Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband/In-Law trouble.
Hello,
My husband and I are doing the long distance thing right now because I am finishing up school (I couldn't transfer) and he got a job 150 miles away. When I go visit him his family always seems to find out and they join us. Basically we have had 1 weekend alone, meaning 2 days and a night, in the past year. I was able to pull it of by surprising my husband that I was going to visit him. They even spent our first wedding anniversary with us...When people found out we had spent the weekend together, meaning his family, we were met with eye-rolls and even an "aaww, I would have loved to do that".
I have a "broken family" so I have always had to rotate years of holidays, last year we were with his family, this year we are with my dad, next year my mom and so on for Thanksgiving. His parents are upset by this, and they have decided to just now voice this after we have been together for 6 years! So they found out that after we go visit my dad, since I will be half way to my husband, I am going to go back to my Husbands house. I just found out today that they have decided that they will also spend the weekend at our house. I have expressed to my husband in the passed that we are never alone and he tried to pull the "as long as I am with you, I am happy". But what I can't get through to him is that we are living in a LONG distance relationship. We NEED time to be alone and do our own things like 'NORMAL" couples do. Unlike "normal" couples, we don't get to go home at night and see each other. We don't get to have regular dinners or talks alone together. His family is ALWAYS there. I feel like I don't have the ground to stand on to tell his family to back off and that we need our alone time, more then just a few hours after everyone goes to bed. But I have no idea how to approach this with anyone as my husband and I always seem to end up fighting and not talking to each other. I feel like his family doesn't respect our relationship. Any suggestions?
Re: Husband/In-Law trouble.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't feel that I should be the one telling HIS family that they can't come over ALL the time. BTW, they don't live near our place, they have to travel to get there.
That being said, how do I convince my husband that there is a problem? I have tried and he always gets defensive. Its almost like he knows that there is a problem but doesn't want to admit it. I'm not saying they are NEVER welcome, I'm just saying not all the time.
I understand that it is his family so ideally he should be the one to talk to them, but it's your home too... worst case scenario I don't see a problem with you telling them you need a break from all the visiting.
Why does your H feel compelled to tell his family of your every move? That's a bit absurd. More than his family disrespecting you, I'd say your H is. It's your home and you need to be asked whether you'd like to have company or not, IMO.
I think bulgari brings up a good point. Your DH isn't respecting you. I'd tell your DH this is your home too, you want time at home and w him w/o other people around. You like his family and this isn't about THEM, BUT it will become about them if he doesn't stop inviting them over. You will start to resent them. Because of HIM. If that's what he wants, then keep having them there all the time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why do they need to know, period?
Your H has a little problem with confidentiality and keeping his mouth shut. Here is where this is an H problem; he's got to cut this out.
if your dh doesnt tell them they wont know you're coming.
your dh has to learn to keep his mouth shut about your visits and also needs to learn to tell them no when they want to join you.
Tell your husband that since he will be entertaining his family, you'll be going back to school after visiting your dad's house. You wanted some alone time with him, but since that isn't possible, you've decided to go back and get some work done. If he wants to spend time with you, he'll have to travel to your school.
Put some consequences to your H being a blabbermouth.
I can totally relate. My husband and I had similar challenges while we were dating. It took several conversations (and let's be honest... a few arguments) to convey to him the importance of alone time, and not feeling like I was always second place to his mom. Ultimately, the most effective approach was to first acknowledge how grateful I am for his relationship with her, because his respect for women and for family is evident, and that is something I value; second, it is really important to me to have a good relationship with his family, and so he should be the one to help set boundaries and expectations... after all, she loves him unconditionally, where as I am an outsider; and lastly, I am so excited to start our own traditions, and that the holidays are a great opportunity to blend both sides of the family. It makes the most sense to embrace some of his family's traditions, some of mine, and then start a few new traditions of our own.
Actually, we JUST had to deal with a Thanksgiving issue, and ultimately, because my husband and I have had an agreement to support each other on the in-law issues for a few years now, my husband stepped up and told his own mom to check her attitude in relinquishing some of the holiday hosting responsibilities. I was all stressed out for no reason, and thought I was going to have to handle it, or forsake our plans to appease my MIL, but he handled it on his own! Gotta love husbands!
because my husband and I have had an agreement to support each other on the in-law issues for a few years now,
that agreement should be in place for everything-not just inlaws.