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Jealous SO
When we first started dating, we did the whole getting to know you thing. Ever been married questions, etc. Told stories about our friends, etc. After we'd been intimate for a while I'd tell him things that I liked that turned me on and added to the experience. It never occurred to me that he was not sharing the same kinds of things about his turn-ons, etc.We got in to a fight one time where he pushed me for more details about my dating history, even though I was very uncomfortable with it, I caved.
Fast forward and he is so incredibly irritated that I told him any of these things. He says he wished I had lied to him about all of it and never said anything because he can't get my past out of his head. We're about 2 months from our wedding and recent fights have given me pause to this commitment. We had a fight where he practically called me a whore (well, he implied it). My past was breaking his heart everyday. He said it was something that I had to fix because if I talked about past friends, past experiences, anything past, he immediately thought of me with my exes.
While he agreed to work very hard towards learning how to cope and overcome these issues, he's asked me to not speak of my past. Even asked me to contact my family to make sure they do not have any photos of me with my exes (like from prom). And if they did and would not remove them, I should go destroy them myself. Well, they don't have those pictures up or around but I'm not going to destroy photos that my family has every right to. And now they're trying to talk me out of the relationship.
I can guess what the responses to this would be. To run. I really like to believe that this is something that we can get past given time. He refuses any kind of couples therapy or counseling, even though I have decided I need to go for some anger management issues on my own. I know that these boards do not provide validation, and that is not what I am seeking. I would, however, love to hear if any couples have successfully overcome something like this.
Thanks
Re: Jealous SO
What you have here is an abuser and this is an abusive relationship. It can very easily escalate into physical abuse. Run like HELL.
Once you get somebody who pressures you into doing something and it makes you feel uncomfortable, forget it. I don't care what the topic is that makes you feel uncomforable -- - but once it does, say goodbye to that person.
Somebody who loves you will NEVER make you feel uncomfortable about anything.
This guy is NOT for you and qute frankly, your former sex life is NOT up for judgement.
He's not only not for you, he's not for anybody, period.
This is also not the year 1930. What right has he got to judge you for what you did in your *past*????
You can't get past this; he is already broken.
I just noticed you had a ticker in your sig...you're supposed to MARRY this creep?
Do NOT marry him.
Return the ring, cancel the wedding and tell him this "relationship" is over --- you should have been positively livid that he demanded that your family give him no photos containing you and another male! This is horrific...and these are also your treasured MEMORIES! Is he for real?
RUN indeed is what you should do.
If you think this is bad now, it will only worsen. Do NOT marry this creep. GL.
Thank you for your response. I've always admired your honest responses to people. (and because this is the internet I really hope this doesn't come off as sarcastic or rude. I truly am sincere)
I'm going to agree with all of this. My husband would never ask me to get rid of pictures of me and my exes no matter what they were from. Granted he doesn't want them hanging up somewhere on display but he also understands that these are memories that I have that made me into the woman he loves today. I struggled a little with him having a sexual history (I was a virgin when we started dating) but it was more of a not feeling adequate enough in bed thing than actual jealousy. Loved ones should never make you uncomfortable. When they do that is your body/mind trying to tell you that something is wrong. Follow your gut on these kinds of things! Also, was he a virgin with no past? What right does he have to judge you?
No. I don't believe he was. I know he had one very serious relationship prior (where he moved to another country and learned another language) so I find it hard to believe that there was nothing more intimate going on.
I have been having a hard time with my gut. 90% of the time, it tells me to work really hard, and continue to maintain communication and it will be okay, rocky perhaps, but okay.
So, I assume the consensus is that this would be beyond help even if I could convince him to go?
If you are honestly set on making this work then you definitely need to postpone the wedding. DO NOT become legally tied to this man until you are certain it will work. Do you really want to live the rest of your life on edge in a rocky relationship? It just doesn't sound healthy. If you are going to make it work you both need therapy, individual and couple counciling. He needs to seriously work on his control issues that he seems to have and it sounds like you need to build a little more confidence in yourself. It sounds like you're afraid to leave him and have to start over again. I have a feeling you are stronger than you think and you could do it if you wanted to!
And just to clarify from my other post, I was in no way implying that had he been a virgin that his actions would be ok. I was just trying to see if I could at least understand his feelings of jealousy a little bit.
I don?t think you?re in a healthy relationship. He obviously has obsessive compulsive behavior and it can be very dangerous once you?re married and living together. If he doesn?t want couples counseling and manipulates you in a way that makes you feel guilty, he?s not good for you. Any man that can?t understand we all have a past has issues and is not good for any relationship.
