Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
So frustrated and lost....please help.
This is going to be a long post, I appologize. Im hoping someone can help me figure out what to do because Im really struggling to get past this lump in my new marriage. My husband and I were married 8 months ago....and it hasn't really been what I expected.
The first few months were great. We had dinner together every evening and I looked forward to making it special. We spent so much time together....but it's changed. My husband was raised to be independent and to take care of what belongs to him. I loved that about him....but right now, it's the thing that's driving us apart.
We got married at a young age I guess - he's 26 and I'm 21. He bought us our first home before we were married and for that I am so thankful. It's a beautiful little house. He works for a company that makes airplane parts and right now, I'm blessed that I am able to go to school full time to become a dental assistant while he works to provide for us. I don't take him for granted because he's given me so much already and I'm so proud of him....but idk, sometimes it's like he's too independent.
Just a few examples of recent things: he loves to work out but it's not really my thing, at least at the gym like he likes to do. He gets off of work about 4:30 every day and he goes straight to the gym. We had made a compromise to where he went monday, wednesday, and friday, and maybe one day on the weekend. I don't eat dinner until he comes home so that we can share that together. The thing is, he doesn't get home til close to 7 or later, so dinner is on hold and that puts dishes behind and everything else. Yes, I could eat without him but we always ate dinner together as a family at home growing up and I want that for us. It's time to unwind and talk with each other.
Everyday, he gets home later and later when he's working out. When he's not, he's too tired to do anything which I understand with him being the only one working but all I want is an hour with him after not seeing him all day before he falls asleep or whatever. We don't have children yet and I get home from school at 1:30, so i'm home alone most of the week and it frustrates me that he doesn't act like being at home is important to me. It's like I've become a second thought almost. I don't expect him to cater to me or anything, just realize how much his time with me matters after being alone all day long. There is only so much that you can do EVERYDAY to entertain yourself when money is tight and you are home alone with no one to keep you company.
And just the other evening, we had a couple stop by and I had to introduce myself AS they were LEAVING because he never mentioned me. They had no idea I was even there. It frustrates me on this because i don't understand why I'm not the first person he thinks about. When I meet a new person or I'm even talking to someone we already know, he is always the first person on my mind and the first person I mention in any conversation. It's completely opposite with him; he completely forgets I'm there when it comes to introducing me to the friends of his that I've never met before too.
Maybe it's not a big deal to some, but now that i'm his WIFE I would hope that he would think about me before anything or anyone else. Between this and friends fading away after getting married, I feel like crying most of the time anymore. I just want something to change. Can anyone relate or give me some advice?
Btw, I don't need comments from anyone who is going to be hateful. I've seen some responses to other posts on here and tha'ts not why I'm here.
Re: So frustrated and lost....please help.
I hope you don't find my comment hateful, but there are some questions I would like to ask.
First, you mentioned "friends fading away", and I have to ask why? Just because you are married now does not mean that you can't stay in touch with friends. I think that part of your loneliness that you're attributing to your H's schedule is being compounded by the fact that you are also not seeing your friends. My first bit of advice would be to schedule some "girl time" and reconnect with friends. They are important to a healthy balanced life also.
Second, you said he likes to work out at the gym, but it's not your thing. I think this is where compromise comes in...maybe you can go once a week with him. So he gets his gym time, and you get some time with him. Or, if you are really against it, see if he'd be open to doing some exercise that you could both enjoy...I don't know, let's say running, for example. I think there can be a solution if you communicate to one another.
That brings my to my third question. Have you sat down and spoken with him about this? Sorry if it's a dumb question but your post doesn't really mention if you have done this yet or what his reaction was. I would say that it's important to let him know how you're feeling, but try to avoid any kind of accusations, such as "You don't make time for me", or "You're too busy", or "You're not putting in effort". Focus more on how you're feeling and finding ways to compromise.
It's a new marriage, and there's going to be some bumps in the road, but if you love each other and communicate, then you'll be ok. Now, give a girlfriend a call!!
It sounds like he isn't all that interested in being married.
Sorry if that's hateful to you, but it's the truth.
If you get out of school at 1:30, why don't you get an afternoon/evening job? It would provide more money for the household (so money isn't so tight), take the burden off of him for being the sole income earner (which must be stressful for him), and give you something else to do besides sit around waiting on him (it must be annoying for both of you to have your entire life revolve around him).
Best case scenario, getting a job and life of your own will put things into perspective for both of you and will bring you closer together. Worse case scenario, at least you're prepared to be self-sufficient if he decides that he doesn't want to be married anymore.
