Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Frustrated...
My boyfriend of almost 4 years and I have had a really good sex life, averaging about 4-6 times a week if not more. We recently bought a house and I have noticed that I have to try really hard for him to want to have sex and I'm always the initiator. Now we might do it 3 times a week at the most. His body parts will be ready to go but we doesn't do anything...it is so frustrating!!! I have mentioned it to him that it makes me feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore and he apologizes and says he was tired. I get so frustrated to the point of tears, not infront of him because I don't want him to offend him or make him feel bad. Today after it happened for the 4th day/night in a row, he could tell I was frustrated. I told him that I was frustrated and that I don't know what else to do that I never felt like this when we weren't living together, but I apologized for being frustrated over sex (i don't want him to think thats all I'm interested in). His response was that he doesn't take it personally and that he has other responsibilities around the house so his mind isn't on it as much. I do take it personally, it defeats my self esteem and don't know what else to do. Any thoughts??
Re: Frustrated...
So his body is saying yes but you get a big fat no from him.
And his response was what???
His response was that he doesn't take it personally and that he has other responsibilities around the house so his mind isn't on it as much.
I am not buying this. Nor should you.
What you need to do:
Sit down with him and have a good long talk with him about this -- and stress that you need to have him more or less cut the excuses and get to business (but not in those words).
He's your committed partner. His goal is to ensure you are happy and that is in every department of your commitment, including the bedroom.
If he won't ante up and the excuses keep coming, rethink this guy.
You did not sign on to a committed relationship to get a diminishing allotment of sex.
(this is going to be all the more difficult now that you and he have jointly held property --- it's never a good idea, IMO, to buy a home together, unless you're married and your marriage has a couple of years of "legs" behind it)
I think you're being ever so slightly harsh about this one Tarpy........
This man was "committed" enough to last 4 years and to get involved in buying a house with his lover,.......Now things are not working quite as well and it needs some combined sorting out.....
Communication is key. The OP needs to help him to talk about why things are cooling off at the moment and what can be done to get their relationship back to where it was.
ALL relationships go thru their 'ups and downs' and this is probably no different,....also, being in a committed realtionship is NOT grounds for forcing one or other partner to keep an unnatural pace in ANY area of life,.....The OP is NOT in a position of just demanding to be provided with a firm erection every night 'as usual'.......
So, perhaps the right way forward is to talk to him as a friend and partner ( far away from the bedroom) and get him to really open up about whats going on in their relationship and why he is now suddenly hesitant when they have put their relationship on a more formal footing. perhaps it's TOO formal a footing,...some partnerships work much better with some distance to keep things fresh and he would not be the first, or last, man to discover that living shoulder to shoulder with a woman is not always as wonderful as it might have intially seemed.
Some men are excellent boyfriend material but less good as husbands,...just an observation.
I know that when DH and I have to go into our savings for an unexpected reason, DH doesn't want to have sex as much. I would ask him what's going on and he would say the same thing your boyfriend said. When our situation is resolved, things go back to normal.
If your boyfriend says that the extra responsibilities is the reason, then I would believe him, unless your gut is telling you something different.
TTC since September 2012
Maybe he also has some other things going on health wise. I went from being very active in all parts of my life to in about 3 weeks time I was tired a lot more. I would still physically want things, like sex, but I could not get the rest of me interested because I was soooo tired. Turns out I had developed hypothyroidism which can cause depression and some crazy fatigue/exhaustion. But, like I said, my body would be ready, but I just couldn't get interest to do something about it.
So, perhaps there is a lot on his plate and it's spilling over. Perhaps he's hit a point in the relationship where he feels that's okay. You said you've cooled down to 3 times a week after 4 years. I'd say that's within a normal frequency still, right? Lots of factors can take a toll on libido. Like PP said, talk about it, away from the bedroom, and don't be accusatory. Don't place blame or point fingers. Tell him why it concerns you in a calm way, that it makes you feel frustrated or bad, and see what can be done to remedy the situation. I certainly don't think it's grounds to dump a person over.