My sister was in a serious relationship with a guy that was exactly what you described above, verbally abusive, manipulative, and far from a saint himself. She ended up leaving him after he actually hit her??
This is also hurtful to you -- these photos are mementos and part of your history! Maybe you would like to show these photos to your kids some day -- the same way our parents showed their photos to us, photos of them when they were about our age.
Don't tarry on this. Love isn't going to fix everything and to be truthful, why love a guy who can't love you unconditionally? He's supposed to accept you as is.
Ludicrous that he wants you to get rid of photos with "other guys" in them; no, egregious is the word that comes to mind here.
Say goodbye --- and nip this in the bud: for your own sake, see a therapist to ensure you do not accept any more damaged goods men and that you do not date any more abusive men. Break this pattern now while the getting is good.
So he pushed you to give details about your sexual past, didn't reciprocate and is now holding it against you? That is a really big red flag. And the fact that he forbids you from talking about your past and asks you to destroy pictures shows he is controlling. I foresee him telling you not to talk to guys and getting jealous if male work colleagues.
And I do know what I'm talking about. I dated a guy like this and it completely destroyed my self esteem. For years. And I missed out on a lot while I was with him. If he's not willing to go to therapy, he doesn't want to change. At the very least, please please postpone the wedding. But honestly I would tell you to run fast. And the fact that your family is against your relationship? It's because they see right through him, and they love you.
Wow, your gut is so far off the mark if it is 90% sure that it will be okay, more like 0%, This guy likes making you feel beneath him and what a friggin martyr he is probably behaving as if you are lucky he still wants you. He doesn't even want to go to therapy on his own and you would have to convince him, that speaks volumes. It is only a matter of time before he calls you a whore, he already thinks it. Let him go because the joke is on him, he is not worthy of you.
You shouldn't have to "work really hard" when you are doing ALL the work to save a relationship. You'll spend the rest of your life with this guy paying for your sins (this is how he perceives your past). Everyday will be walking on egg shells and waiting for him to throw it in your face. Tell Mr Wonderful you decided his lack of a past was so distressful you found him unattractive sexually and to hit the road.
I almost married a guy like this. He was bothered by the fact that I'd been with someone before him. Like, would start crying and saying "I wish you'd waited for me." Despite the fact that I never apologized for having a life before we met, and told him it was his problem, not mine, he blamed me. He started becoming controlling. He had to see me every day. Even if I was at my friend's house, he would stop by and insist on being with me. He didn't want me to go out dancing with a group of my friends without him, but he didn't want to go either (he'd been invited.) He wanted me to stay home with him. He said he was worried I'd get drunk and get carried away on the dance floor (essentially calling me a whore) when he had no reason to think that way. He told me if I loved him, I would consider his feelings and stay home. If I went, I was being selfish and why didn't I love him?
He hated when I mentioned even boys I'd dated in high school, when nothing ever happened with them. He got mad when I made sexual jokes with my friend, even though it was ok for him to do it. He'd cry and ask me why I didn't love him every time we fought or I didn't validate his paranoia. Right before he bought a ring, I broke it off. I just couldn't keep being punished for not being his perfect little virginal dream girl. I was who I was, my past had made me who I was, and if that wasn't good enough for him, it wasn't going to be my problem.
Go to counseling, yes if you think it will help, but please postpone the wedding. Do not tolerate him tearing you down because you love him. He is not acting like he loves you. Love means accepting a person, even if some things annoy you. It's one thing to hate that your SO bites their fingernails or says "like" too often, it's another to forbid them from ever mentioning their lives before they met you. Do not marry him until he can stop treating you like you've done something wrong for having a life before you met. If he can't, please, please do not marry him. You have nothing to apologize for, why would you sign up for a lifetime of being punished?
My brother used to be a super jealous boyfriend, from the time he started dating through his early 20s. He was only able to overcome his jealousy through several years of therapy, where he came to realize that his jealousy stemmed from insecurities due to his abandonment by his father.
This is to say:
1) even if he starts therapy, he may not be ready to get married in 2 months
2) even if you start therapy, you may not be ready to get married in 2 months
3) consider postponing the wedding, at the very least. His requests are absolutely untenable. You can't simply never discuss your past for the rest of your life. You can't expect your family and friends to never mention "that one time..." before you met your FI. You should expect your life partner to appreciate that you had a life full of experiences before you met him, and that all of those experiences lead you to be the person who he wants to be with. So even if you made mistakes (which we all have), he should appreciate that those mistakes made you who you are today.
Best of luck to you
Whoa!
This guys seems NUTS! You can't have pictures from your prom?
