Insensitive sister...

littlemisswitness

DH and I are in the process of buying a home. We put an offer on a 4 bedroom, 3 bath house and I took my sister to go look at it, since she said she was dieing to see it. 

We walk in and the first thing she says is "Do the two of you really need this much space? Four bedrooms? Seriously?" I said "Well, we want to have kids one day and we plan on staying here(in town) for a long time." Then she said "Oh, I thought you said your doctor told you that you can't have kids. Seems like a waste of money, to me, you know, since you will never have any..." And then she went on and on about how she really thinks we're being stupid for getting such a large house when kids are "pretty much impossible" for us to have kids because of "me."

Backstory: I went to the Dr. in February and she told me that because of my low hormones, having a baby(or babies, DH and I have always wanted 2) will be very hard- but not impossible. I told my sister this when it happened and it seems like it's all she wants to talk about. And what really hurt is how she made it sound like it was my fault that we may not be able to have kids. She said "How does {husband} feel about never being able to have kids... because you can't?"

UGH!! It just really ruined my day and is just making me so sad... Just needed to vent...

hesakeeper

What a wench! That'd piss me off, and probably make me cry. 

However, don't let her ignorance get to you. DH and I are on the same page in terms of house-buying. When we do decide to look at houses, we plan to look at houses with a minimum of 3 bedrooms because we don't want a temporary house. We want to fine a HOME where we can raise a family. So many people in America get "stuck" in a house they bought pre-children or with only one child and then their family grew bigger than what their house can comfortably accommodate. It's smart of you to think into the future. 

If you really want kids, and have difficulty conceiving naturally, would you consider adoption? The only way I would "defend" your sister is if you do purchase a 4 bedroom home and then don't end up having kids at all. 

entropicbeauty

Wow, how incredibly insensitive.

 Ignore her - you're completely right in buying a house that fits what you want for the future. I've never really heard of people complaining about "too much" space in their house, but if you bought small and then DID have 1-2 kids, it would feel small and would be a problem. 

WendyGR

sometimes you just need to be honest and say, "why on earth would you say something like that? That's pretty b*tchy, don't you think?" Especially since it's a sister.

littlemisswitness

hesakeeper:

What a wench! That'd piss me off, and probably make me cry. 

However, don't let her ignorance get to you. DH and I are on the same page in terms of house-buying. When we do decide to look at houses, we plan to look at houses with a minimum of 3 bedrooms because we don't want a temporary house. We want to fine a HOME where we can raise a family. So many people in America get "stuck" in a house they bought pre-children or with only one child and then their family grew bigger than what their house can comfortably accommodate. It's smart of you to think into the future. 

If you really want kids, and have difficulty conceiving naturally, would you consider adoption? The only way I would "defend" your sister is if you do purchase a 4 bedroom home and then don't end up having kids at all. 

I would love to adopt, and DH and I have talked about it on multiple occasions. He is not very pro-adoption, because he feels like he wouldn't be a good father to a child that isn't "his." He is worried that he wouldn't be able to love the child... I understand his concerns completely, I am hoping that as time passes (and we find out we definitely can't ever have kids of our own), he would warm up to the idea. If he didn't, I would be fine with it.

hesakeeper

littlemisswitness:

hesakeeper:

If you really want kids, and have difficulty conceiving naturally, would you consider adoption? The only way I would "defend" your sister is if you do purchase a 4 bedroom home and then don't end up having kids at all. 

I would love to adopt, and DH and I have talked about it on multiple occasions. He is not very pro-adoption, because he feels like he wouldn't be a good father to a child that isn't "his." He is worried that he wouldn't be able to love the child... I understand his concerns completely, I am hoping that as time passes (and we find out we definitely can't ever have kids of our own), he would warm up to the idea. If he didn't, I would be fine with it.

I know I'm mentioning this before you have even committed to adopting or having a surrogate, but you could remind him that you can see u/s of your future baby, and be involved in the pregnancy (go to dr. appts, etc.). Besides, his heart will melt when he sees HIS baby for the first time.

jnjmommy0609

Well..how is her living space? Being that I don't know her at all whatever I say after this is just assumption. So take what I say with a grain of salt..to me the woman just sounds crazy jealous of the space you have that you "don't need"

 I would just stop opening myself up to this chick. And if she asks why I would be blunt and tell her you feel like your being judged for things and your sick of it. 

elizabethevenson

You can easily find the relatives like this who are actually incredibly insensitive as your sister, but all you can do is to ignore her and focus on your goal and objective.

RevJen

Quite frankly, it's none of her business what you intend to do with the space.  As long as you and YH can afford it, does it really matter what she thinks?

brij2006

We bought a 4 bedroom victorian 4 years ago, and just got married 3 months ago.  There were many people who commented about the amount of space we have in our home, and how we weren't even married yet, but purchased a home for a larger family. Now that we're married, the comments have become worse about how we need to "fill the space."

