Sex & Romance
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No sex life...
My husband and I have been together 4yrs and married for one. In the first year or so of our relationship our sex life was amazing. Things started to change after that, we went from having sex at least once a day to maybe once a week. It's now gotten to the point that if I don't initiate the act we will go months without sex. What kills me is that he's masturbating and watching porn on an almost daily basis.
I've brought this up several times over the years and he always has an excuse. First it was he was always angry and tired after work, and then it was I was always angry about work, and then it was he's only in the mood in the morning, now his reason is he's only in the mood at night. I've tried spicing thing up in different ways and suggested watching porn together (which he refuses to do). I'm at my wits end I hate feeling that I have to throw myself at my husband to get attention and it's rather damaging to my self esteem when he will get off to images of other women but won't touch me. I know that he isn't having an affair, but I don't know how to fix it.
I've brought this up several times over the years and he always has an excuse. First it was he was always angry and tired after work, and then it was I was always angry about work, and then it was he's only in the mood in the morning, now his reason is he's only in the mood at night. I've tried spicing thing up in different ways and suggested watching porn together (which he refuses to do). I'm at my wits end I hate feeling that I have to throw myself at my husband to get attention and it's rather damaging to my self esteem when he will get off to images of other women but won't touch me. I know that he isn't having an affair, but I don't know how to fix it.
Re: No sex life...
So, you have been together for 4 years but only married for 1 year, and this has been going on "over the years"..........So, why did you marry him knowing this was a problem?
Men don't act like this with women they love and respect unless they are complete and utter morons,..or, the woman has badly offended them in some way.....
a good place to start would be to just ask him why/when/how he stopped being in love with you ,...don't even mention the sex part because it's not your main problem, frankly!
....EDIT;..Yet again we're not seeing all the bits of the jigsaw here..... What 'flavour' of porn is he watching every day?.......Could it be gay porn?
It very well could be that this relationship was over long before you were married -- maybe he thought marriage was the thing to do next and/or that everyone, like his parents and friends, expected it --- so he went ahead and married you anyway.
You've seen it, I've seen it, we've all seen it happen in our lives. whether it was to one of us, or to a friend or somebody else we know who is dating/married to so and so: when the sex dies off, the relationship is over. He/she is just not into you anymore.
(He could also be hiding inside a nice deep closet, by marrying you. Sorry, but it could be true...not saying it is...but maybe that's where this whole thing is at)
So you've spoken to him and all you got was a bunch of hot air and excuses?
This is bullshit; you are married a year; something is funky as hell.
You need to have one more talk with this guy:
Sit him down and recap the course of events -- and tell him straight away that if he doesn't start anteing up in the sack asap you'll be taking your act on the road and that his marriage to you will be over.
I'm serious: tell him he's done if he's done having sex with you.
you did not marry to get a roommate that you have the distinction of cleaning for, cooking for, doing laundry for and ironing, entertaining and running errands for.
YOu know for a fact that he's masturbating and watching porn?
You have cold hard evidence that he is?
Or is this maybe one of his little excuses from him why he won't get busy with you?
That he refused to watch porn with you is weird. Uh, I wonder what kind of porn he is viewing: maybe it's gay porn and he is trying to keep that little fact of the matter hidden under wraps. (and this was my thought before I even read OldBugle's reply to you. Maybe he and I are on to something)
You have no assurance that he's watching straight porn -- it could also be fetish porn, BDSM porn or something else that's not your typical porn film.
Maybe he merely prefers masturbating over sex. That in itself is a bit weird.
The facts:
You're going without sex and affection. He's given you excuse after excuse and he will not do anything to make you happy. And what you have said to him is meaningless to him.
This is also now a character issue: by not getting in gear and making you happy shows me that he's got zero respect for you and that he cares nothing about your needs and your happiness. And that alone is a much greater issue than *just* his issue of not wanting to having sex with you.
He's either gay, having an affair or he's simply decided he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. Or he simply prefers to masturbate and not have intercourse.
I suggest you follow my suggestion: tell him he gives it up to you starting right now and with regularity ---- or the marriage is over.
And if he won't get moving after that, wow, have you ever got your story. It'll show you how much he doesn't care about you or being married TO you.:(
File -- and you find a guy who thinks you're hotter than hell. Something is amiss here when there is a disconnect with sex.
Married a year? Perhaps you can get an annullment vs a divorce.
Wow, what a way to waste somebody's time: if he wasn't into you sexually why in heck did he marry you? and moreover, why did you agree to marry somebody who was dead in bed and done with you physically?
Maybe you guys thought marriage was next or that somehow you thought that once you got married, he'd change... and become a sexual tilt a whirl and a real animal in the sack: nope. As you can see, it doesn't work that way.