Please do yourself a favor and do not marry him! He won't change and obviously is unable to forgive you for your past, even though it has nothing to do with him.
Dude is crazycakes.
You have a past. From what it sounds like, so does he. Really, so does anyone over the age of 18 (well, unless you're a Duggar).
I was married up until two years ago. I now live with my SO, who has never been married. Does he particularly like hearing about XH? No. But he understands that I was with the man for a good five years, so occasionally, it's going to come up. (FTR: It's not a jealousy issue; it's more of a "This man treated the woman I love like utter ***" issue).
SO knows that there are wedding pictures out there (not that I own but that family and friends do). He's never once asked me or my family to ignore that part of my past; we just don't bring it up. Why? Because it's not relevant. We have a firm understanding of 'that was then, this is now.' It's not implied that I'm a whore because I wasn't Virginia McVirgin when I met him.
RUN. This man has serious issues. He's attempting to make you pay for something that was never a 'fault' to begin with. Regardless of what he does, he will make you pay for your perceived sins over and over and over again in whatever way he sees fit. And from what I'm seeing now, that method of payment won't be something you're going to be able to afford.
I have been having a hard time with my gut. 90% of the time, it tells me to work really hard, and continue to maintain communication and it will be okay, rocky perhaps, but okay.
The chances are zero that this relationshipw ill be rocky.
And besides, why are you willing to settle for a rocky relationship???
That's saying quite a bit about you: you're willing to settle for crumbs and the leftovers and to boot the bad crumbs and the bad leftovers.
He won't go to counseling. He'll deny he has a problem -- and I'd go as far as to say that even if you hinted at his going, he might go off like a damn lit M80.
Cancel the wedding and say goodbye to this guy for good -- and get yourself therapy. As i said, break this "chain" while the breaking is good because you can fall into a pattern of dating the same kind of guy over and over and over.
THIS. THIS. ALL OF THIS.
Please, listen to these ladies....run from this a$$hole. Never settle for less than what you deserve and what you deserve is someone who treats you with dignity and respect - not like a piece of crap because you have a past...everyone has a past...it shapes people into who they are...this guy has serious issues and you should drop him like a bad habit...
Just to give you some perspective:
I became involved with my partner at the age of 35. I had lived with 2 of my boyfriends and had had a couple of other serious boyfriends during my previous 17 years in the dating pool. I am friendly with these past lovers of mine, many of them are friends on Facebook. I was a bridesmaid in one of my exes weddings. I have a past and I am not ashamed of it.
My partner is a mature confident man. He refers to my exes as "those idiots who were stupid enough to let me get away". He is not threatened by them or our catch-up-occassionally friendships because he trusts me, he trusts our commitment and he isn't an insecure twit.
Real men don't punish women for their pasts. Hold out for something better. You are worth it.
Yes, the consensus is you should definitely get out of the relationship. Counselling isn't going to help. Especially since you said that you've already brought it up and absolutely refuses.
I've been where you are. It wasn't the exact situation or anything, but it was the same type of behavior. I see so many similarities that there is no question in my mind that you should leave and not look back.
You can't trust your gut instinct right now. The fact that you say you think 90% of the time you think it will work out tells me that he already has his talons in you. If he were the one, there would be no doubt in your mind that he was the one and there wouldn't be any thoughts about it being a rocky relationship. It reminds me of what I always thought in my past relationship - "Life is not a fairy tale." But you know what? No, there is no Prince Charming, but there is a man out there who actually accentuates your best parts instead of breaking you down. When you find that, you won't be thinking in percentages.
Thank you everyone for your heartfelt replies
I really do appreciate the time you all take to give me adviceFirst thing I would do is postpone the wedding. I would not marry him if this is how things are going to be. If you believe this can be fixed with some work...then fix it BEFORE getting married. Him not agreeing to counseling is not a good sign but I would still go alone.
About the photos, he needs to get over this. Your past is your past and it is part of what has formed you into the person you are. We all have parts of our past that are dark and ugly or that we are ashamed of, but if someone in our life cant look beyond our past, then I certainly wouldnt want them in my future.
Do you know what OCD is? He does not have OCD. He has some issues, but this is not one of them that I can tell.
OP - In your case, I'd say that if he refuses counseling, then I would refuse to marry him.
LEAVE.
This is a fast trip to him controlling you in every way once those vows are spoken and saying how you can't hang out with anyone else because you might cheat (since you have shown yourself to be a "wh0re" in his delusional opinion).
Second, he pushed you to say things you didn't want to and then is punishing you. Red flag.
RUN don't walk.