 The best way you can handle this is to decorate the home however you would like, and make it into your non-baby home for now. Whenever someone comments about the space, and babies. Just tell them you got a great deal on the house, and you both fell in love with it. They do not need to know your future baby plans, and it is none of their business.

awesomenus1341

Even if you don't end up bringing kids into the house in the future, it's none of her business! My DH and I bought a 4 bedroom house because we want 2 kids eventually, and he already has a son that is with us every other weekend. We wanted all our future kids to be able to have their own space. However, right now, we let my ss pick his bedroom of the 3 smaller ones and are working on getting it decorated up for him (he is 3 and has never ever had his own room). My husband claimed one of the 2 other rooms as his "mancave". I would like a library in the other...or a craft room, or a guest room, or office, or home gym, or about a million other things I can think of to do with the space! If we had the money for it, we would have gotten even more rooms. We are HGTV addicts and are constantly thinking of ways we can turn this into that. In fact, as much as I want kids one day, I hate that whatever we eventually decide to do with those 2 extra rooms will only last a few years before it becomes another kids room. We moved in in June from a 1bdr 1bath apartment to 4bdr 2 bath house and then got married (at the new house) 4 months later so budget-wise we are having to pick one room at a time to get it decorated and how we want it, and I hate the idea of finally getting those 2 rooms done and then converting them into a nursery soon after. If you are able to get a 4bdr house, and still pay all your bills, who cares what you plan to do with space! Maybe she is just jealous, owning your own home is a huge deal that unfortunately is not something everyone gets the opportunity for. Either way, don't let it get to you. What she said was rude and uncalled for, but don't let it ruin the excitement of moving into your house, and enjoy it while it is just the two of you there!

thewhitewall

I'm sorry to hear this.

I never wanted kids until the last couple of / few years (DH always has but wants me to be happy - see my other posts if you want more details), and was told in the summer by ob/gyn if we're planning to have kids we should do it in the next couple of years while my I'm in good shape and everything is working, because of complications she sees coming (a hysterectomy is in my future).

I was telling my sister about it, and how DH has always been so supportive. He's always said if I reach a point where I want kids and we can't have them biologically for some reason, we'll simply look into other options. Adoption would certainly be an option and we're both on board if that time comes.

My sister, not the most sensitive person--but has a PhD, is extremely intelligent, and totally gets me--said she didn't have a maternal instinct in her when she had her kids (she was young, barely 22), so if she didn't have biological children she didn't think she could feel an attachment. I told her I definitely could...then, she said... "Well, you were always bringing home stray cats and dogs and making them your pets, so I guess I can see that you'd form a bond." I was so stunned I didn't even know what to say. I've never heard her say anything I thought completely ridiculous, even when I disagree with her, so I basically just sat and waited for her to say she was kidding, or realize what she was was wrong on so many levels. Never did. That was in June and I still haven't forgotten it. I mean, would she not feel a bond to our children if we adopt?

Sometimes the people who love us the most, even the smartest people, say the dumbest or most insensitive things.

Try not to dwell on it. I say this even though six months later I'm still stewing a little. The point is, I guarantee my sister never gave her statement a second thought and yours is probably just as direct as mine (you're probably a peacekeeper between your sister and mother at times, like me). When I told DH what she said, he was as stunned as I was (simply because she has just never said anything that callous or stupid), but he chalked it up to her somewhat ballsy personality. And she is ballsy.

I hope everything works out for you. Congrats on your new home!

bonjour2u2

Go big or go home!.... or go to your big home Tell her to go fly a kite.

Puff the Magic Dragon

Your sister is a real b!tch. Even if you don't end up with children, 4 bedrooms isn't ridiculously excessive. If you bought a McMansion with 7 bedrooms then I would say that yes, that's probably too much but I'm sure you'd be able to fill 4 bedrooms just fine, even without children (guest room, home office, hobby room). It seems like your sister just wants to upset you. Every family has one of those assholes, unfortunately. 

BBear13

brij2006:

We bought a 4 bedroom victorian 4 years ago, and just got married 3 months ago.  There were many people who commented about the amount of space we have in our home, and how we weren't even married yet, but purchased a home for a larger family. Now that we're married, the comments have become worse about how we need to "fill the space."

 The best way you can handle this is to decorate the home however you would like, and make it into your non-baby home for now. Whenever someone comments about the space, and babies. Just tell them you got a great deal on the house, and you both fell in love with it. They do not need to know your future baby plans, and it is none of their business.

Yes!! My husband and I bought a 4 bedroom 4 bathroom house and got the same spiel from people, especially family members with kids, but for us, it's just the right amount of space. We have:

Our bedroom.
A guestroom with it's own  full bath (a lot of our family lives out of town but visits frequently).
His office.
My office.

We both work with graphics and need our own computer desk/command centers, and have opposite needs in office environments (I need noise and lots of natural light, he needs silence, subdued light, and wears noise cancelling headphones; I want people to feel welcome to sit and join me or come for consultations, he wants it to be his fortress of solitude, etc.), we both have large book collections that we like easy access to so we need the wall space for shelves, and so on. 4 rooms feels perfect.

Really, no one else knows what you need besides you and your husband. 

Plus, why not get the most space for your money? Especially since buying larger now decreases the odds you'll need to move because you've outgrown the place and have to go through the headache of selling and buying in the near future.