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Fighting about sex...like always.
I need help from you ladies!! I'm 27, SAHM of three boys ages 5, 3, and 1, and married to the love of my life for almost 7 years.
Sex has always been a hot button issue with us..I've never really had an enormous sex drive by any means, but at the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of fun. Fast forward to seven years and three kids later- things are (obviously) more challenging.
My husband is somewhat obsessed with sex, he honestly wants it all the time- every day, probably more than once a day if he had it his way. My problem is that I just am downright exhausted. I stay at home with my three little ones, all boys- and they're crazy people haha. Things are insane in this house on a daily basis. My husband works every night until almost 1 am, so I'm alone with no help 80% of the time. It's tiring. I love love love what I do every day, but as any mom knows, it's hard work! I feel like my husband doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what I deal with on a daily basis and that at the end of the day, or any time of the day for that matter, if I get a chance to sit down and not be touched or bothered for a few minutes, the last thing I want to do is think about having sex.
We have had THE conversation too many times to count and it always ends the same... I'm not doing enough to make him happy sexually, he wants me to WANT to do it, I'm not attracted to him, he just wants me to desire him...and on and on and on... I really do put in an effort though, even when I really just don't feel like it, I do it because I know that it makes him happy, and if he gets some then he isn't bugging me (well, for at least an hour anyway.. hah). The problem though is that I never seem to be doing enough. If we are doing it every day then he complains that I have my eyes closed, or that I want the lights off. I don't make enough noise... blah blah blah, so even if we are doing it every single day happily, there is always something more that I need to be doing and he doesn't give me credit for the effort that I do put in.
I want to be happy, I want him to be happy, but it just feels like nothing is ever quite enough. I believe that he lives in this fantasy world that is his past- he was in the army and has quite a promiscuous history- he tells me about all the past relationships he was in and how sexual they were and I think to myself, "how many children did you have then? Bills? How many houses did you own?". His life has changed dramatically so I don't think you can compare to the past when that is clearly so far behind us.
I just don't know how to move us past this- I can't win. He's always after me. He wants me to have more desire and more passion towards him but he doesn't do the same for me. He empties the dishwasher for me every night and he thinks that that is enough to make me want to jump his bones every day. Sorry, doesn't work like that, even though I do appreciate the dishwasher thing, haha... Ugh. I'm at a loss... HELP!
Re: Fighting about sex...like always.
I was was in the same place as your hubby 10 years ago...I was ready and raring to go all the time. Meanwhile, my wife began to resent me for wanting sex all the time. She was going through some self esteem issues because of weight gain after having two kids. So I finally said to her that she needed to make the first move because I was sick and tired of being turned down time after time.
With that said....little is more....if you can...try and give him a hand job some morning....or be the aggressor once in a while and just let him know that its not him as to why you are not auditioning to be the "Next Porn Star"
Is he being a bit unreasonable? Yes. I get it, it's not easy (well, just plain difficult) to jump right into having sex , especially if he comes home at 1am, and you both have to wake up early (I'm assuming). However, you can't get mad at him, if he complains about you not pleasing him sexually. I'm sure that you knew his sex drive before you both got married. You really shouldn't be denying him regularly if he asks for it. Just remember that what you won't do, another woman will. I don't condone cheating for any reason, but don't give him something to go outside of the marriage for. This is hard, but it's the sacrifices of being a wife and mother of three. Your husband's wants come first. I do think though it's unfair of him to compare you to his past sexual partners. That's a bit insensitive.
How about coming up with a plan. During the weekdays you give him oral, masturbate, etc. Little stuff that'll make him ejaculate. Then make Friday nights mandatory date night. It's a night that you'll HAVE to have sex. That way, it's reasonable for you, and it gives him something to look forward to every week and it's consistent.
This is good advice. You guys need a weekend away too.
Also, I would not want to have daily sex at 112 weeks pregnant either
I was reading a book recently that spoke to this issue exactly, and it basically said that you are both responding pretty normally. Men still want as much sex after kids, and women could usually go without :-) I think, as with most issues, it's important for you both to understand each other and meet in the middle. You're not wrong for feeling exhausted and wanting some personal space and time to yourself. Not to mention I'm sure there's not a lot of time for romance at 1 a.m. But he's also not wrong for wanting to be with you and wanting to feel like you're attracted to him. He's probably very hurt deep down by the constant rejection even though he may not express it that way. Even though you feel like you're making a sacrifice and doing it anyway, he can tell that you don't enjoy it and he takes that personally. You probably would too if he acted like sex with you was a chore.
I would talk about how you BOTH feel and really try to put yourselves in the other person's shoes. Then, maybe you can both find ways to get what you need and give a little more. Maybe you need more time for yourself to be more in the mood. Maybe you need a date night or manicure or more help around the house. Once you feel like your load is lifted a little, you might feel more sexual. He can do what he can to help you more and you can try to be more enthusiastic about meeting his needs. He will also have to accept that he can't be what it was before kids and it's not fair to compare you to past relationships. But I'm sure if you really want to compromise, there's a way that you can both get what you need and want.