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Married Life-Help!!!
...we have been married for 5 years, we have loved each other very much. Our relationship was alwayes very good, based on friendship, love and trust.
Our problems started two years ago, my husband has no desire to have sex at all. First I was thinking that will pass and we will be back to normal, but the situation is not changing.
It looks and feels like he does not want to have sex, does not want to even touch me or be intimate with me.
I have been trying very hard not to make a big deal about that, but I can feel that the whole situation is affecting me more and more. I simply truly miss him...
I also know, that he is not in another relationshipe and when approched he will say that he loves me...
It almost break my heart, to see how we went from an amazing relationship to one that has no sex life at all.
I am so scared and afraid to talk about it, because I really love him and I guess I am afraid that nothing will change, but I am also to the point that no intimacy is hurting me very much inside.
In the end -I would like us to start a family, and lack of the intimacy or sex is not really helping.
Re: Married Life-Help!!!
Well, yet again, we need to be able to see all the bits of the jigsaw in order to put together the whole picture..........So;....
What happened two years ago?.....did he suddenly lose interest or was it gradual??...was it linked to any particular event or problem?
Next,....If your relationship is "based on friendship love and trust" why have you not been able to communicate with him and get some answers??.......Why has intimacy between you failed?
Finally,...why are you wanting/conisdering starting a family if you have severe doubts and worries about you relationship?.......is this matter the cause of his/your problem?.......Is he afraid to have sex with you now for some reason?
As a man I can tell you that intelligent men in established relationships don't just stop having sex with women they love unless they are either physically ill or VERY upset with the woman about something.
All of this! Well put.
TTC since September 2012
As a man I can tell you that intelligent men in established relationships don't just stop having sex with women they love unless they are either physically ill or VERY upset with the woman about something.
Keep this in mind. When there is a disconnect in the bedroom, it usually is an indicator that other larger problems exist...and a guy who was once red hot for you just doesn't stop having sex.
My big question:
Have you discussed this issue with him at all? You went 2 years with not even encroaching the topic with him? WHY???
When this problem began, that's when you needed to sit down and address what was happening. Instead you let 2 years pass before you even verbalized that there was a problem.
More backstory would help:
Has he recently developed a health problem: diabetes, something hormonal, something thyroid, taking meds that might vanquish his libido? (all of thse can kill one's sex drive or make it zero)
Is he working long stressful hours?
Have things changed between you in general?
Has he gained or lost a great deal of weight? Maybe it is a self conscious and body image issue.
You need to speak to him. Make sure you have no interruptions and that you and he can discuss what's going on at length and frankly and openly.
Maintaining your silence won't help. It'll worsen the issue and it can and will put a riff between the 2 of you. As you can see, sex, like money and religion and kids, is one of the big issues in a relationship and can be very ugly a topic when it rears its head.
Do NOT even consider having a family until this problem is solved and to your ultimate satisfaction.
Say to him, "honey, we used to have such a hot sex life -- what's happening? We have not been having sex; I want us to go back to the way we were" and then see where he takes the subject.
The bottom line:
After discussing the lack of sex --- and having him get a full medical checkup --- he needs one to rule out any health problems he may have --- he needs to work on maintaining your sex life with you. (and if he refuses to go to a doctor for a full checkup, consider that bad news, also) If I were you, I'd make the checkup mandatory and a must, if he wants the marriage to continue.
He needs to make sure you are happy and satisfied and you are more than pleased with the frequency of intercourse: this is what character, love and caring is all about. He needs to put you first.
If he refuses, or gives you lip service, or promises to be hot and heavy and then does nothing about it, you've got an even bigger problem than no sex in your marriage.
What it is now is a character issue.
And it could also very well mean something else is afoot:
He's having an affair and getting his share somewhere else (partners can and will hide their dalliances very well to the point where the spouse/SO will not ever find out)
He's decided not to have sex with you anymore (for only a reason he can name)
He's gay and on the way out of the closet
If he consistently slacks off or doesn't come through with the goods at all and he won't pitch in to do his part, the ball is now in your court.
You can:
Decide to move on because you did not marry to eventually get nothing but a celibate roommate and NOT a husband
Or he can let you pursue an open relationship and have sex with whoever it is you please to have sex with.
It's very disturbing that there is no affection outside of the bedroom. No kissing, no touches, no hand holding, no "honey, you look fantastic today" or "Sweetie, that was a fantastic meal; thank you very much"??? This is bad in itself.
And for just this issue alone, he needs to give you an explanation.
It sounds to me like he has checked out of the relationship emotionally....a man just doesn't give up having sex with his wife. There's a problem when all of a sudden a mate is sexually unavailable. And a problem when the mate remains in that status.
