Sex & Romance
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what should I do?
My H has a very unusual.....I guess I will call it a fetish, but it isn't completely sexual. He enjoys wearing my stuff....especially my pantyhose! I knew about it before we married, and he tells me he really can't control this strong desire. He tells me about fantasies about wearing my lengerie while making love to me, but I just can't do it. I want to be supportive because I have watched him struggle with this. He tells me he doesn't want to do this, especially when it means keeping stuff from me. I am just putting this out there to see what you all would do...
Re: what should I do?
A bit too late for this, but before you even considered marrying him, you should have taken into consideration his cross dressing fetish -- and seen a sex therapist and bounced this off him or her.
If you couldn't hack his fetish or were not completely comfortable with it, you could have said goodbye.
See a sex therapist anyway -- and get some counseling from him or her about this. It would be a good idea for him to see one, also. GL.
Communicate with him about it and see a sex therapist... they could help
This is called 'crossdressing' and as fetishes and deviations go it's one of the more common, not to mention less objectional sexual deviations.
If you have a successful marriage in all other ways and he is loving, kind and caring try to reach inside yourself and find some loving sympathy and kindness,.....you might even develop some understanding. The majority of married people feel that their sexlives are their own private matters and keep them inside the bedroom (figuritvely if not physically!)........Try to look at it this way;...at least he's not into bondage or whips and pain, or worse!
By all means seek help from a therapist or psychologist, but, while that's happening, why not talk things over with him and see if you can both work at bringing things together yourselves. Why not have a weekly 'session' for him to fullfill his needs, on the strict understanding that there will also be a similar session another day for you to make love and have sex the way YOU want to too........
..........In this way you can help him, understand him and hopefully draw your sexual characters together eventually.
I would imagine that if the only way he can perform sexually is via crossdressing, (no other way to get it up and then get off unless he's dressed in your lingerie or whatever it is you own) then you will have a problem on your hands.
See a sex therapist, as I suggested; make sure that his fetish is more or less kept in check and doesn't escalate into something overt.
I *think* this is more common than you think. Most crossdressers are straight; he's not gay and he's not *unusual*.
There are women who make the most of their partner's fetish -- they make it a part of foreplay; they help the guys dress up, etc. (I know of a guy who is a crossdresser; I have known him for years and you'd never guess he is *into* that.;)
I didn't see anywhere in the OP where she said her husband wanted to stop doing this. Cross dressing while perhaps non-traditional, is a harmless kink. It does not mean your husband is gay, or wants to be a woman.
I like the ideas of counseling, but honestly, I would not be surprised if your husband does not want to go. Men that cross-dress are very self conscious about their kink and are often worried people will judge them.
There are books and web resources out there designed to offer support for the female spouses of straight male cross dressers. You might find doing some reading helpful to aide you in understanding the why of your husband's kink.
OP, if you have more questions or would like to talk, feel free to message me. This is something that I have to personally deal with in my relationship so I have been there.
I used to date a guy who was a cross-dresser and he was honestly the best lover I've ever had. Dressing up made him feel very sexy and when he felt sexy he made sure I felt sexy. The only problem I ever had with it was that he was prettier than me. Ha!
Honestly, it's just fabric and maybe a little make-up. What is so horrible about that? It's society's gender norms that are telling you it is wrong.
You need to figure out for yourself what you can and can't live with, but you are a little late doing that since you've already married him, don't ya think?
To be honest, I would've never married him from the beginning. You said you knew this before you got married right?
So you either deal with it, as you have been doing,or you leave.
Cross dressing is a harmless fetish, and doesn't hurt anyone. I'm actually a little bit astonished that people are telling you to straight up divorce him over this. wtf people. Sexuality is a fluid thing, and what turns people on does not make them any less of a person, or any less deserving of understanding and respect, especially when its someone you're married to. Even if its something you flat out refuse to indulge, you better tell them you don't love them any less for it.
My bf has things he likes that I'd never even thought of before, and visa versa. With open communication and Easing into it as we're comfortable, we now enjoy each other's kinks. The number one thing is that he needs to know that you don't love him any less even if you're having a hard time understanding his kinks. But the bottom line is you dont have to understand it. It isn't like he's asking YOU to do anything, right? Go buy him some friggin pantyhose and let him go to town. If he trusts you enough to tell you about it, you should be respectful enough to be honest, but willing to learn to at the very LEAST indulge him once in a while.
p.s. That fetish is not unusual. Hell, I think guys who want you to call them "daddy" is more effed up than liking lingerie.
Why am I the only one who thinks that her husband's sexuality is in question?
Husband wants to wear wife's lingerie while having sex. If that's not gay, then what is it? A fetish? I beg to differ. I think he is to in touch with his feminine side.
Good luck OP.
TTC since September 2012
You are obviously not familiar with cross dressers. It is not just gay drag queeens. There is a very sizable number of straight men in straight relationships with women that enjoy dressing up like women. These men would never dream of having sex with another man, and are in no way attracted to men. These men truly love their wives.
Please educate yourself before you assume that all men that cross dress are gay or closeted.
Why do I need to educate myself on cross dressers? I'm no expert and I don't claim to be. I gave my opinion just like everyone else. I can't say that 100% of cross dressers are gay because some may do it as a source of income but her husband feels bad about it which suggests to me that his sexuality may be in question.
TTC since September 2012
So the only ones that aren't closeted gay are the ones that due it for employment? That is not true, very few men actually make money off of cross dressing, even actual drag queens do it as more of a weekend hobby.
Her husband could feel bad about it for many reasons. My initial thought is if your spouse is judging you and/or you are doing something that you know is not your spouse's kink, you might feel bad and want to stop in order to conform to their view of what should or should not happen in the bedroom.
Also, men are brought up from childhood learning how little boys should dress and what they should play with, and what is distinctly for little girls. Men are taught from a young age that it is not normal for them to wear little girl's clothes or want to play with dolls. If a man grows up and realizes that despite all this he actually enjoys wearing women's clothes then he may question why he is enjoying something he is taught is wrong, and may feel shameful and bad about what he is doing.
NurseRobin, the reason you need to be educated is because you're giving advice directly effecting a stranger's marriage on a subject you have no experience in. I'd say that's a good reason.
Anyone that comes on the internet and asks for advice should not be thinking that they are getting advice from experts. We are all here to give our opinions and it's up to the OP to take it or not. So I beg to differ that what I said is "directly effecting a stranger's marriage". I could easily turn it around and say that you should not be telling her that her husband isn't gay, because you don't know that. I said his sexuality would be in question to me. Meaning I would flat out ask my husband if he was gay if he wanted to wear my panty hose and lingerie. You have your opinion and I have mine.
It's also surprising to me that the OP hasn't come back defending her husband saying that he is definitely not gay.
PS- There is also PP that said "Get a divorce" so I am not the only person that feels this way, so why are you guys jumping on me? I don't want to argue with anyone. I just put my opinion out there.
TTC since September 2012
Thank you all for the lively discussion. I have been extremely busy and haven't had a chance to get to the computer until this morning, and....wow!
My husband is NOT gay. He is extremely loving and caring and would NEVER sleep with anyone else, man or woman. He just loves the way womens clothing look and feel while he is wearing them. His biggest love is panty hose. He says he has loved the feel of them on since he was very young.
Thank you for the supportive comments. It is good to know that I am not alone.
To those of you telling me to get a divorce.......NO WAY! That's the problem with this world today, marriage vows mean nothing! I took a vow....BETTER or WORSE...etc. I meant it!
and 90% of statistics are made up. your sources please?