in my career. I have my BA and my Master's and I work for a small company. I feel that I am not "challenged" day to day and that I could be making a lot more money working in a larger corporation and putting my education to use. The thing is- those jobs are few and hard to come by, especially in our current economic state. So I feel a bit "stuck". I make good money now and I am comfortable because I have a flexible work environment. But I had to make a decision do I want to stay in this job because It is "easy" and a lot less stressful than other jobs I had. Also, my job is the kind of position that allows me flexibility when returning from having a baby down the line- ie: i can work from home, negoitate my hours, etc. (the current other employee that just had a baby just cut down her hours to 4 days a week and comes in at 10 am on Mondays for a little" extra time" getting the baby out the door).
So do I stay or go? KNowing this is the ideal job for a "working mom" to have the flexibility. Or do I go, and try to find a better job, making a lot more money in msoething that maybe I am a bit more passionate about- and maybe put that money aside so I don't have to work once I have the baby for a bit.
My plan is to only have one hcild and I am almost 30 and I have to say I have been struggling with this for about 3 years now (though, I am recently married,its been on my mind). I don't want to wait forever to have a baby. But the reality is: Even if I want to move on and upward in my career- there simply aren't any jobs out there. Especially jobs on the higher end of hte spectrum (As i assume you are, since you said you have your advanced degrees etc)... No one is leaving their current jobs to make room for those that want to come in. sO unless you want another low level or entry level job---its kind of tough.
I would take that into consideration (the job market). I'd also take into consideration if you wait to find out what yu want to do/pursue it/get another job. you aren't going to want to have a baby right away- you will want to establish yourself in your position so that you have some wiggle room and flexibility once the baby comes----that process, school, job hunting, and then establishing yourself- you could be looking at another 6-7 years away... just a thought..
Thanks for the insight girls, it's good to know I'm not alone! Two things have been making this more troublesome for me - 1. I know my current company is very flexible with Moms which I appreciate. I'm also vested enough to qualify for paid maternity leave when the time comes. So it's hard to walk away despite how much I dislike my job. And 2. I don't want the financial burden to my solely on my husband. He's put enough pressure on himself to find another job that he actually enjoys (or at least tolerates!) and that pays better. I don't want him thinking "If we want a baby in 2 years, I need to make more money." I feel like we share this responsibility, this obligation, to make sure we are financially capable as a unit before kid's are brought into the mix.
For now, we are ok financially. But we couldn't currently afford a child, for me to cut down to part time or put a baby in day care. Granted we have some time to figure this out, so I don't want to stress over it too much just yet. But I also want to plan ahead and work towards a goal of being financially sound for baby in 1-3 years. (Fortunately I'm young enough that if that needs to be pushed up another year or so, no big deal).
So I guess that's also part of the dilemma... I can stay where I am (despite thoroughly disliking it!) for the "other" benefits. But, that means my husband will need to make more money so we are financially able to raise children, and provide for them. I hate for that to be a burden he bears alone.