Trouble in Paradise
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Husband cheated a year ago....
Hey, I'm relatively new. I signed up for sites like this when I was still on the post-engagement high. Anyway, about this time last year, I found out that my husband of not even one year had been having "cyber affairs" I guess. He would go on dating sites, get women's numbers and talk/text with them and exchange photos. There were two in particular that REALLY bugged me: one was an old friend of his who knew he was married but still exchanged raunchy messages with, and another was a girl about 5 1/2 hours away who he met through a secret fb account he made. This girl was basically his girlfriend: they'd talk, call each other, send each other good morning/night texts and call each other babe/baby whatever. Anyway, I ended up giving him a second chance on some conditions, we got some counseling, and he begged forgiveness and such. However, I'm still not over it. It still hurts so bad that I get so pissed off at him that I don't want him to touch me. I don't know how to get past this. I think about it (like now) and I feel like crying...help?
Re: Husband cheated a year ago....
Hey, I'm relatively new. I signed up for sites like this when I was still on the post-engagement high. Anyway, about this time last year, I found out that my husband of not even one year had been having "cyber affairs" I guess.
When you found out about this a year ago, you should have shown him the door and had your marriage annulled. An affair is an affair; it need not involve intercourse. This is inappropriate behavior and a happily married man will not be exhbiting this kind of behavior.
A man who wants to stay married also will not be out chatting up other women inappropriately.
I will also bet that he's been doing this long before your marriage began.
He would go on dating sites, get women's numbers and talk/text with them and exchange photos. There were two in particular that REALLY bugged me: one was an old friend of his who knew he was married but still exchanged raunchy messages with
Really? I see he is a man of integrity, too: a married woman...
, and another was a girl about 5 1/2 hours away who he met through a secret fb account he made.
More signs of a man of integrity.
This girl was basically his girlfriend: they'd talk, call each other, send each other good morning/night texts and call each other babe/baby whatever.
Basically his girlfriend? What happened to YOU being basically his newlywed wife?
Anyway, I ended up giving him a second chance on some conditions, we got some counseling, and he begged forgiveness and such. However, I'm still not over it. It still hurts so bad that I get so pissed off at him that I don't want him to touch me. I don't know how to get past this. I think about it (like now) and I feel like crying...help?
You can still show him the door -- remember, once a cheater, always a cheater. Very doubtful he's quit his other women cold turkey.
If you still are interested in staying with him (and I don't know why you'd have a valid reason to continue being married to him --- he's shown you in so many ways that he does not wish to be married and that he wants to be a single man with no commitment attached) there is a site called survivingfidelity.com --- you might want to check into it.
If you're religious, consult your clergyperson -- and counseling for you is a must; go alone. You need closure on this.
And what did your H do after he begged your forgiveness? Did he account for the reasons why he chose to contact other women while he is married to you?
You will have no assurance that he is not having affairs. And you have less assurance than that that he hasn't had intercourse with these women he has contacted.
He can keep on signing up for FB and use an alias to contact and stay in touch with anybody he wishes to; he could get another cell phone for that purpose, one you know nothing of. He could be at an internet cafe or elsewhere, contacting these women he finds on the web -- again, you have no assurance none of this is happening.
You'll walk on eggs around this guy, wondering what he'll be up to at any given moment -- is this how you want to live your life? I think not.
Why are you staying with him? Because you think he'll stop doing what he's doing and be a devoted husband? is it embarrasment -- yu don't want to admit failure (NONE of this is your fault; it is his, one trillion percent) and have to call it quits and explain this or that to your parents, friends, etc? Bullshit --- you can get the marriage annuled/dissolved and why is NONE of anybody's business but your own.
And consider you are at risk for STDs. Again, you have no assurance he hasn't had intercouse with who he has met.
And consider the utter void of respect for YOU. He took a vow to love and cherish and forsake all others --- wow, he sure failed big time on that one. Why did this jerkoff waste YOUR time by marrying YOU?
