Sex & Romance
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is being "open" in communication really a good idea?
Ok I feel like I am a very honest person, I believe lying is a waste of time. I also believe that the more communication the better the relation ship. However I am stuck. Now I am currently engaged with my man and have been with him for a little over 3 yrs. We have a 19 month old. Now this might be a little too much info. but I feel like I really need help and need to include everything. I am very sexually active, which would be great and all if it wasn't for the fact that I fight myself on the monogomous issue. Now many of you who are reading this are probably hating me right now because you have probably been cheated on before. But please be open minded with me cause I could really use healthy advice and not hate mail. Now I don't want to cheat on him because I truely do love him and want the best for our family. However as most of you can relate he sees this as a problem. Little side note here... I never wanted a family (I would never take back any thing to get me a family). I have always seen myself as independent and worry just bout me ( yes it sounds supper selfish well aware). When girl friends would be searching for the perfect man, I was studying and daydreaming about my successes in life as a single woman. Now God gave me a perfect little family with a perfect beautiful daughter and an amazing man, I have been trying to keep up in the role of perfect happy house wife but am sad because I have lost myself. So I had a mental break down and now am fighting my old self and my fake new self. What to do what to do??? Me and him have talked about all this but he thinks I should just leave my past behind and focus on the future. But I loved me in the past. And never saw myself with this future. Why does he get what he wants = a happy family, but I don't get what I have dreamed for my self?
Re: Is being "open" in communication really a good idea?
It's not a perfect happy family if your not happy. And you have been lying to him if you've been pretending to be something and wearing a mask on.
Now is there nothing you can do to channel your old self, as you like to put it? Can you not pursue a career in the field you want or continue to go to school? Is there a hobby that you can continue to do or turn into a small business? Maybe start a hobby or start doing something you've always wanted to do. Just because your life drastically changed does not mean you have to too. You just need to adjust to your new life and find a balance between you time, family time and couple time.
Or is this all about just being able to sleep around and nothing else?
I'm just going to leave it at that because I'm posting from my phone.
Companies have a 5- 10- and 15-year plan. Why shouldn't people?
Sounds to me like it is quite possible that you either 1-settled 2-did not take time to be a single and independent person (your own place, getting your first single girl apartment, nights out with the girls, kissing a ton of frogs, working on your job, etc) 3-this relationship's run the course or a combination of all 3.
You never wanted a family?
Were you honest and up front about this when your relationship with your current SO was getting serious? You should have been. If you weren't you were doing him and yourself a great disservice; you could have moved on if he was certain he wanted kids and you did not and vice versa.
I suggest that you take time out from the relationship you are in. Figure out what it is you want to do -- that's right; postpone the wedding -- and if it turns out that this gent's not what you want for your future, please be honest with him and move on.
If you have mentioned cheating, then you are not ready for a lifetime commitment to anybody. Postpone the wedding, figure out what you want -- take your time -- and as per what you have decided, go from there. GL.
What exactly do you mean about being open in communication? Are you asking if you should talk about how you currently don't feel fulfilled in your life as it is? I do think this is an important talk to have with your SO. If you don't improve your situation, you will end up resenting him, and possibly your daughter too.
If you are asking about whether or not you should approach him about having an open relationship, that's a call you have to make. It isn't something I would ever accept in a relationship, but you would know your guy better than I would.
Like PP, I can't tell if this is just about sex or if you are unfulfilled in other ways. But either way, you aren't happy and you need to be honest about that to yourself and your SO and not take things further until you figure out what you what you need.
what if you sort of "compromise" meaning take parts of what you wanted in your old self like the career you wanted and pursue that.. go out with your girlfriends once in a while still you cant be happy if you arent yourself. but you also cant go back to the past. so like some others have suggested i would take the bits and pieces and pursue them take those things to be "selfish" about. the career will get you out of the house while your at work and talking to people and going with your girlfriends once in a while will give you the girl time you need.
just a thought let us know how your doing
Are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole? Sure seems like it. I think you need to first be open and honest with yourself about what you want. Do you want the freedom to have different sexual partners? Or do you want the stability of monogamy with a family? Most people are not able to have both. Even if you were able to work out a relationship that permits sexual encounters with other people, it might not work out. Would you grant your partner the same freedoms you desire for yourself? Is it ok if he slept with someone else?
Don't make the mistake of forcing yourself to live somebody else's ideal. Society, family, religion, all impose some version of what is acceptable to them, but what you want may not fit into any mold. You owe it to yourself and to your child to be honest about what kind of life you want to live. After you had your baby, the fact is, you no longer are #1 in your life. There is a dependent child whose needs will usually take precedence over yours. If you want the rest of the time to be devoted to your own needs, then go for it. It's ok if you identify that there is not enough room in your life to take on the needs and demands of another person. If you worry you will cheat, it is best to eliminate that temptation by not getting involved in a monogamous relationship.
I cannot agree with this enough.
You don't HAVE to want to be a monogamous wife and mother. There's nothing wrong with not wanting that, or not doing that. Don't try to be someone you aren't.
I will say this. I have been in an "open relationship" and it did not work at all. It was actually with the guy I'm now engaged to. I knew the moment we got together that he was involved with someone else, but we wanted to be together. It got to the point that I wanted him to myself and he actually decided he wanted it to be exclusively me and him. If you are thinking about having an open relationship, please make sure that your SO is completely fine with the idea. It is much harder than you would think, but then again, I am strictly monogomous. And don't forget too that you have a daughter. Make sure you do what's best for all of you. I'm sure there are ways you can go out and have fun with your girl friends or find a way to incorporate the old you into the new you and then come home to you SO and daughter.