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I desperately need help.
I feel like I?m going crazy. I know I?m not crazy, but my husband is making me feel like I am. I?ve never felt so betrayed in my life.
Maybe 8 or 9 months ago, he met this girl at work. They started having lunch together and emailing throughout the day. I wasn?t happy about it, and I addressed that, but he said I had nothing to worry about.
Then they traded phone numbers. I picked up his phone one day and saw he had a text message from her. I opened it up and it was a response of some sort. She had answered some question, but it was the first text in his history. He had deleted who-knows-how-many texts. I freaked out, obviously. I thought he was cheating on me. I confronted him about it, and the best response he could come up with when I asked why he deleted the texts was, ?I don?t know.? I broke down crying and asked if he was cheating on me, and he just laughed and said no. THEN he said he deleted the texts because he had written to her about how I wasn?t a good runner, and he was worried I?d be mad.
So his friendship with the girl started out with a lie, and him hiding texts from me.
As time went on, he was texting her all day. He was also emailing her at work all day. Then he?d come home and get on Gmail chat and chat with her for a good chunk of the evening. He?d also have lunch with her and her family at work (her mom worked there). I asked him to stop talking to her as much?I said he should be spending time with me. He always said he?d cool it down, but he never did.
Then he started dancing with her. Swing dancing is something he and I did when we were first dating and married. He decided he wanted to teach her to dance. So he invited her. I HATED the idea. He knew that, and he didn?t care. He always defended her, saying she was one of his only friends and that he wasn?t attracted to her. She came to our dance club with a friend and they learned to dance. I tried to be her friend?I was nice to her. I gave her dancing lessons and chatted with her between songs.
The texts and emails continued. She never tried befriending me. She never texted or emailed me once. It was always my husband. I freaked out one day and told him he had to end the friendship with her. I told him to just stop texting her and to slowly put space between them. That way it wouldn?t hurt her feelings (at this point, I didn?t have qualms with HER as a person, per se?just that my husband seemed to like her so much.). Instead, he sent her a text saying, ?We can?t be friends anymore. Goodbye.? Obviously she was confused.
So he sent her a copy of the emails between my husband and I on the subject. They were emails that were obviously meant to be private, in which I was upset. He sent them to her as a way of explaining without asking me first. When I found out, I was livid. I made him explain to her what happened, and I sent her a message saying that I was sorry and that my intention wasn?t to be mean.
She told us that she was a lesbian, and therefore had no attraction to him. I laughed a bit, and thought, ?Oh?well that?s not so bad.? My husband was surprised, too. But I thought she?d at least back off. No. Also, she later confessed that she was NOT a lesbian, and had only said that to break up the fight between my husband and I. So yeah...she still likes men.
So their friendship continued. Again, it was texting and emailing all day, chatting at home in the evening. At this point, she knew I had a problem with it, so my excuses for her ended.
My husband began going to this Goth club with her and her friends (something he would never normally do. He?s very much a conservative, almost preppy type of guy). I went once to see what it was like, and I hated it. The girl in question dressed very scandalously?the music was awful (he never listened to that type of music before her). It was just not ?him.?
One day he told me that things at work were very hectic and he wouldn?t be able to email me much anymore. I received maybe two or three emails throughout the day. A couple of weeks later, he left his email open on the computer, and I saw that he?d been emailing her 20-30 times throughout the day. He had time to email her, but not me.
Again. I was livid. But for some reason, I didn?t end it. I begged him to. I begged and pleaded with him to stop talking to her. I told him time and time again how it felt to watch him invest so much in this other woman. He didn?t care. He?d just say, ?I don?t like her that way.?
The last month or so, she seemed to have distanced herself. She was cancelling plans with him and not texting as much. Almost EVERY DAY, he would talk to me about how he didn?t think she wanted to be his friend anymore, and he was visibly agitated and upset by it.
Then on Saturday, he asked if he could go to the Castle with them, and she said, ?Tonight isn?t a good night.? She had a car full of people going, my husband offered to meet them there, and that was her response. That was obviously her way of saying, ?No, you can?t come.? He flipped out about it. He wouldn?t stop talking about what it meant.
On Saturday, I brought up the idea of going dancing at our swing dance club on Sunday night. He said he didn?t know because he had invited this girl to go dancing and he didn?t know what she?d say. So he had his wife saying, ?let?s go out,? and he wouldn?t commit because he was waiting for this girl to respond.