My advice to you:
It isn't too late to put yourself first and end this nonsense of being married to a cheater: Get rid of him and do it now.
Get your financial ducks in a row, protect your assets and contact an attorney -- don't tell him you are doing this ---see if you can have the marriage annulled vs. divorce -- and when all is ready, file. And let him pay the fees and all costs incurred; why should you have to pay for a divorce that isn't at all your fault?
You would also be wise to run a credit check on yourself and on him. Who knows what else he's up to?
Wishing you luck; the main thing is that you put yourself first.
Further evidence he is a piece of sh!t -- that is, if this is what your current H has done to you:
Leave. I went/am going through the same thing. Fell completely and utterly in love despite his jealousy, and I always told myself that if I could prove to him that I would never cheat on him, everything would be perfect. When it was great, it was amazing. When he would have his bouts of insecurities, however, it was terrible. Me trying to prove myself to him turned into him manipulating my social lives and all of my guy friends from my CHILDHOOD suddenly had to go. I was in love so I put up with it. At 3 months, I found out he was on various dating sites, and almost ended it, but he convinced me he would change. I found out that the reason he had insecurities about me was because he was off doing it himself. Not worth it, girl. Too much pain, heartbreak, and tears. Oh, and after every fight we would have, it was the same: him saying things would change, he would do this or that to make us work, that the worst thing in his life would be to lose me, and we would do counseling or whatever and he'd keep his word...for like a week. And it would start all over again. At three months, it's the "cupcake" phase, so you're so in love and hopeful that you're blinded....
And if this is another guy prior to your H, you can see where this is at: you have a history of relationships with what pretty much are destructive men.
AND if this is your H, you need to run like hell. What you've got here is control and abuse. That makes his infidelity pale in comparison.
Any type of abuse is an automatic dealbreaker.
Leave. And do it now.
Consider too that if you stay with him, your self worth and self esteem will be bankrupted -- if not right away, very slowly over time. Is this what you want for your future? Doubt that you do.
~Tarpon~ I mostly agree with the advice you give, but out of curiosity, is there a reason why you throw the divorce card so quickly?
I have known of multiple marriages that have dealt with infidelity and have been successful. I believe that every situation is different. What happen to for better or for worse? Spouses don't deserve a second chance at the very least? Just curious.
OP- I am sure you are hurting still, but if you decided to give your husband a second chance and he has not done anything for you to think that he is cheating, I think you should continue to stay and work things through. If you have a moment of hurt and want to cry thinking about it, then cry, talk to him, etc..... I think what you are feeling is normal and it may take time for the pain to die down.
Good luck.
TTC since September 2012
Can I ask, have you been cheated on by your spouse before?? I ask because if you've never been in this position you really don't understand what this feels like. My ex-husband cheated and in my opinion that is immediate reason for divorce. There is NO REASON and I mean NONE to cheat on your spouse...I don't care how bad things are in a marriage...NO REASON!!!!!!!! If you had friends that made it through cheating, great. That is Tarpon's opinion and I must say that I agree 100% with it. Cheating is completely unacceptable...completely (in my book). Once the trust has been broken, so is the relationship...of course, this is my opinion. So OP, if you are still having a hard time with this...then you really need to think about separating for good. You don't want to live the rest of your life wondering constantly...that is NOT fair and something you do NOT deserve. Good luck!
Why did I throw the divorce card?
Because adultery -- and abuse ----is a dealbreaker.
And compounding this issue is the fact that the worm did this while they were newlywed! Is this somebody who is showing his wife he honors their marriage vow and committment to each other? NO --- this is somebody who did not want to get married for the right reasons.
Who knows why he did it? Maybe it was what came next, families expected it or he wanted some sort of security and a home. Maybe he did it because "all of my buddies are married and so are all her friends so we don't want to be the old maids in the bunch." Maybe there was peer/parental pressure -- who knows why he chose to marry her when he did??
Only he can tell us why he chose to marry somebody and not marry that person for the right reasons: he only wants to be with his wife and he can't wait to live life only with her.
