Feeling secondary amongst the in-laws

crhanna

My mother-in-law is sweet. She sends us emails, cards, and weekly invitations to her house. The thing is, my name is always written second and generally there is less excitement about the things going on in my life. She lives close while my parents liver further away so these weekly meetings/emails are starting to make me feel bad. Is it ridiculous that I feel some need to share in the primacy that my husband partakes in. I think it makes a difference when you see the in-laws more than just at the holidays. I mean, being an extension of my husband just doesnt feel like enough or make me want to hang out with the in-laws. Am I too sensitive? Please help.  (Also, my best friend died this past year so I do realize I may be too sensitive as I was quite important to her and she is not here to listen and share life with any longer.)

ldmessing

I wish my name being written second was all my mil did.  I would gladly trade that for the constant undermining of me and my husband to the children.

 

Pick your battles honey, you are being unreasonable

Ilumine

crhanna:

My mother-in-law is sweet. She sends us emails, cards, and weekly invitations to her house. The thing is, my name is always written second and generally there is less excitement about the things going on in my life. She lives close while my parents liver further away so these weekly meetings/emails are starting to make me feel bad. Is it ridiculous that I feel some need to share in the primacy that my husband partakes in. I think it makes a difference when you see the in-laws more than just at the holidays. I mean, being an extension of my husband just doesnt feel like enough or make me want to hang out with the in-laws. Am I too sensitive? Please help.  (Also, my best friend died this past year so I do realize I may be too sensitive as I was quite important to her and she is not here to listen and share life with any longer.)

Yes, you are being too sensitive. 

You are asking your MIL to shoot past thegestation, birthing and  20+ years of raising her son - all forming the bond between parent and child - inorder to erase the habit of automatically writing her son's name first on a freaking card.

Honestly, it kills me the unreaslistic and contrary views people have about inlaws.  They (inlaws) are expected to provide the same monetary gifts/time/support/understand/etc to their inlaws children but not expected to parent said children OR have any hurt feelings when there is a difference in familial traditions...but god forbid the SIL/DIL feels put out.

Its no wonder MILs go crazy. 

You want her to put your name first, thus recognize you as one of her very own  children (even though you are a grown ass adult), then you best accept her to parent you too.

EastCoastBride

You're upset because she writes your name 2nd?  Really?  If this is your biggest problem, well.... you're pretty lucky.  On this - you are being WAY over sensitive and picky.  Your MIL will never, EVER be able to do anything "right" in your eyes if this is what you get upset over.

As for being excited about your life... I need to know more about that.  I don't know exactly where you're coming from with that, quite honestly. 

Jim&Jaime

You're upset because emails start with: "Hey Joe & crhanna"? Really? REALLY? As pps have said, you're really setting yourself up for misery and wanting to make MIL a monster-in-law. 

alithebride

"The thing is, my name is always written second and generally there is less excitement about the things going on in my life." what?! really?! this is what's upsetting you? here's my advice-get over it.  we all  have close friends and family members and loved ones who die. that's no excuse to go totally off the rails and have something like your name 2nd bother you.   as for the less excitement about things going on in your life-give examples. specifics.

wittyschaffy

Another vote for too sensitive x 1000000000000.  My IL's refer to us as Witty and Schaffy.  My parents refer to us as Schaffy and Witty.  Basically, it identifies their child first, then their child's other.  Not a big deal whatsoever and isn't showing any sort of preference.  Get over it.  

Tofumonkey

crhanna:

  (Also, my best friend died this past year so I do realize I may be too sensitive as I was quite important to her and she is not here to listen and share life with any longer.)

Wait, what? You mean that she was quite important to YOU, right? If not, you need to look at how you view people and your relationships with them.

Your husband is their child. You are not. You never will be, and their first and foremost interest will be in him. That is how it should be.They aren't as interested in your life because they are more interested in his, as their child.

-auntie-

I'm sorry for the loss of your bestie; losing a same age peer is a difficult thing, like losing a part of your own self and history.

I think perhaps your butt hurt is more a function of being at loose ends emotionally than any unkindness directed at you by your MIL. Perhaps you should get out with friends more.

He's her son, of course she's more interested and excited by the goings on in his life than yours. Perhaps she's a traditionalist who always uses the Mr. & Mrs. format, or maybe your names just flow better with his first. This isn't a hill upon which to start a battle.

Jim&Jaime

-auntie-:

I think perhaps your butt hurt is more a function of being at loose ends emotionally than any unkindness directed at you by your MIL. Perhaps you should get out with friends more.

off topic, but "butt hurt" made me LOL. 

jnjmommy0609

Yes...you are being way too sensitive. I am sorry for your loss and I can see why you may be feeling sensitive but I think maybe you need to try and focus on things that truly matter. If you want to be more involved in your in laws life other then holidays then be the family you want them to be to you. If you want things to change then you have to actively do it.

toothpastechica

I wish my MIL was less interested in my life!! Take it as a blessing trust me. When you have inlaws who constantly need you to be thier bff, and thier other child (MIL adopted DH because she couldnt have kids...she always wanted more and felt like when we got married she was 'getting a daughter'....well I don't really need another mommy  who wants to kiss my boo boos better as a grown up) it can get equally as frusterating...especially when they question your choices ALL the time.

 

erollis

I have never paid attention at the order H and I's names go in when ILs write it. Heck I put H's name first most of the time since it sounds better to me. Now that I think about it my family even says his name + my name quite often when they talk. It's not that they love him more its just easier. 

I am sorry for your loss of your dear friend. And if your ILs are nice to you except for the name thing your doing pretty good.  

Kimbus22

I'm sorry about your friend.

And also, yes, you're being too sensitive.  Why wouldn't she put her son's name first and be more excited about the things he's up to?  He's her child.  I assume she's only known you a few years.  No matter how much she grows to love you, her child is always going to come first.  If you can't get yourself in check, you're in for a LONG life of inlaw issues because what you're upset about now isn't even a real problem.

Ilumine

There is one other point that I forgot to add.

Per Miss Manners, the husband/male's name always goes first when you are addressing a couple. 

TootsieK

You need to ask yourself how you would feel if your mom put your husband's name first (I hope she doesn't!) -- wouldn't you feel 100 times worse?  It's natural for a mother to put her child first.

Bigmama00

I'm not sure I understand this post? Are you mad because your MIL writes your husbands name on things first and then puts your name?