You do seem a bit hung up on dinner. Yes it is nice to have dinner, but there are other times you can spend together too. What about thinking of some other things you can do after he gets home from the gym? 7 isn't really that late-you could still have a glass of wine together and talk. Or maybe you have a tv show you both like that you can watch and discuss. It can be hard to make time for each other sometimes, but try and get creative! And make sure he knows the importance of date nights. Also, maybe you too could take up some more active activities since he's into fitness. Things like biking or playing a game of hoops could be a compromise for both of you.
With the new people, I wouldn't read too much into that. If he's anything like my husband, he probably forgot about them and that's why he didn't tell you. Maybe it was only a brief convo.
I am getting the feeling that a lot of these feelings might be because you feel lonely and bored bc you are home alone so much. Why not reconnect with your old friends? Have a girls night! Do you have any hobbies or interests?
I wouldn't say that he is uninterested in being married anymore, but is likely feeling like you are being a little clingy. I don't mean that it a bad way, as I get the same way also, but sometimes if a person is naturally very independent, and then they have someone constantly wanting to be with them, it can be a little overwhelming. I'm going to guess that before the wedding you were so busy with planning that you were more independent, and now that you have nothing to keep you busy, he is viewing you as a dependent person, and it's bothering him a little bit. My husband gets the same way.
I agree with PP, reconnect with your friends, get a part-time job or find a hobby/sport/activity. Also, maybe try compromising on your dinner schedule. Have a formal dinner time on days he's not going to the gym, and schedule a date night once a week if you can. It doesn't have to be anything big. It could be as simple as a redbox and popcorn at home. You wanted him to compromise on the gym schedule, and it seems he has, so show him you can do the same.
Finally, sit down and have a no-distraction conversation where you approach the topics diplomatically. As PP said, do not make accusations. Instead say "I really enjoy _______ with you, and would like to get back to doing that more often" or "I've noticed that you've done more _______ lately, is there a reason this has changed?" The way you approach the conversation topics will make a huge difference in the results you get. No one likes to feel attacked or put down in conversations, so keep it positive and reassure him that you appreciate everything he does, you just want to make sure you are spending time together and are on the same page.
Good luck, and don't worry. This is normal for newlyweds. It's a huge adjustment, but you will both get through this.
I would imagine he's probably stressed because he works so much and is the sole provider of the household. Working out at the gym is probably how he gets rids of some of that stress so he doesnt come home and take it out on you. You said its not your thing to work out at the gym, but what about some home workouts? My H and I were doing the 30 day shred at home for a while- it gave us something fun to do together and its good for you so why not.
Maybe consider what PP said about getting a part time job. Even if you just work 2 days a week, it gets you out of the house and you're doing something productive and making a little extra money. That might make him happier too, knowing that you're out doing something that contributes to the family. You could also do some extra studying in your downtime- that can't hurt. Just another suggestion of something you could do that's productive.
I wouldnt' be too worried about the fact that he didn't introduce you to this other couple. I'm pretty sure men just don't think of stuff like that like we do. I would have said something right away though if this couple is coming into your house and you don't know who they are. I probably would have introduced myself or turn to H and say are you going to introduce me?
Why are your friends fading away just because you're married? That's probably what you need, is some girlfriends to chat with about all this. And also I would definitely be talking to your H about your concerns. Only the 2 of you can figure out how to work things out so everyone is happy.
Your husband actually sounds a lot like me. In my relationship I'm fiercely independent and the main bill payer. I also like going to the gym most days of the week. For a while my DH was unemployed and it was TIRING that when I came home he immediately wanted to hang out and would complain when I needed/wanted to do my own thing for a little while.
Compromise. Learn how to do it now. I don't go to the gym every night, but my DH will come with me every now and then, and when it's nice out I will opt to go play disk golf with him (because he enjoys doing it and it's another form of exercise). We give each other our space, but we also will sit down and usually watch an hour of television together when he's not working a night shift and we'll eat dinner together maybe 3 nights a week.
Don't compare you and your husband's home life to what you grew up with...it's GOING to be different. Your husband should be willing to compromise with you, but you have to realize that maybe things won't be exactly as they used to be when you lived with your parents.
Definitely talk this out with your husband if you haven't already.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
You sound a lot like me. I am a quality time person and when I have that time with my husband, it is when I feel most loved. However, I know this about myself and don't have a problem letting my husband know we need to spend more time together. On the other hand, I recognize that my husband is different than me and likes having time to himself to watch football, work on the house or do whatever. We just needed to lay out our needs in front of each other and come to a compromise. We have designated time to spend together and time apart too.
I also wanted to add that it sounds like you are making your husband your sole source of companionship and happiness. That is an incredible and impossible burden to put on a person. Like others have mentioned, try to find a part time job after school or maybe even volunteer. Are you two religious ? If so maybe a church that has a strong newlyweds or young married class would give you a chance to meet some new friends.