There is a nearly identical post a bit down; same scenario as the OP in this thread. Not even married a year and this other jerk has a whole harem of women lined up!
I can't figure out why these guys even want to get married when they know for a fact that they will be more or less retaining a single guy status after marriege. Fine way to waste his wife's time and fine way to denigrate his wife. Azzholes like these need to be hung by whatever you want to hang them by.|
Not to mention their relaitonship is just unhelathy and abnormal -- constantly fighting? and he's controlling and that constitutes ABUSE! This is whre you run like hell! It slays me that the OP thought she ditched her guy friends out of love -- wow, here's where the OP really needs a therapist. Instead of ditching this creep, she went ahead and complied with his demand!
You don't give adulterers and abusers and cotnrolling spouses a second chance. Out of the question --- and it's apparent that this is a relationship that sholdn't have happened, let alone a marriage that shouldn't have happened.
OP: any hard copy evididence, keep and store in a safe place, preferably a safe deposit box. Document like hell; you'll need it for the attorney. And do look into getting an annulment versus a divorce. He was doing this not even 3 months into your marriage and that constitutes fraud. Fraud is basis for an annulment. GL.
I agree with what Tarpon commented.
If you've been to counseling and it still hurts so bad, I suggest separating. You tried, you can't get over it, why stay with someone if you're not happy?
If 'through better or for worse' is interpreted by some as 'forgive cheating' that's their choice but that's not what it means to the majority of married couples.
And isn't it funny how the azzhole who demanded that the OP get rid of all of her guy friends has a whole contingency of women lined up for himself!
This is like that ole expression that the Frrench have: he who says don't look behind the door has something to hide himself.
So much for a relationship he's built on love and trust.
This guy is a prize sh!thead. And this relationship never had a leg to stand on. There is nothing here to save. The faster the OP is done with this guy and legally dissolves this marriage the better off she will be.
And a therapist is a must for the OP: she needs to find out why she found it acceptable to date this piece of trash and why she thought a horrifically unhealthy relationship was okay to pursue. Learn your lesson the hard way and as tough as it sounds, cut your losses and go.
Nip this behavior in the bud with a therapist's intervention so that you do not repeat the entire mess over and over again. Even if you say goodbye and divorce this jerk, I will guarantee you that you'll get invloved with the same kind of garbage over and over again -- unless you start seeing a therapist now.
If cheating one time is a cause for divorce for you, then that's ok. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind, I just wanted to understand why one feels like that. The OP forgave her husband and decided to stay, so why would I tell her to divorce her husband just because she was having a flash back. I agree with you that it's not fair that she has to go through this, but sometimes life throws you curve balls.
To answer your question, my spouse has never cheated on me, but I have been cheated on before by an ex fiance. I left him. I wasn't married to him. I trust my husband and I believe in my heart that he would never cheat on me, however, if he did, I'm not leaving him. I can't. Divorce is not an option for me. I also believe that there is a difference between a cheater and someone that has cheated. I'm not trying to push my beliefs on you or anyone else, I just wanted to hear different thoughts on the subject.
PS- What did the vows "for better or for worse" and "till death do you part" mean to you? (Seriously asking, not trying to be a smarty pants)
ETA- I do believe that the OP's husband is a jerk and she shouldn't have married the guy. He didn't just make a mistake, he is a down right cheater and looser. It's just that she decided to stay and try to work it out and I'm not going to tell a married woman not to. I don't know her or husband well enough.
TTC since September 2012
That is the thing, the OP hasn't forgiven her H. She has given it a year and can't move past it, I agree divorce is coming. OP, divorce him, get counseling and find a happier life.