Sunday came, and I kept saying we should go out. She still hadn?t responded, so he was still waiting for her. Finally, her text came. She said she didn?t want to go to the dance club. So he asked her if he could go to her place to dance there. She said yes, and even though I pleaded with him not to go, he went. I will also say that every time he went to her apartment, her roommates were supposedly there. So they were supposedly never alone (but he?s lied to me so many times, I don?t know).
But still, I was livid that he chose to hang out with this girl instead of go dancing with me. We hadn?t been dancing in forever, so it?s not even like we had just done it.
The next day I was still furious. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I sent the girl a text and caused trouble. She responded at first, but then stopped. My husband was angry with me, and wanted to see what I wrote to her, but I told him I?d show him when we got home and talk to him about it then. We were both at work.
I get home and go to pick up his phone. He tried snatching it away from me, so I knew something was wrong. I looked at the texts, and she had sent him everything I wrote to her hours earlier. I asked him about it, and he said that she sent him an email asking if he wanted to see the texts. That was all he said. And when I said that she was a jerk for ?tattling? on me to MY husband, and that she just wanted to get the first word in, he agreed that she should not have done that.
So I sent her a message saying it was wrong of her to do that. She sent one back saying that my husband was the one who asked her for the messages.
Obviously, I was pissed. He?d lied to me, and I?d sent this girl a message based on that lie. So I ended up looking like a fool. When I showed him her message, he back-pedaled and denied everything he said. He started changing things, saying that he never agreed that it was wrong of her, and that he told me he messaged her first, etc. I couldn?t believe it. I really couldn?t. He had lied to stay out of trouble, and then made ME look like the crazy one when I found out.
We got into a huge blowout and I called him some bad names (I shouldn?t have). It was horrible. I tried talking to him later, but he still refused to admit he did anything wrong.
And he said he couldn?t believe that I didn?t care about what I did, when this whole time, almost the whole last year, he hasn?t cared about my feelings regarding any of it.
This morning he said he didn?t know if he wanted to be married to me anymore. All because of this girl. I don?t know what to do. In so many ways, he?s such a selfish, terrible husband. But I love him. And we have all these plans together. I feel so lost and confused.
Does anyone have any advice?
Re: I desperately need help.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
It shouldn't have gotten so out of hand. He's married, there's no need for him to be emailing, dancing or hanging with another girl. It sounds like he has deep feelings for her and I suggest getting a divorce, getting marriage counseling sounds pointless because he's on her side, not yours. You should have ended things long ago, for you to think roommates where at her place sounds naive - do you think they can't sleep together just because other people are in the house?
I understand it sucks, it does hurt but you'll be better off without him. You're stressed, confused and it's not healthy to be with someone that doesn't love you. I strongly suggest for YOU to see a therapist to help you move forward without this guy.
I honestly don't know how it managed to go on for this long. How old are you two? This sounds more like a boyfriend/girlfriend issue than a husband/wife issue. He is clearly not ready to be in a committed relationship, let alone a marriage. I agree with PP. You have clearly stated that you are NOT okay with his relationship with this girl continuing, and yet you have allowed him to continuously get what he wants without any actual consequences. It's time for you to put your words into action and get the hell out. He doesn't seem to care what you're feeling, since he has blatantly lied to you on more than one occasion, and those are only the times you KNOW about. Call a friend, family member, whoever, pack your stuff, and get out. You deserve better than this.
There is a way out, you just have to take it. He betrayed you. Don't worry about what other people think. You have a job, so you're in a good spot. Don't let the fear of the unknown keep you from doing what is best for you. GL!
We're 24. Before we got married, he really seemed mature and responsible. He said he wanted all the same things that I did. We've been married two years now, and I realize he had played a part really well. Once the knot was tied, he seemed more like a teenager that wanted me to be his mom. I've always been mature for my age. I thought he was, too.
Everyone's advice here seems to be the same. You're right...the fear is what's keeping me here. I'm really scared of life without the security of companionship. If he fails everywhere else, he at least keeps me company and gives me something to work toward. Thank you for your kind words.
Marriage is hard work. However, this is a total deal breaker. I left my xH when I was a little younger than you and it was the scariest thing I've ever done. He was like your H - didn't want any responsibility, and wasn't ready to be an adult. I took our 2 year old DD and I left. I had my parents and my sister, but I was alone in my new place most of the time. I was terrified. BUT, I wear that period of my life with great pride, because I knew I was better than what he was able to give me.