This is the sort of thing that results from getting married young when you want to repeat the patterns you know from living with your parents, like having dinner at so and so and talk about so and so for x time, 'cause you haven't really formed your own patterns yet.
You have a brand new family now, don't try to impose a model on it, rather discover the rhythms that work for the two of you alone.
I think you're putting too much meaning on the whole thing. Of course you should talk openly about how to make certain things work best, compromise etc. but I'd still suggest you to go with the flow a little more and let go of some of your expectations.
ETA - let me add that there's no need for you to be isolated just because you're married. This is something you can be proactive about, you can always dedicate a few of your afternoons to rekindle with friends or cultivate a hobby or anything that will keep you sane. Not to mention, joining your H at the gym a couple of times a week
He can go to the gym before work. Why can't he do that? Lots of people do.
You get out of school at 1:30 --- find something to do! Take zumba lessons or find something to do that is active or sign up for something volunteer in your community (lots of after school programs at elementary,middle and high schools need volunteers) or your house of worship.
You can always volunteer at a soup kitchen or some other charitable organization in your company.
or engage in a hobby or sport.
There are tons of things you can do. You've got a lot of down time and this is what is contributing to the problem.
I think you're being a wee bit too clingy. You guys are married, not joined at the hip! He's the sole provider, the only one working... that's stressful. And if he goes to the gym to unwind, so be it. That's ok. And if dinner gets pushed back as a result, no big deal.
Between this and friends fading away after getting married, I feel like crying most of the time anymore. I just want something to change. Can anyone relate or give me some advice?
You're responsible for your friendships, they don't just "fade away." You have to make a commitment to maintain those friendships, put in some effort to cultivate those relationships. Again, just because you two are married it doesn't mean he automatically changes and becomes less independent, it does not mean your friends disappear, and it sure as hell doesn't require you two to be constantly joined at the hip!
I think you need to take a lesson from your husband and gain some of your own independence. I agree with PPs.... get yourself a PT job, try to get a schedule where you work on the nights he goes to the gym. Keep your mind occupied with something other than him!
Look your young, your marriage is pretty new... there are going to kinks that need ironing out. So don't fret. You just have to compromise, communicate, and learn to accept certain traits of his.
Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? The theory there is that there are 5 ways in which we express/crave love: quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts. You can google it to learn more about it. Anyways, the basic idea is that, while we each enjoy all 5 things on some level, there are certain love languages that we are more fluent in, so to speak. You seem really big on quality time and he is more of an acts of service person. The key is that we recognize the acts of love been directed at us, even if it isn't in our language.
I am probably not explaining this as well as I would like (your really should google it), but essentially it means that, just because he doesn't prioritize dinner as much as you, it doesn't mean he doesn't prioritize YOU. Have an honest conversation with him without judgement.
You seem to think that your husband is your entire world. Yes, he's very important, but he has a lot of things in his life that he likes to do and it seems the height of self-centered to assume that he should just drop them to sit on the couch with you every night. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.
Both my husband and I work full time. I'm out the door at 7:30am and home by 6:30pm. He leaves more like 9am and gets home around 8pm. There is no chance in hell I'd wait for him to eat dinner. I eat, clean up, get a glass of wine, and read a book until he comes home. We sit and chat while he eats dinner, watch TV and go to bed together. We adjusted to our schedules.
If you only have class until 1:30pm, then it's time to find ways to fill your time. If you go to school full time, don't have lots of studying to do at night? I worked my ass off in college and graduate school. But, if not, find a hobby. Go out with friends. Maybe set a Monday, Wednesday, Friday meeting for dinner at a certain time but the other days leave him be.
One of the things I try very hard in my marriage not to do is dictate how my husband spends his time or let him do the same to me. We are both fiercely independent people. I wouldn't take kindly to him telling me when to be home every night and neither would he. So, we give each other a lot of lee-way and still spend oodles of quality time together.
Compromise. You have to have it.
Amber, from reading your post, I get the feeling you are lonely and depressed? I think your sadness is not only about your marriage, but about a lot of major life changes in general. Likely, even if he was around 24/7,you still wouldn't feel complete.
I can understand why you feel that way, especially since you feel he is never around. I would follow the advise of other posters, it very important for your to have your own life, along with the life you create with him. You are young and obviously hard working in dental school, so why not find fun activity to join in your community? Or go to church? It sounds like you would feel better if you made some good girlfriends. SInce you mentioned money being tight, why not do some volunteer work?
About him not introducing you, theres a few reasons to let it go, but mostley because husbands do dumb stuff all the time without even considering if it would bother their wife. I'm sure he didn't do it only to make you feel upset.
I hope this helps a little. Things will get better. Your marriage is still young and you guys will find a way to work out your patterns.