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Should I leave
My husband and I been married for a year and a month and we just had an amazing one year anniversary , however, recently my husband did something that he did before but I didnt think much of it until its been happening more than once.. and the thing that happened recently made me think about it more
I had few incidents where I got so upset at my husband only because I moved away from family and my home state to be with him. At times when I get frustrated and very upset while arguing and that only happened 2-3 times where I physically put my hand on him, like hitting his arm and it wasnt hurtful at all or putting my hand on his forehead and that was the only the time that I felt horrible and apologized, however most of the time I just push his arm or something.
Two days ago I pushed his arm because I was frustrated with him and he was yelling at me for a stupid reason, he holds my arms really tight and pushes me against the fridge and screams at my face and says hurtful things. This wasn't the first time he ever done that and he pushed me hard two times in the car before and held my arm very tight..
Its been three days since we really talked besides arguing here and there as he is asking me to apologize for what I did. I told him I wont apologize as what I did wasnt as hurtful as what he did. He keeps saying he wont apologize until I do and that he wont stop pushing me because he has the right as long as I physically touch him in any way. I seriously never hurt him physically even if I do anything like hitting his arm which doesn't hurt him AT ALL. Am I saying I have the right to do that? NO but sometimes it happens from frustration and I only have done that 3 times through out our marriage. Not proud of it but I have been depressed back then because of not having my family here and being in new state.
I have no one here as family to go to. I am considering leaving and going back home but if I do just to teach him a lesson, I will lose my job and it will complicate things.. I am not sure what to do.. I am very lost here
He DOES NOT seem to realize and see that what he is doing is just wrong.. and he keeps telling me that if I ever touch him he will touch me and thats it
What should I do?
Re: Should I leave
You should never put your hands on anyone in anger.
You seemed to have started all of this. Grow up.
No, it is NOT okay what he did. But how it sounds to me
is you think it's alright to push him away etc. during an argumen,
and it's not. If you hadn't put your hands on him would he have
put his on you?
Also, you chose to move with him, correct? I repeat, grow up.
First of all I didnt push him slightly on his arm because I am lonely and I moved to a different state for him. It was an argument about something else!!
Second I mentioned in my post that I dont think its okay for me to push him or hit his arm slightly , did you even read my post??
Third, he has done that before without me even touching him!
You seriously need to grow up and maybe read and understand thoroughly my post
WHOA!! Clam down!! You have admitted to putting your hands on him in anger, just because you say "it isn't okay" doesn't take away that you did it. Honestly it sounds like you two need couples counseling and you need to stop the whole victim card. So what if you moved to be with him? Plenty of people move for all kinds of reasons everyday. STOP blaming him, you made the decision to move.
Yes, you do need to GROW UP!!!!
He shouldn't put his hands on you during an argument.
And you shouldn't put your hands on him during an argument.
Both of you are in the wrong here. "It didn't hurt him" is not justification to lay a hand on someone.
Pushing/swatting/hitting/shoving/slapping/any type of aggressive physical contact from either person has absolutely no place in an argument. Ever.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
I totally agree with this. I don't think you should make any rash decisions, but I do think you should apologize for what you did wrong in the situation. I also think that he owes you an apology as well, however you can't make him do that. You can only accept responsibility for your own actions.
I think it is absolutely necessary that you two seek couples counseling immediately.
This may explain it all.
No one has a right to put hands on anyone else in anger, ever.
If you want to save your marriage go to counseling.
Both of you need to keep your hands to yourselves. I feel as if I'm talking to a 3 year old. Anyway, you need to apologize and if he doesn't then oh well. Go to counseling so the 2 of you can learn how to handle your anger.
As for you moving, stop crying about that. Lots of married couples move for lots of different reasons. If you didn't want to go, then you should've talked about that with YH before you moved. Stop using that as an excuse for your pushing tantrums.
TTC since September 2012
TTC since September 2012
This...not apologizing because you didn't hurt him is BS. You inniciated the fight, you were the first to 'lay hands'...you did hurt him..maybe not physically but verbally and emotionally sure sounds like you did. If you cant (wo)man up and take responsibility for your own actions..no matter how wrong his actions are, you have some part of the blame to take. Get into counselling and learn how to deal with each other without abusing eachother ...physically...OR verbally or emotionally. You should leave if you can't be in a relationship without resorting to hitting no matter how much it "doesn't hurt" the other person...I agree with the pp, you have some growing up to do before you can handle an adult relationship.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
To be honest it sounds like you both need a little help. It's not right for either of you to touch each other out of anger. If you really want this relationship to last I would recommend some counseling. They can teach you ways to work through your anger and deal with your issues in a better way.
I hope you two work out your issues.
Nutmeg Nanny Food Blog
1) You shouldn't have pushed him.
2) He shouldn't have pushed you.
3) This sounds incredibly unhealthy and requires immediate intervention. TBH, if a spouse (wife OR husband) puts their hands on each other in an aggressive manner, that's grounds for divorce in my book. It usually only escalates from where it starts. You only "pushed his arm" and he "shoved you against the fridge" can quickly turn into much worse. Leave. Now. Take vacation at your job and visit family, get things set up there, and make the move.
4) Accept that you were in the wrong here, also.
Exactly this. You have an incredibly unhealthy relationship dynamic here and you are both at fault. You don't get a pass because "it didn't really hurt him".
Well, I'm unsure that the OP will return to keep reading considering she is obviously upset that she wasn't validated. Still though, OP:
It doesn't matter why you did it. It doesn't matter why he did it. You are both wrong. You shouldn't do it in the first place, and he doesn't get to do it back. He's being childish about not apologizing until you do, but he does have a point that you should apologize. You both need some kind of therapy to learn how to appropriately deal with your anger. Go together as a couple, or go alone, for individual purposes. But go.
You need to get your anger under control. Not only is is clear from your story, but it is clear from your responses to hearing something you don't want to hear from us.
No, your H should not put his hands on you in anger. Ever. But "not hurting him" is not an excuse for you to be able to instigate a physical fight with him, either. There is something seriously wrong with how your ability to communicate with each other, and if you have any hope of keeping your marriage (or, honestly, ever being in a healthy relationship with anyone) you both need to get some relationship counseling ASAP.
This is a grade school lesson: Keep your hands to yourself.