I encourage you to do your research, get your financials in order, and find your own place. I'd talk to your leasing office/landlord or whatever if you're renting and explain the situation. Feel free to PM me if you need any additional help/advice on how to go from here if you decide to leave. I know it's scary, but you owe it to yourself to find a true partner who will respect you and your feelings. It sucks, but your H is not looking out for your best interests, he's looking out for himself and his wants.
So his friendship with the girl started out with a lie, and him hiding texts from me.
So that means you should have said goodbye to him there and then. Who needs a liar and particularly you do not need a liar who has lied about his contact with another woman.
This is an affair --- yep, even if he is "only" texting her and spending a questionable amount of time with her. Show him the door. I also would not doubt if he was sleeping with her.
He gives you nothing to work towards. He is going to leave you or is manipulating you into forgetting about this woman (b/c maybe she is over him) until he finds someone else. You do realize that when he first tried to end it that they both lied to you. They were manipulating you into thinking their relationship was legit. Even if she was gay, the relationship was still inappropriate. Married men do not spend as much time thinking, talking and seeing other people of any gender.
He has you exactly where he wants you, he didn't even have to hide this woman from you. He knows you're there in the wife role and this other person is there in the fun girlfriend/sex role. Why change what is working for him? Save yourself years of wasting your life and possible kids in the mix and leave now. I don't say that lightly but this man is cheating on your and doing so in your face. He is not sorry and is flipping this on you. He has lied, cheated and disregarded your feelings at every turn.
Again, even if you don't leave tomorrow be prepared. Figure out a plan so that you can when you are ready. Go get tested, if he isn't using protection and she is with other guys you could have something. Seek professional help and figure out why you need a man in your life to feel whole. Build your confidence and stop waiting for him to change. FWIW this isn't about her and contacting her shows your immaturity or desire to blame someone besides your DH. His actions and words spoke loud and clear, do not ignore that.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I would have been gone A LONG time ago. This is unacceptable in so many ways in my eyes. How dare he treat you this way! He chose her over you so many times in this one blog that I'm mentally divorcing him for you.
I really hope you come to terms with the fact that this man is not good enough for you. Any one who can put up with that much crap and still say they love the guy deserves someone who will love them 10x more back. I'm really not a huge divorce fan but I would never put myself through what you have been through.
TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
~Started acupuncture in May 2014~
~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
Said he wasn't sure he wanted to stay married to you?
Gee, how magnaminous of him.
You know what is going to happen: he's got her waiting in the wings and has been for a long time.
And screw the plans you have together. This guy's not worth your big toe.
First I am so sorry you are dealing with this. There is no way to deny he is not cheating on you. If he has not physically done so he is def. emotionally involved with this woman. She sounds like the worst kind of home wrecker. She does not seem to have much self respect either. She is claiming to be a lesbian so she can continue being around your husband!
Do not invest any more time into this man. It will only hit you in the face later. He will never be companionship for you. He already leaves you to fend for yourself. It will only get worse. He does not seem to consider you a companion.
I am truly sorry for your situation. I think you are ready to take a step forward.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Please listen to me, I had almost the exact thing happen with my ex-fianc?.
I stayed with him for almost a month after he tried to break up with me on Christmas Eve. We were living together, invested in each other's lives and plans, attending university together, and I didn't want to let go of that.
I kept begging him to stop talking to her, sent her Facebook and text messages, and checked his phone, he contacted her behind my back...it got pretty bad.
Now, a few years later, I'm married to the best man I could ask for, who understands and appreciates me better than my ex ever could.
Dont stay. You'll regret it.
I can say from my experience, I can't imagine having stayed with my ex, now that I have my now-husband.
You DO deserve better.
2. Like PP mentioned, if you rent contact your landlord. You do not have to go into any detail, other than you will be moving out.
3. Contact any bills that are in your name, if he is a cosigner. You don't want him to eff anything up.
4. If your job allows, consider taking a day off to pack. Or, a weekend/evening that you know your H will not be home. You want to gather your belongings in peace.
5. If your relatives/friends have storage space, ask to keep some stuff there until you figure out what you're going to do. Or rent a storage unit.
6. If you're limited on time when moving, move the "important" stuff first, in case a fight breaks out and you don't come back for a few days. (i.e. toiletries, at least a week of clothes, any electronics, and important documents - like passport or birth certifcate).
