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MIL won't stop calling
My MIL calls and texts my DH all day long and it's driving me nuts! When DH and I are both off work a certain day, I really see how ridiculous the calling is. She calls in the morning, afternoon, evening and texts in between the calls sometimes. Before we got married, she called once a day and maybe twice on a few occasions.
The day after my wedding, she started calling. DH told her that while we were on our honeymoon that we wouldn't be taking calls and only call if an emergency. She called the very next day, DH didn't answer, then she texted "Why are you doing this to me son?" Well, he never responded and she continued to text. We turned are phones off at this point.
After we had gotten back from our honeymoon, DH stopped taking her calls so much. He would answer 1 call a day and ignore the rest. She then texts him and says that she doesn't like this marriage stuff because DH is making her feel left out and ignored. She texts late at night just to say "I love you". Ok, that's fine, but as often as she does it annoys the crap out of me. I guess DH felt bad because now she is calling all day and he takes all the calls.
I haven't told my DH how I feel because it's his mother and I don't know if I'm being a big baby or jealous or what. I think I may be a bit jealous, but I feel wrong because how can I be jealous over my DH's mother?
Ugh! Any advice? Please help. TIA
TTC since September 2012
Re: MIL won't stop calling
Do you have any advice on what I should say to my H? I'm so open with him with my feelings on everything else, but because it's his mother, I feel afraid and at lost for words.
TTC since September 2012
What about it all bothers you so much?
Is husband spending more time with MIL then with you?
Sounds like MIL is missing her "baby" and feeling left out.
I'm glad you asked because I was just about to edit my post to say, "If anyone agrees with me and they would be annoyed also, please tell me why."
I'm confused about my feelings so I don't really know what bothers me so much about it. I'm not enraged over it, but annoyed and the more it happens, the more annoyed I get.
No, MH is not spending more time with her than me, but the constant calling gets to me.
I'm sure she is missing him, but I feel like she needs to deal with that on her own and back off a bit.
Do you think I'm wrong for feeling this way?
TTC since September 2012
I wouldn't say you are wrong in your feelings.
Possibly talk with DH and mention how you are concerned about all the calling MIL is doing. Ask him how he feels about it.
I would defnately say that you need to figure out why it bothers you so much.
How constant is the calling?
If you're worried about offending your husband, frame it differently. Rather than "Husband, you Mom is driving me crazy" try "I'm worried about your Mom, she seems to be having a hard time with our being married. Do you agree?" Then let the conversation go from there.
I had a similar experience... while my ILs were always a little overbearing, immediately after our wedding they went into an absolute tizzy! I think they called and/or texted us three times the day after the wedding, they called our room on our honeymoon, etc. We really did not expect that.
I can only imagine how parents deal with their adult children starting a new life, a new family. Clearly in some cases it's hard for them to cope. Rather than get pissy about it, try to understand where she is coming from. You don't have to like it, or even agree with her, but it will help you endure in the meantime.
Nonetheless, your husband will have to put his foot down at some point, especially if this bothers him and/or creates issues within your marriage.
I don't think you are wrong in your feelings. The calling is pretty annoying it sounds like and that doesn't bother me as much as her statements, "I don't like this marriage thing." And, "Why are you doing this to me, son?" She has a dependency issue is what it seems like. She feels threatened.
You have every right to expect that your DH be devoted to you. The calling is just a symptom of a deeper issue his M is having.
Is she married? Has she been abandoned before? Does she have any healthy relationships or does she tend to be needy?
I would be patient. Your DH will need to discuss this with her nad set some boundaries, like:
1. Setting a set day and time to chat. For example, my parents and I talk as needed in the week, but we always have a standing "appointment" to chat on Sunday nights. Maybe until she grasps the boundaries, your DH needs to have an "appointment" to talk.
2. Anything he does needs to be patient and kind. I have a feeling she is pretty fragile emotionally and any blow up on his/your part could make your lives harder when dealing with her.
3. Telling her that he loves her as a mom and that he loves you as a wife. She is special and always will be but that he is devoted to you in a different way. Reiterate that he wants her in his life.
Let her go over to VM or text away...do not reply to her.
She must have an excessive amount of time on her hands. Wow.
I agree with the bold. My H is an only child and his parents, especially his mom were "overly involved" in his life when we first met and were dating. Two things have happend to change that.
1. H talks to them every wednesday now...other then that they text...which doesn't bug me because I don't have to see it/deal with it or give up time with my H for it. H also doesn't check it when we are at home/spending time together.
2. If they call on a day other then a wednesday H does one of 2 things...he either lets it go to voicemail...then checks the VM and calls them back if its important (Not: just want to talk). Or he answers is but is off the phone within 5 minutes...just tells them he has to go/is busy and will talk to them wednesday and is done with it.
So it will take both setting boundries with MIL and having your H understand that its excessive and impacting you to change it. If H doesn't get on board with agreeing that it is maybe a bit much, there is nothing you can do to stop it, so you do need to have a conversation with him. Not telling him to "not talk to his mother" but about how you feel like he spends your time together talking/txting her and how you feel a bit annoyed about it. I don't think its your place to tell him he cant talk to his mom when you are not spending time together, but when you are, maybe he can let it go to vm or txt her back later instead of right then?
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TTC since September 2012
Good advice so far. The thing that I wanted to add was to focus on what affects YOU. THe calls he takes when you're not around? Don't worry about them. You aren't there - has no impact on you.
He takes a call or responds to some texts while you're in the shower or making dinner? Eh, let it go.
It's when he's taking calls while you are eating dinner, or talking, or evenjust hanging out together watching a show. It's rude to YOU to always take her calls and essentially put her first all.the.time.
If you approach it more from "take all the calls you want - but not when it's being rude to me", he might hear you more than "your mom calls too much".
But I also REALLY agree w/ him setting up a set time to talk to her - it might mitigate a lot of these extra calls.
Good luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
After posting this, I did think about why the calls bother me so much and it's the timing of the calls and DH's mood changes when he gets off the phone half of the time. If we are eating or watching a movie or going for a walk, or anything we may do together, 95% of the time, she will call and no one else in our lives calls either one of us that much. If DH and I were having a good time, he gets off the phone with her and now he's mad because of things that she may have said.
I also agree that setting a time for him to talk to her would be best. Thanks for the advice.
TTC since September 2012