I am not saying that yes, he definitely has checked out but wow, if you can't tell your spouse that he or she is fantastic or kiss them hello or goodbye at the start/end of the day or put an arm around your spouse....pretty sad.:( Something is going on. And you need to get to the bottom of it.
Pursue this issue relentlessly. Make sure you get an answer.
And if he has indeed emotionally checked out of the relationship, he needs to be a man and fess up and say that he wishes to move on. He should be fair to you, not let you think that all is fair dinkum and just fine...minus, of course, the little problem that involves no action in the sack.
You should go as far as giving him a deadline to start getting busy with you. And tell him that the continuation of his marriage is directly contingent upon his resuming his sex life with you -- I would tell him that and make it stick and stand behind those very words.
Hoping you straighten this out. GL.
This.
OP, you were quick to say that you "know he isnt seeing someone else" but a H doesnt just STOP having sex with his wife all of a sudden.
Something is terribly wrong here, terribly.
You need to sit down and talk to him and if you choose not to, understand that nothing will change.
GL.
And if you maintain your silence, you'll never get an answer and you'll wind up resenting him and having quite the divide in your relationship.
During the discussion, I'd also ask him without preamble "are you gay."
It could very well be he is no longer physically attracted to you. That sucks and it's a sh!tty possibility but it happens.
I am wondering also if the 2 of you are growing apart --- is there anything that happened in your relationship 2 years ago that might make this possibility a reality --- did he get a promotion, did he start doing things without you (maybe indulging in a new hobby that involved other people: running, some sport, etc -- that you do not also partake in?)
Something is weird here and amiss.
For your sake get down to business and find out what's what --- and if it so happens you have to move on, get yourself a guy who thinks you are hotter than the proverbial fuse. You are married to this guy but wow, he's not meeting your physical needs (and he KNOWS this and is doing nothing about it) and that's just despicable.
Despicable also is "when approached" he will say he loves you. You should not have to throw a shoe at a spouse to get him or her to say "I love you". All of this should be automatic and a given.
I am starting to wonder what kind of douche this guy is: he comes and goes, you wait on him and he gets his needs met with meals cooked, a clean home, the laundry done and all that other stuff -- but he just can't seem to ante up and put out in the bedroom?
You, however, can put out in that aspect. He can't seem to provide anything sexual for you.
I urge you to get to the bottom of what's going on. If you are having trouble encroaching this topic --- some people are shy about it (that is no crime) see a therapist to give you the mettle to point blank ask this guy what's the deal. He owes you a full explanation, with no evasiveness and no holds barred --- why he won't have sex with you anymore. Let his ass man up and admit what's going on --- so that YOU can make the next move that's in your favor.
DOn't be so quick to rule out "he's not having an affair." There are also prostitutes, eff buddies and other outlets for him to engage in intercourse without you finding out. He could be getting it on at lunchtime with somebody, or going there after work and then heading home, all without any type of "AFFAIR" red flag being thrown right in your face.
I also know of a true incidence where somebody's boyfriend stopped having sex with her. The sex ended when he met somebody else....and now he's seeing both women (and a third; long story). Three guesses who he is nailing.:( She is dating him in a sex free relationship...weird weird weird what some women will settle for.
She's now into Year Two of no sex with her boyfriend.
Are you kidding? Telll me you have a testosterone problem??? I'd ask to see the lab work! And if he did not produce it on the spot pronto, bye bye.
And I'd want to know why he's done nothing about his so called problem...before I said goodbye and cleared out.)
I've seen it happen in other instances: you and a boyfriend are hot and heavy and all of a sudden he has no time to see you. (See the above cited case) A guy who wants YOU will have a normal sex life with you, with normal frequency of sex. He gives up on sex with you? he's just not INTO sex with you. Sad but true.
And if he ain't into sex with me, I ain't into him. Ta ta.
The courts used to call this "alienation of affection" and it used to be a bona fide reason for filing for divorce. It still is --- perhaps not in the legal definition of the law (though you can get an annullment very early on in your marriage if it turns out that your spouse won't go horizontal with you) but it sure is, emotionally and in that sense of the word.
Put yourself first.
I am so scared and afraid to talk about it, because I really love him and I guess I am afraid that nothing will change, but I am also to the point that no intimacy is hurting me very much inside.
I don't believe there is anything here, or anybody, to love. Where is his concern for your needs and where is there affection for you?
There's nothing here to love.
Oh, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know this is not how you pictured intimacy within your marriage. And, it's totally understandable you don't want to live with the status quo. So, my first thought is that it would probably be helpful for you and your husband to get some outside assistance. Do you think he would be willing to talk to a counselor with you? It might also be a good idea to run this by his doctor and rule out any health issues. But, don't lose hope! I know many other couples have faced similar issues and worked through them. And, I'll be praying that you'll see a big change in your marriage. Hang in there!