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Sister-in-law
I have a very good relationship with my in-laws. It's so good, in fact, that we have two of them living with us, DH's sister and a nephew. I am all for helping family, but I'm not for enabling bad behavior.
Here is some back story: my SIL has 2 adult children. For years we have known her daughter was an addict and SIL was an enabler. About 2 months ago, an event at her most recent job caused us to be concerned and DH said she could move in. She quit her job. We laid down ground rules and she agreed. She was receiving troubling calls from her daughter verbally abusing her, calling her names, and pretty much harassing her. All of this because her mother refused to help her any more. The main reason was because she couldn't. She had no money. SIL started a new job in the same field as the one she lost. She works a lot of hours and is doing well. Yesterday morning she receives a call from her daughter at 3am saying she was released from jail and asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. SIL tells us she said no because it was the middle of the night and she was tired. Our nephew tells us she texted him and asked him to come home from work so that he could go with her to get her daughter. She lied.
DH and I have been struggling to supporting the entire household. Our nephew pays us what he can evey month, but it's not the much. It's all he can afford and we understand. SIL hasn't really been able to contribute financially, but she helped around the house. Now that she's working, of course we expect some financial contribution. My concern is she and her daughter have such a co-dependent relationship that I think she will start supporting her again and we're not going to know a thing about it. She's been doing this for years. She has lied for her daughter numerous times. She told me her daughter was clean for a month and I reminded her that she just called a week prior high out of her mind. her response was she was not using the hardcore drugs, just Xanax. I've told her she needs therapy to deal with their disfunctional relationship.
DH said he will have a conversation with her, but to be honest, I think she will say what he wants to hear. Am I right for being concerned or am I overracting?
Re: Sister-in-law
You both need to go to a support group (Al-anon). Your sister sound like part of the problem and I can tell you first hand that you cannot change that relationship. It is also possible that as some point this situation becomes toxic for your marriage, it is a good idea to get a game plan in place in case that happens. You and your husband need to start preparing yourself for all outcomes.
I hate to break it to you but providing rent free housing, food and utilities also makes you an enabler for your SIL and nephew. They are adults. Get the niece out now, your house not theirs. Enablers only prolong the inevitable downward spiral.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
PP is right, both of you are now guilty of enabling your SIL. I understand you did it to help and out of a place of love, but as you can clearly see, this isn't working.
Both of you can also contact Al-Anon and Narc-Anon. I am not talking for your SIL but also for yourselves. Your niece's addiction is involving both of you now too and this is a safe place to learn how you can help.
You might also have to realize that there might be absolutely nothing you can do for your SIL. Everychance you give her will probably end up being used for drugs for your niece. Who knows, maybe if your SIL truly had no where to turn and truly had no money to give, then your niece might just have to stay in prison where she might find sobriety.
Thanks, ladies. Just to clarify a few things: the niece does not live with us. She isn't allowed at our home and does not know where we live. We don't talk to her at all. My nephew pays rent. We set a price based on how much he gets paid. My SIL has been living rent free because she had no job. Now that she does, she will have to start paying rent. She hasn't received a paycheck yet. As far as us going to therapy, I didn't think of that because we have nothing to do with our niece. I haven't seen her since February when my MIL was in the hospital and before then it had been at least 3 years. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea for DH and SIL to go. DH seems pretty angry at her and SIL is depressed and worries about her non-stop. Me, I've stayed out of it. I don't worry about her at all. She is an adult and not my child. I will consider it though and will go online to look for some groups here.
DH is having a conversation with SIL when she comes home today. I told him we are NOT going to allow her to live here and enable her. If she starts this cycle over again, she's OUT. This is the behavior that got her here in the first place.
Good for you. I understand you don't want to do much for your niece, I would be the same way. I just wanted to suggest Al-Anon because I figure it wouldn't hurt and it might give you guys some tools on how to approach your SIL. Plus, if might give SIL to go if she knows she won't be alone.
While you might not think or worry about her it affects your DH and you because they live there. Support groups are helpful b/c they give you some tools to cope with an addict, even from a distance. My brother is an addict, went to jail for DUI's and got clean for a few months. He has been out of jail for a year and was doing great but now seems to be going down the same road. My mom is an enabler and it has taken almost 10 years (he's 27) for her to realize her role and how toxic their relationship is. Counseling would be good for your DH and SIL, patterns don't change unless you do something about them. Don't under estimate how this could affect you b/c your SIL lives with you. I just don't see how it won't at some point. It does sound like you both have a healthy grip on the situation, good luck.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
you are absolutely right to be concerned.
i'd ask her to leave. you're enabling her enabling.