Well I have to ask then, what about abuse ? Couldn't that fall under the umbrella of "For better or worse " and yes I have known people who use this phrase to justify staying in an abusive relationship. Would you stay in a marriage where you were abused? What if your husband was an alcoholic or drug abuser or compulsive gambler ? Would that also fall under " For better or worse ?" Would divorce be an option then ? Like TM, I see no difference between abuse, adultery or addiction or as others have said "The three As"
I have known several people that stayed in marriages where the spouse cheated and it never worked out. That spouse continued to cheat and the people that stayed were exposed to God knows what kind of diseases, let alone making themselves crazy over the cheating happening again. In those cases, thye acutally could have avoided a lot of heartbreak and misery if they left when the adultery started and hopefully went on to find someone who did love, respect and admire them.
The Three As indeed.
The trust is gone. Once that happens, it's useless to pursue anything with the person who decimated the trust. Life with that person will never be the same again --- as i said, you'll spend your time walking on eggs around him and sitting under one hell of a sword of Damocles, wondering Is he or isn't he?
And his behavior will bankrupt any self esteem and self worth you've got. It might happen slowly or it might happen quickly and you will also wind up despising him bitterly, thanks to his behavior.
I cannot see staying with somebody who has made it exceedingly clear that he wants no part of you. There's nothing to pursue and certainly there is nothing to love.
Thank God that there are no kids in this picture --- just think what life with this creep will be like if your kids were exposed to his toxicity. Even if they're very young they will know that something is horrifically amiss between their parents -- and life with a "father" like that one will give them the wrong message regarding what a marriage dynamic is like.
Speak to an attorney and see if he advises an annulment or a divorce and then proceed from there. And indeed make it part of the divorce settlement that he is to pay your retainer and all legal fees incurred; as I said, why should you pay for a legal dissolution of a marriage where the reason for dissolution is his fault one trillion percent?
There is NO REASON and I mean NONE to cheat on your spouse...I don't care how bad things are in a marriage...NO REASON!!!!!!!!
And if indeed things are bad in the marriage, then be a gentleman, announce you want out and then do things civilly and like a full grown decent adult.
Who knows why these guys cheat? We've heard it a trillion and ten times that "oh its because they aren't getting what they need in a marriage blah blah" -- I say the jury is out on that one. Maybe it's a power trip or this sick kick of "I'm fooling around and only I know about it" or the "nobody knows but us" bullshit -- who knows?
I do know this: if he was not serious about 100% committing himself legally and physically and emotionally to a lifetime bond with a wife then he should have stayed frigging single. Who got hurt? His wife. Yep, he went out and did it (begged for forgiveness my ass -- he knew full well what he was doing when he started this garbage) and he didn't care.
He's been good to me, taking care of me when i need it, especially supportng me when i go through a bad night when I think too much about my miscarriage.
Gee what a prince. Really, he is.
So he lorded the blame over on you? What a crock of crap; this is immature and a cop out and not to mention pinning the rose on you is going to make you feel like hell. So this is the guy who is good to you.
FFS, you were married 3 months when you found out he was up to no good. Is he going to sit there and tell you that your entire marriage went to such rack and ruin "because you were not there" in 3 months?!
This is a honeymoon period; you and he should be growing closer together, not growing apart! Back then -- and even now --- he should be still screaming from the rooftops that you're finally his wife and he should be rushing home to you at the end of the day, not off with other women and one that was -- uh, how did you put it -- "basically his girlfriend"?
Blaming this discord and his bullshit on you because you were working full time and going to school full time -- he's acting like this is the year 1850. What does he expect you to be doing with your time? sitting home in front of the tv, eating bonbons all day???
And if he had such a problem with you working and going to school fulltime, why didn't he say something to you back then about it, if he was so unhappy about it??? See where this is going? he's full of crap and he knows it.
What a piece of sh!t he is.
This is going to have to be up to you. To me, like I said, adultery and abuse is a dealbreaker -- and what about the controlling part of your relationship? is he going to blame that on you, too, how you were never there?
You'd be wise to say goodbye to him and file. As I said, this is going to ultimately be up to you where to go from here.
Exactly this! I agree 100%.
For me, 'thru the good times and bad' means more like when my husband lost his job temporarily, lost his father and then his mother within 1 month....those to me are bad times and being there for my husband, not 'bad times' meaning cheating and lying. From what I recall, vows also mentioned 'will love and cherish from this day forward' - cheating spouse means they forgot the love and they sure forgot to cherish.....
