Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help! First "big" newlywed issue.
Hello! My husband and I have been married for almost two months, together for two years and living together for one year. Prior to the wedding, we were saving all of our "extra" money for the wedding. Now that the wedding is over, we're mostly focused on paying off debt. However, shortly before we got married, my husband was promoted and I went from a full time job to a part time job so that I could stay home a little more to take care of the household stuff. This is what we both wanted at the time. Since we've been back from our honeymoon, I've also been trying to "make a home" which has involved some larger purchases. Yesterday we got in a fight because he doesn't see all that I'm getting done on my days off. Instead, what he sees is the one load of laundry that didn't get done or the two plates in the sink. Bottom line; he's upset that I'm not making as much money as I was before, but buying new things. He now "expects the house to look a certain way" (his words) now that I'm not working full time. I feel like I'm working my butt off, both at home and at work, and I don't feel like he should "expect" anything to "look a certain way". He's making me feel like an errant child that should have her allowance taken away for not doing her chores. Does anyone have any insight or advice? Thank you all so much!
Re: Help! First "big" newlywed issue.
Tell Ward Clever as of now that he just can't talk to you like this. And indeed: let him pitch in, too. You can't be expected to do it all.
Even if he puts the wash in the washer, or dusts, or helps do the dishes -- every little bit helps.
It sounds to me like the both of you are a little stuck in the 50's mentality.
Unfortunately for you it wasnt exactly what you thought it would be.
Go back to work full time and tell him to do his own laundry!
Go back to work FT and tell him to clean up after himself.
I know it sounds short/snappy/snarky, but I am serious.
You guys made a "deal", you would cut your hours at work and work more around the house. You did this. He said he doesn't see the benefit. You think your working your ass off. He isn't appreciating your effort. The deal isn't working. Back to the drawing board or back to what was working before.
Why would you waste your time busting your ass to clean up after someone who doesn't appreciate it?
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
This 100%
Well, you HAVE cut back your work hours and your financial contribution and you HAVE been making expensive purchases for the house, and you do have DEBT to pay off. I sense that he is frustrated about the finances. You also both have unexpressed expectations of each other that need to be negotiated to the satisfaction of you both. Start talking without accusations and arguing.
For the financial end of things I recommend reading Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach and doing the exercises at the beginning of the book - they will facilitate some much needed discussions, establish a financial plan that works for you both, and get the debt paid off.
You would also beneift from some counseling and working on communication skills if you are unable to make real changes within the next few months.
Thank you for these ideas! Like most married couples, communication is always a work in progress. Lesson #1: Don't talk about serious things on a empty stomache and with little sleep!
How old are you? Because the bolded comment alone leads me to believe that you are very young/inexperienced or you have unrealistic expectations of the work world. The both of you infact.
Because cutting back your hours/income when you have debt JUST BECAUSE your not working with COOL people is not responsible money management.
And while I know that I am a minority here, but if you purposefully cut back your hours to take care of your house and you are not fulfilling those duties (and it is not like you have a kid to distract you OR make more messes) then like any other JOB (again this is because you CHOSE to take on the household) you open yourself to some critism.
So you either go get yourself a full time job, thus making the household responsibilities equal again or you keep the house up to standards. And yes, I do believe that when someone is working 20 or less (that is 4 hours out of the house people) there shouldnt be a load of laundry lying about or two damn dishes in the sink. When I worked full time, I did not leave dishes in the sink or my laundry around.
First of all, age has nothing to do with this, and I'm not sure it's appropriate to just ask someone their age on these discussion boards. I have a Bachelor's degree and work in my career field for two years, which was miserable for me. So I'm not sure why you think I have unrealistic expectations of the working world, or think the same of my husband in fact. And I didn't take my new job to work with "cool people" like a 19 years old. This was the first job that was offered to me after 6 months of looking for a new job. It is a smaller, locally owned business, not a giant corporation which is what I was trying to get away from. It happened to be just under 40 hours per week, but we talked about it and agree that it would be a better situation than the one I was in at the time. Oddly enough, happiness is more important to some people than money is. Once again, I know that I should be doing more of the chores, as that was the agreement. What I was having issues with was the way he was going about things. I was wondering if I should just not say anything or if I should speak up. And once again, we have talked about it and it's better now, so I'm not sure why you would even put your two cents in after that. Oh, and remind me the next time to give you a gold star for walking on water and not having one dish in the sink while working full time... I guess I'm still striving for perfection in this world :-)
To be honest, if you're only working part time and you did this to "make a home" I can see where he'd be annoyed...If this were me, I would make sure everything was taken care of because that was in my end of the deal and I am a control freak like that...And, again, I'm being brutally honest, if my husband said he was going to work part time and 'make a home' I would expect the exact same thing. Your agreement was to 'make a home' instead of bringing in more money...No offense you sound lazy and immature, stop sleeping late and get things done.
He wants the house to look a certain way because you there's no reason it shouldn't if you are working part time, and YOU AGREED TO IT. Stop being lazy and get sh!t done, or go back to work full time. That way he has nothing to complain about.