Family Matters
R.Wilsonny
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Worried about my brother
I'm not even sure where to begin or whether its just my mom making a bigger deal out of things than they really are, but she has me worried about my brother. He's 17 years younger than me and maybe it's just a phase that he's going through, but he just seems not motivated to do anything. He's in his 3rd year of college and when he's not at school, he just sits at home, holed up in his room. I don't know what is going on - when I ask him if things are ok, he just says yea, they're fine....so I don't want to pry really because he probably hears enough nagging from my parents, but I just want to make sure he's ok. He's a good kid - he does well in school and always has....maybe it's just the age he is? He's turning 21 this year, and I just don't feel that it's healthy for him to sit in his room all the time doing nothing. My mom has been pushing him to get a part time job so he can make some money for himself, and he hasn't been motivated to do that either. When I think about how it was when I was that age, I know that I could not wait to work and have my own money....I also moved out of my parent's house at that point and was taking care of myself. My brother just seems like the exact opposite and it seems so strange to me. Anyway, part of me is writing this to get it off my chest but any ideas on what could possibly be wrong or if it's just a phase because of his age or if I should just shut up and mmyob would be appreciated. It's hard not to worry though when our mother emails me saying that she is worried about him and blah blah...you know how that goes....anyway thanks for listening...
Re: Worried about my brother
With school, is he commuting or going part time? How often is he home for your Mom to notice his behavior?
Either way, I'd venture to say it's either sheer laziness, or perhaps depression? Is there any family history of depression or anxiety?
Early 20s is a tough time in anyone's life. He's just a few short years away from being in the "real world"... he may be having a hard time determining what he wants to do, where his life is going, etc. I think that alone can lead to either (or both) laziness and depression. Having graduation on the horizon is scary, and it might drive people simply to withdrawal.
If you have a close relationship (i.e. you are someone he can talk to, he can easily express his emotions with you) then I would definitely try to have a conversation with him. Don't be a nag, don't make accusations... just make it a conversation - "Hey buddy! You seem bummed out recently. I notice you don't go out so much. Want to talk? Is anything bothering you?" I would try to do it in some neutral territory - offer to take him out to lunch, to a ballgame, etc.
Good luck!
Yea, he's registered as a full time student, but my mom said that he takes the bare minimum classes. His first year, he lived on campus, but now he commutes from home to save money. It's just weird because whenever you ask him if things are ok, he says everything is fine. If you suggest things to him, he seems to listen, but then doesn't do anything. I don't know if it's just him being lazy or what.
I?m beginning to wonder too if he is just depressed. There is some family history of depression, but with other family members, it has presented itself later in life, if that makes any sense. My mother said that when Friday rolls around, he just holes himself up in his room and doesn't leave. I know it's a hard age, but at the same time, being in your 20's should be some of the best times of your life. I went through stuff too at that age, but I also was working, then moved out on my own - and I lived for the weekends. The only time I would ever stay in on a weekend was if I was sick...otherwise, Thursday through Sunday, I was always out.
I live in NY and my family lives in Philly, so I don't see my brother so often now, but my H & I were thinking to invite him up here to visit one weekend. He's been up here before to visit and when he's with us, he tends to open up more since it's just us and no one else here to nag him. I keep hoping that whatever it is, he'll just snap out of it.....we'll see though....thanks for the advice
while i think it's great that you're concerned about him i think it's wrong to compare him to you. you're not the same people.
how do you know he's just sitting around at home on weekends? is he studying?
realize too that everything might be fine really. there are early 20s that like to go out and early 20s that like to stay in.
Even if that's the case, don't use that approach. It's the last thing a despondent 20-something wants to hear from his big sister, especially not after hearing it from his Mom too. I think it's a great idea to have him come visit you. To avoid the typical answers ("Ok"; "Fine"; Yeah, whatever"; "I guess"), ask open-ended questions. "Tell me about your courses this semester." "Talk to me about your plans after graduation." "Are there any good internships you can get involved in?" Listen to his answers and piggy back off of that. Really try to make it a conversation, that he can actively participate in, rather than imply he's lazy, depressed, you're so worried, etc.
I personally think it's great you want to get a little more involved and help him about. You're a good big sister!
I?m sorry if I made it seem like I was comparing my life to his like mine is/was so much better or different....believe me, it's not my intention to do that. It's more along the lines of just trying to remember what I went through at that age to try to have some understanding of what he might be going through. Believe me, I know we are 2 completely different people, especially with the age difference too - things are much difference for 20 somethings now than they were when I was that age. I?m 38 now - so big age difference.....but because I?m midway between his age and our parents, I sort of 'bridge the gap' so to speak. It's strange for me because I don't know too many people with this big an age difference with their siblings that can relate to this. He's my only brother too, which is why I maybe seem overly concerned. I try very hard not to nag him and just let him know that if there's something he wants to talk about without going to our parents, he can confide in me since I?m his big sister and that's my job. It's just hard because he's a good kid (even though he's not a little boy anymore) and I just want him to be happy and I feel bad when my mother tells me that he doesn't seem happy and stays in his room all of the time. My mom sometimes makes things bigger than they really are too, but it's just because she's being a mom and worries. We'll see how it goes when we see him...I definitely will have him come visit - hopefully before the holidays when we are in Philly visiting.
Thanks again for the advice....much appreciated.....