There's another vow called "forsaking all others." he sure forsaked her big time and how.
And something else that bothers me: his contact of other women "bugged" the OP? She should have been outraged! "Bugged" is when somebody steps on your foot accidentally or when a call you've made gets cut off accidentally by the person you've reached!
It amazes me how much unacceptable and intoleralbe bullshit there is that some women will overlook, gloss over or otherwise brush off.
I'm sorry. That it terrible.
You can take as much blame upon yourself as you want, but the reason you can't get over this is because you know it doesn't matter. He made the decision to seek attention outside of the marriage instead of talking to you about what he needed.
I suggest individual therapy for you. It may well be that you cannot ever get past this. That is okay. He broke a marriage vow. All the other vows start to fall away once the first vow is broken. It doesn't mean you didn't take your vows seriously. It means he did not.
Maybe you can get past it. Without condescension I can admit I would not be able to get past that sort of betrayal. But i know people who have, with alot of therapy, alot of communication and 100% full disclosure. Best of luck, however you go.
ETA- I do believe that the OP's husband is a jerk and she shouldn't have married the guy. He didn't just make a mistake, he is a down right cheater and looser. It's just that she decided to stay and try to work it out and I'm not going to tell a married woman not to. I don't know her or husband well enough.
So according to your "divorce is not an option" rule...she should stay married to the jerk and live the rest of her life in misery because of "for better or for worse". You got to be kidding me! No one ever thinks about divorce when they get married...of course...BUT when something goes wrong and the one spouse completely disrespects the other and strays out of the marriage, I'm sorry but divorce DOES become an option. Your DH is lucky then...he knows that he can screw up as much as he wants and do whatever he wants and you would never leave him. What if someone gets married and a couple years down the line he becomes physically abusive...she should stay in that marriage too? I can't believe the women out there that are door mats...unbelievable!!!
I'm going to answer you. To me, for better for worse means no matter what life throws at you. It does NOT mean that you have to stay when your spouse actively disrespects you. That falls under "love honor and cherish" and "foresaking all others" both vows which the OPs H has violated.
PS, I don't believe there is a difference between a cheater and someone who cheated. A cheater IS someone who had cheated.
I know of a guy (lucky me; it's a relative of mine) who has a history of this nonsense --- he was engaged and called other women while his FI was in the same home; how dandy for the FI.
In another scenario, he's bald face lying to his current girlfriend why pictures of a former flame are still in his apartment and he refuses to take down the photos. If you've guessed he is still seeing the former flame and the current gf, you're right....
And the current gf isn't seeing it for what it is: she's still with the jerk.
To me, this is like some kind of sickness. Only these creeps can tell you why they are married and not long after the I DO is said, there are other women in the picture.
I don't think the spouse of the cheater ever gets over the fact that there was cheating in the relationship. This is why I strongly advised that the sooner he's officially gone from the picture, the better off the OP will be -- the trust issue will screw you and how; even long after he's gone and you start to date other guys, you'll have a hard time trusting them, too.
Do NOT have a child with this guy! Please no kids.
HE broke vows and destroyed trust. He is not going to change. Move on and don't for even a second feel guilty about it. You deserve better.
What you're experiencing is not unusual. For some women and men, the knee jerk reaction to finding out about infidelity is to fix it - you're married and you don't WANT to divorce. Until the day your confirmed the cheating, you thought you weren't going to divorce. And for some, it works. Lots of therapy and lots of transparency, and couples claim their marriage is better than ever.
However, for many women and men, they fight,fight,fight only to realize they don't want to be in the relationship anymore. Perhaps you've changed, or he's changed, and you're just not meant to be anymore. It is not uncommon for the partner who chose to "stick it out" to be the one to file for divorce.
And it's not a failure on your part for not being able to fix it. It's just a realization on your part that you will not be able to be happy in your marriage. It's been a year, if you aren't past it now, you probably aren't going to move past it.
