Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Wasn't going to post, but don't know where to go
Hello ladies, I'm looking for some advice on what to do. Long story short, my FIL cheated on MIL several times during their 40+ years of marriage, with the most recent indiscretion occurring 4 months ago. MIL called my DH in tears saying that she needed to move in with us. Well she told us this before she even talked to FIL, in addition, she shared some very detailed information about the affair that is more appropriate to share with a friend or therapist...not her son. DH is trying hard to maintain a relationship with his father during this difficult time, but is slowly resenting him. The pattern seems to be that they are fine for a few weeks, then they get into a fight, then she calls us to say she is moving in and leaving FIL without even discussing things with FIL first, then ignores us while we try to find out if we need to make arrangements for her to come live with us, and finally they seem to be fine again. This is killing my husband who wants nothing more than for his parents to stay together. It's hard because MIL unloads her emotions on DH instead of talking to FIL. It's to the point where he doesn't want to pick up any calls from his parents. I hate seeing DH under this stress and I hate that the family is torn apart like this (none of his other brothers know what is going on). We've suggested that his parents see a marriage counselor, but I'm not sure they like that idea. How do I support my husband? How can I help him normalize a relationship with his parents? How do I get my MIL to talk things out with her husband?
Re: Wasn't going to post, but don't know where to go
I don't know whether she is a little strange or whether she spilled the beans to your H in a moment of anger and confusion. She really should not tell him anything that consists of material that is a sensitive matter.
What he needs to do - and do when his mother has a calm moment to listen:
Tell his mother kindly and firmly that he does not wish to be caught in the middle of the troubles that are between she and his dad. She also does NOT need to live with the both of you.
His mother needs to keep what's happening between her husband and herself.
suggesting a marriage counselor to them would be futile. This is up to them and you know as well as I do that both parties have to be motivated and willing to go, with no hesitation and no backpeddling.
I'm still thinking she blurted it out either in a moment of anger or sadness.
Don't have her move in with your and H -- she's able bodied, she's full grown, she's got a job. She needs her own place.
Since this seems to be a pattern of behavior for MIL your H needs to tell her to stop discussing these issues with him. Your MIL sounds like she has no sense of what appriote boundaries are.
You need to communicate with your H your feeling on his mother moving in. He then needs to communicate to her what you both want on that issue. IMO no way would having her move in be good for your marriage. Her calling your H and telling him she is coming & moving in is a cause for concern. Did your H or you ever offer or tell her you would have a place for her?
This.
H's parents divorced under similar circumstances when he was in high school. After the divorce, his mom would confide in him and talk to him as a friend rather than her son and he has had resentment and a horrible relationship with his father ever since.
I also second that her moving in with y'all does not seem like the best way to go. Good luck.
I went through this with my parents a few years ago. Except both of them insisted on telling me entirely too many things I should never know. I finally told them both that they needed to keep me out of it. It took a long time (years) before I felt okay around both of them again.
Sorry your DH is going through this.
I think that as soon as your DH gets THIS notion out of his head, he can move on to dealing with the rest of the issues at hand.
Yep, this.
first: your DH NEEDS to learn how to tell his mom NO when she starts telling him things. that will help a lot.
second: unless you want her to move in, seems like she's crying wolf a lot, then your DH needs again to learn how to say no.
third: your DH needs to encourage your MIL to go to counseling, not hope they'll stay together.
you cannot help him to learn how to 'normalize' unless he's willing to not let her unload onto him about FIL. you do not figure out how to get your mil to work things out with FIL. you're the DIL. you're not a therapist. and frankly-it's not your business even though she tells your DH things. imo-stay out of it! if you've suggested therapy it's up t THEM to take that step. you've done what you can.
i would also suggest making it clear to MIL that you will not allow her to move in. that's just asking for trouble.
I agree with Kuus. Doesn't your husband want his mother to be in a situation where she is loved, respected, admired and cherished and, I don't know, not being exposed to God know what kind of diseases, let alone being miserable and heart broken.
His dad is a serial cheater and has been for a long time. He isn't suddenly going to wise up and stop. This is a major character flaw and those just don't go away, even with counseling.
Exactly.