Wishing you luck. Get down to the bottom of this. And make sure it is resolved to YOUR satisfaction.
ETA: how nice of this prince to use your "being angry about work" as a reason NOT to have sex with his better half. For that alone, he stinks on ice. He also doesn't sound like a full grown adult to me.:(
Wow. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. A friend of mine went through this same thing and that's why I am so turned off by the thought of porn in my marriage because for some, it may become obsessive.
I am not going to say that I think your husband is cheating or doesn't love you or find you attractive. I think the big problem is the porn. Watching porn daily is obsessive in my book. Some individuals get addicted to porn and therefore they don't want real life intercourse because they like their hand better.
Sit down and talk to your husband and tell him how you feel and how sex is an important part in a marriage and/or think about counseling.
I wish you the best.
TTC since September 2012
To address some of the questions...
It's not gay porn.
Why did I marry him? I love him. I didn't expect getting married to magically change things
I appreciate the input as hard to hear as it has been
Oh, I'm sure you loved him and that's why you married him.
The question is why did he bother to marry you if he wasn't going to provide for you in all ways, including in the bedroom?
The horse is out of the barn.:( What's important is that you address the problem and then get a solution that satifies you.
Put yourself first. He can't give you a bunch of "I'll try harder" or "gee honey I don't know why I won't have sex with you" -- he needs to meet your needs, no questions asked.
And if he cannot do that, then you take it from there.
Also: If you are religious, perhaps speak to your clergy person: he or she will tell you "Forsaking all others" means that you come first in every way, no questions asked.
You might also want to bounce this issue off a sex therapist. Something had to happen when the disconnect with sex began to happen --- or, like I said, it's very possible that when the sex started to dry up, the relationship was, also.
What this is is working together as a team.:)
And I am sure if the opposite was happening, your H would understand, This is all hormonal, whether you lose desire due to hormones or the opposite happens.
What is disturbing is that the OP's H isn't doing anything on his part to hold up his end of the bargain. As I said, this is now a character issue and that's an issue that's far more glaring than *just* the lack of sex alone. Doesn't he care about his wife's happiness? What will it take for him to GET IT --- the roof to fall in on him?
I also find it disturbing that the OP didn't see the writing on the wall for what it was when the sex became spotty and less and less. This is when you sit down and talk to your partner -- this isn't the time to be shy or reticent or figure "maybe this is a phase". Nope.
For what it's worth: the OP needs to talk to him and make it clear that his marriage is going to end if he doesn't get with the program immediately. If he does nothing when the OP makes that clear, she's got her answer right there; not worthwhile pursuing. This is a dead turkey and from there, it's her move.
dupe sorry
sorry dupe post
I'm sorry to hear all of this....
If he is masturbating and watching porn all the time then it sounds like he is in the mood, he's just not focused on you. I think you need to both sit down and have a serious conversation. My personal view is that porn in a marriage is cheating. He shouldn't need to fill his head with images of other women when he has you. And on another note, you shouldn't need to throw yourself at him to get his attention. Perhaps you need to talk to him about his work frustrations and keep an open line of communication about EVERYTHING. Explain to him how you're feeling about the porn. Ask him how you (as a couple) could change things for the better. Ask him if he would be willing to go see a couples' therapist. If he isn't willing to go with you to a couples' therapist then maybe he isn't entirely invested in your marriage. You both need to be 100% committed to your marriage for it to work and if his head is somewhere else then he may already be going down a different path.
Wishing you and your husband the best! Take care!
The porn is the minor issue compared to the big one:
His lack of character.
And it may also be that he prefers to masturbate instead of having intercourse with a partner.
Something is amiss when there is a disconnect -- to the OP --- go back to the time where the sex started to drop off: can you think of anything that was going on in your lives at the time?
Maybe you can trace it back to an event or something that happened in your relationship... then again, it could have been that the relationship was simply done and ran its course and for some reason, you and he stayed together.
Back to the current situation: you need to tell him he puts out or you get out. No ifts ands or buts. And if he won't? You leave. You didn't get married to have a celibate relationship.
He's not interested in fixing this or working on this with you: again, a character thing and it also looks like he may have emotionally checked out of the relationship.
Have you hear of the Madonna and the whore complex? It's a very common issue among men and it sounds like you might be dealing with it. It basically states that men who see woman as the whore have no trouble sleeping with them but once they see women as the Madonna/the mother/the wife they have trouble having sex with them. If this is the case go see a therapist.
My husband and I went through the same sort of thing, the day we got married he basically stopped wanting to have sex. I felt totally cheated. We went to a therapist and all is better now but she did tell us this is actually a really common thought pattern for men whether they change their actions or not.
Good Luck.