Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Adjusting to each other
We got married a couple months and my DH moved into my house. I have been living on my own for awhile and this is the first time he has been on his own. It is taking some getting used to for the both of us.
We have communicated about the bills and household cores and have tried to come to an understanding of them, but I feel like I'm the only one who is really "doing anything". We have a savings and checking account together, but he has still to update his information to get money put into the accounts. He doesn't want me to treat him like a kid, but if I don't ask him to take the garbage out, or help with the laundry, or cleaning, it doesn't get done. - This is all the stuff we have communicated and talked about before getting married.
He asked if we could put together a list of all the household bills for the month, I did and showed it to him. It was like getting a deer in the headlight look from him after and then he started picking it apart. (There was nothing on there except for the basic monthly bills, that we spoke about).
The household cleaning we even talked about that, but still he doesn't take the trash out when its full, sweeping, dishes, etc.
I don't want to argue over money or chores, but these are usual normal everyday household stuff that needs taken care of. He argues with me about when he comes home from work that he just wants to relax, okay I understand I want to do the same thing, BUT not ALL evening long and then go to bed. And I understand he's tired after work, so am I, but I still make dinner, do laundry, clean, etc.
I also don't want to do everything, because I just can't keep up with it all myself. I'm at a loss for words when it comes to trying to make him understand about helping out.
I also know that he moved in with me, but we agreed that we would stay in this place for a couple years to save some money to buy another house somewhere more to his liking, but all he does is tell me about this or that place for sale in the area he wants to live in.
Re: Adjusting to each other
Hi Leamide!
Don't stress out too much over this. This too shall pass. I realize you are needing help right away and it's difficult because you walk the fine line of being his wife and this 'mother figure' that he boxes you into because he doesn't help and you constantly have to ask him. Trust me I have been there, still there. My hubby and I have been married almost a year now and before he lived alone, as did I, however we were raised very differently. My mom taught me to clean, but not cook. His parents have a maid every two weeks but he knows how to cook, probably out of necessity. Anyways, we too have a maid now at a great price every two weeks so I do not make him clean a thing. Regular chores such as the laundry, dishes, trash, wiping the counters after dinner, making the bed, sweeping in between cleanings and picking up the house are our battles.
We fought about this for a long time before I said "I'm Done". I am a huge germaphobe and a clean freak 100% so what I am about to say will shock most. I just leave his crap, food, laundry whatever just where it is until he gets ready to lift a finger. One time I left his food he had cooked on the stove so long it molded and ruined a perfectly good cooking pot, but he learned his lesson. He doesnt do it anymore. before we moved in together we had to buy brand new washer and dryer and I told him specifically not to touch it because when he does laundry it ends up smelling like mildew. He listened and I do it. Dishes just get thrown in the dish washer and trust me not the right way so I end up having to fix it but the point to this is that at least he did it. It may not be his best effort or the way I wanted it done but he did it. Same thing with the trash. Instead of taking it out and putting it in the big trash can in garage he sets it on the floor in the garage. He did it but didn't bother to lift the extra finger to place in big trash can, as I would have done. You can believe that when money starts to come out of the account because I have to have someone pressure wash our garage floor because he left the trash on it he will sit up and take notice. :-)
Pick your battles. Time will take care of this and a little added pressure in a different way too. Good luck.