7. Change any passwords that your H may know. Or just change them all.
8. Seek refuge: Whether you choose to confide in a higher power, a friend/relative, or counselor, it will help you talk to someone.
9. Save all contact with your H: All texts, emails, voicemails, in case they need to be used in court. He's a liar, and he may try to pull something.
10. Keep your head up! This is tough, and nobody plans on this happening to them. You deserve much better. Don't let any of his lies fool you. You are bigger than that. Move on - something better is waiting!
You are all amazing. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
I called the pastor who married us for counseling. He'll be speaking with my husband, and then I assume we'll be meeting soon to have counseling sessions. I guess I'm going to see how counseling goes. If he truly doesn't want to work on things after that, I'll be done.
Part of me wonders if he's being so outrageous because he wants me to leave him...like he's too cowardly to leave me himself. I just don't see how anyone can deny they've done anything wrong in a situation like that.
Best of luck to you. And regarding the bold part: That's why you should save every conversation between you two so he doesn't try to convince people you're the one who cheated or you are the problem, etc. I'm sorry for your situation.
If the pastor doesn't suggest STD tests and a trial separation, you should look for a different counselor. There is no doubt in my mind that your husband is f*cking this girl and has been for some time.
Look, sometimes affairs are forgiven. But for that to happen, the cheater has to confess and want forgiveness. Everything in your post suggests your husband thinks he can continue to lie and keep his piece on the side. He doesn't want to change. He doesn't want to give her up. He could change his tune when you start divorce proceedings or at least move out/kick him out. Or he could continue to be a lying, cheating a-hole.
He doesn't love you. Don't you get that? He just plain doesn't want you, and wants this other woman instead.
Why are you even bothering trying to keep him? He treats you like crap. Is he rich or something?
I was on the lease of our apartment, but was a student, and jobless. When we broke up, I had to move back in with my family because I simply couldn't afford the apartment on my own, though he offered it to me.
I wish I'd been more prepared in that regard.
Are you serious? HOW have you put up with all this from him for so long?
He does not care about you or how you feel (which you clearly state yourself). You deserve better. Dump his lame ass ASAP.
I'm sorry but all I get from reading this is that your husband is a total asshat. His girlfriend apparently just dumped him and you should do the same. And like PPs suggested, get to a doctor and get tested ASAP.
I'm sorry he's such a jerk.
I want to know about the first three lines in your OP. Let me take a wild guess that he is calling you crazy and acting like you are making a bigger deal than this is. The worst thing about being cheated on or being told you are a certain way over and over is the blow to your self esteem and confidence. You need to find your inner strength and divorce him. But first I think going to counseling by your self would be a great thing for you. After you go and get an STD test of course.
You know he is cheating physically on some level in your head. I also find it rather convinent that he now is saying that he doesn't want to be married after his "friend" has started to pull back. To me it sounds like she is pulling the strings here and has most likely told him to choose between you two. Why, on Gods green earth would you stay with him?!? No one deserves to be treated this way.
You REALLY need more proof that he doesn't want to? Really??
As for the second bolded part, the point is how YOU can still be in a situation like that.
...I have something to say, and please remember I don't mean to offend anyone's religious beliefs.
I think that a pastor instead of a non-religious marriage counselor is a bad idea.
From my perspective, religions that contain beliefs that encourage women to submit are wrong. Both partners need free choice in marriage. You should be allowed to feel how you feel.
Also, there's a lot of emphasis forgiveness- which is usually a good thing, but could be used wrongly, for instance if you were encouraged to forgive this man instead of leaving him, when you truly wanted to go.
Just my 2 cents. I'd feel that the scale was tipped against me going into a religious marriage counseling session.
If you feel that the things I said aren't an issue, then I'm sorry for interfering.
I know not everyone who has a religious belief adheres to it in the same way.
this. There is no way you should last one day longer with him. He has clearly been cheating on you. An the saddest part is you have had access to all the evidence and continued to be on denial. I know it sucks but the faster you start moving on the better it will be for you. Good luck!!
I agree with kuus. What more does he have to do to show you he doesn't want to be with you? At the least he is having an emotional affair, although I would be shocked if he wasn't sleeping with her. He puts her before you, he doesn't care about your feelings. Why at 24 are you so desperate that you would settle for someone who makes you feel horrible about yourself? Why chase someone who shows you and tells you he doesn't want to be married to you?
Get individual counseling to figure out why you think so little of yourself as to put up with this.