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Not exactly sure what to do?
Well my husband and I have been married just over a year but for the past 2 or 3 months things have just seemed weird. I started college full-time again in August and work part time for a group home company and he works for a local mine.
Because of the fact that I've been so busy with work and school, I'm hardly home to do much else besides homework and sleep. Since this has been going on, DH has been pushing me more than ever to do house work and clean and make sure I'm getting to the gym and everything. He's just SO pushy and I feel like I can't handle it anymore; everything that comes out of his mouth lately has been nagging of some sort when I really don't have the time at all. I'm gone for about 13 hours a day and he's only gone 8. I wanna be able to do all these things but if I wanna get a good GPA, I can't. I'm even to the point now of considering quitting my job cause I can't handle it. I actually feel a HUGE relief whenever DH leaves for somewhere and I'm left at the house by myself cause he's not here bothering me about something and getting me more stressed out.
I'm sorry about the huge paragraph but I needed to get it out. Any ideas on what I could do without sounding like I'm trying to start a huge conflict?
Re: Not exactly sure what to do?
If I were you, I would just be honest with him: Tell him you are stressed and don't think you can handle doing more housework/going to the gym/etc. I doubt he is trying to belittle you- maybe he is just trying to be encouraging and it's coming off as judgemental.
If you feel you are still too stressed, I would think about quitting the PT job, or at least asking for less hours. Your GPA (and your marriage!!) will suffer if you continue to stress yourself out like this.
GL
that sounds like hell. Seriously.
Step #1 - stop TTC (this is obvious for a number of reasons)
Step #2 - explain to DH your priorities. Tell him you are focused on school right now. You are also working. Tell him you have had to put some things on the back burner in order to focus on your other goals.
Step #3 - Ask him for help. tell him you need him to do what he can to help keep the household running so you can focus on your goals. Can he clean, grocery shop, laundry, make dinner? Marriage is about being there for one another. Teamwork. tell him if he takes on more of the load it will give you more time to spend on other things.
Step #4 - if he doesn't step up and help Instead or nagging and complaining, lay down the law. Tell him he will not treat you this way. You are an adult and you get to decide what you will and will not do. If he doesn't like the level of cleanliness around the house, he can clean it. if he doesn't like it, tough. He doesn't get to order you around. He sounds controlling.
Also - I get a vibe that there could be someone else in his life? I would look into it. Just a bunch.
Good luck to you.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
I think the PP pretty much covered it. If he's just trying to be encouraging, tell him you appreciate it, but you've got enough on your plate. If he's being nag, tell him to shove it, you've got enough on your plate right now. His motivations should dictate your response. Best of luck!
Just for the record, how many more semesters do you have in front of you?
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
You say that you feel better now that you got it all out there. Are you saying you have never brought this up with your husband?
And I don't mean in a rushed manner where you just say how much of a nag he is. I mean in a sit down discussion way.
He might think he is being motivating towards you. Sometimes it takes someone else to be honest with you to make it known your being a nag.
One way to make sure it doesn't start a fight...don't actually call him a nag. Say something how you are feeling very stressed and tired and it's great he is looking after you but you feel more stressed.
Then offer for the idea that you guys come up with a cleaning routine together
he's got 2 free arms, 10 fingers, 2 hands, a back that bends and ditto for a pair of legs!
How about pitching in, H???
Even if he does the laundry and dusts! And washes the dishes and gives the kitchen a once over with the broom and some cleaning aids....every little bit helps.
He needs to pitch in. Bottom line.
Really though, this all does help! I think since tomorrow I've just got 1 morning class and both of us don't work till later in the day I'll go ahead and have a sit-down talk with him.
For the record, I'm in the middle of my 1st semester going towards my AA in Business Management so I've got 3 1/2 more semesters to go before graduation. :]
The fact is not that he is a uncurable, chronic slob.
The fact is that he can't meet you at least halfway on this.
You have to talk to him repeatedly like he' some kid --- here's what I can suggest; maybe this is a happy medium before you throw in the towel:
Sit down with him and ask him what he would like to do around the house --- even if it is something simple like put the clothes in the hamper, wash the dishes, keep the living room fairly tidy, hang up his clothes, do the wash --- anybody at all can do that even if they are pressed for time or if they are an uncurable slob.
The simplest of things that he can do around the house -- I don't see why there should be a problem with this at all.
If he can't do even that much or slacks off?
Then you will have to decide where to go from here.
I won't suggest a maid -- that'll keep your place clean but it won't cure what his problem is: upholding a promise that he made to you.
Wishing you luck on this. I am guessing you live in a modest and not gargantual apartment; what's there to keep clean? you guys don't live in a huge mansion or own a house where there is lawn work, yard work, exterior work, etc. Yep, what's there to keep clean? there aren't endless chores, just the usual ones.
ETA: Here's another suggestion -- would it help him if he gets a buddy to come help him with housework?
Maybe if he has a guy friend pitch in with him, he'll be more proactive about keeping clean what he needs to keep clean? Or his brother or somebody who can help him?
I agree with everything cinderin said.
Also, if my husband told me I needed to do more housework and go to the gym, I would bypass everything cinderin said and smack him with a frying pan.
1. Stop TTC. Having a child is not going to make it any easier. My advice would be to finish school and find a full time job before you TTC.
2. You are gone 13hours/day. He is gone 8. Assuming he supports you in getting your degree, he needs to suck it up and make more effort at home. There is NO reason he can't come home, get dinner ready and do a little cleaning up so that once you come home you can relax. Marriage is about supporting one another.
3. It sounds like he is expecting you to fall into the "woman's role" stereotype of doing all the cooking and cleaning, etc. I hope this is not the case. If it is then you need to definitely have a serious chat. Unless of course you want to quit school and stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen (which doesn't seem the case).
Yeah, I'm in this camp. I'm trying to think of a situation in which he's not a douchebag, but my imagination is failing me.
This, and don't think of having kids with him. You think
your life is difficult now?
You and your husband just had a miscarriage two months ago.
I don't think it's unusual for grieving people to want to snuggle down at home, clean the house, nest together and hold each other. I don't hink it's unusual for a husband to watch his wife go through physical changes with pregnancy and then miscarriage, and then be concerned that she isn't taking care of herself and going to the gym and strengthening her body back to normal again.
And I suppose it's not unusual for grieving people to shove all of this miscarriage stuff down inside, and burst into college and a job and be gone 13 hours a day, filling life up with what's going on right now and not what went on two months ago.
The problem is that your husband is in the first category of wanting to be with his spouse and care for the house you have and your physical fitness and spend time with each other....
while you are in the second category of running around to school and a job and being gone for 13 hours a day.
Sounds to me like you two need some counseling to meet in the middle before you tear your marriage apart as you pursue opposite goals.
Two things:
One, is your husband a traditional man who thinks you shouldn't have a job and be a stay at home mom? Because if he is he may be pushing you into fufilling his roll as the "perfect house wife". Hes already got you considering quitting your job so you will have more time to cook and clean. I've had this happen before and its very tiring and not fun.
Second, with all the stuff you have going on between the two of you, you may need to find more time to spend together. Trust me I know its hard, Im married, I have kids, I go to school, I work. But you should never forget that your married and your husband needs attention just as much as you. They will tell you the same in marriage counseling. Even if you just make time to watch a movie or go on a walk after dinner...