I recommend the surviving infidelity website to chat with people who've dealt with infidelity - some of whom have reconciled and others that have not.
Best of luck!
~STW-77~
To answer your question, if my DH had a drug problem or alcohol problem, NO, I would not think divorce right away. I didn't want to bring religion into a public message board, but due to my religious beliefs and upbringing, I would be there for my DH because I would think he would need me at this time in his life. Me leaving him may make his problem worse. After time and the problem did not seem to get better, yes, I might consider divorce.
Abuse, and constant cheating are reasons for a divorce. I just don't believe that one should divorce the FIRST time your spouse makes a mistake. I would never say till death due us part, if I couldn't forgive my husband ONE time.
Again I say that everyone's situation is different. If OP can't get over it, then she has to do what is best for her and if divorce is best for her, then ok.
TTC since September 2012
Yes, my DH is lucky because he married me
Seriously, my DH has no idea that I wouldn't leave him if he cheated one time. Why would I tell him something like that? I feel that we both took our vows seriously and we both will forsake all others. I'm far from a door mat. Dh is the head of the household and I do submit to him, but I call the shots and he knows it, if that makes any sense to you.
All women that stay with their husbands after cheating aren't door mats and have low self esteem. They might just believe that their marriage can survive the infidelity. For example, DH and I have been together 11 years,let's fast forward 14 years from now and DH cheats. DH and I would have been together for 25 years, hopefully 2-3 kids, and have built a home for our family. Is he wrong for cheating? Of course, but why would I just automatically divorce him and break up my family because He made a mistake? If constant cheating, then yes, but I'm not taking my children from their stable environment just because their father had a lapse in judgement one time. I know most don't agree, but that's nonsense to me when people walk out of their marriage without even trying to see if you can get past it. Some marriages survive cheating and I have heard that after counseling and work, that the marriage is even better. Some marriages can't survive it, then ok, but give it a try at least.
TTC since September 2012
I don't have an "exceptance" of cheating and I have no problems at all with self esteem. I don't think cheating is ok. Please understand that.
This topic started because when I read OPs story, it sounded to me that she wanted to stay in the marriage and was having a flash back or melt down of some sort. I have heard wives tell me that they went through the same thing and it got better and over time, their husbands gained their trust again. I do believe not everyone can do that.I don't have a personal experience with DH cheating on me, but I know couples personally that have survived infidelity, so if OP wanted to stay, I was just confused as why one would tell her to divorce him.
TTC since September 2012
Because it has been a year and she isnt happy.
I am a lot older than you...and i can tell you that there arent too many couples that survive cheating there are very few in fact. i actually do not know of any. I do know of one couple that worked it out and 10 years later he cheated again...that was the end.
I knew of somebody who found our her H was cheating on her. She vowed to lock him out, never see him again, etc -- but she stayed with him.
The affair happened years and years ago. She was a friend of mine and about 10 years ago she and he moved to a very distant locale and I lost touch with her..
OP, you need to talk to your H about how you're feeling. Yea, it's been a year, but it's normal to still feel hurt or confused every once in a while. It could be the move triggering it, or anything else. Maybe you've been feeling disconnected from him and therefore your fears are creeping back in. Whatever it is, the only people that can help are you, your H, and a counselor or clergyperson.
Be honest with yourself and with him. If he's supportive, understanding, and interested in doing what he can to ease your fears, that alone may help reassure you right now. And I second checking out survivinginfidelity.com. GL!
First of all, I'm so so sorry to hear you're going through this. My ex-H cheated on me with our neighbor 6 months before our wedding and it took me a year and a half of marriage to realize I couldn't move past it.
Get to counseling, now. I'd suggest individual and couples counseling, unless you think the relationship is past the point of no return. If that's the case you should probably get yourself a lawyer and file for divorce. If the marriage isn't worth fixing to you, don't waste any more time in it. Regardless, you absolutely need to get to counseling. It's the only way you're going to move past this.