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Why aren't you thinking about kids?
I was wondering what everyone's reasons are. I know we talked abouta bucket list and I have pretty strong opinions of when people should have children: IE. Own a home or condo etc, have a stable amount of $ in savings o cover added costs, be able to afford daycare and work if you want to, or be able to live on a single income if you want to stay home, be in a faithful loving and honest relationship with your spouse that is in a really good place, be willing to sacrafice everything for a child. Also, as I get older, I want to be in a position to be able to "spend" money on getting pregnant if we have trouble, IE: IVF, adoption, etc.
And I am CERTAINLY not in that place I mentioned above. Plus i don't really have the desire to have children. But the more and more my friends become pregnant I realized there is another thing that scares me about pregnancy. The what ifs? What if you have a baby with a genetic disorder or downsyndrome? What if they are autistic or need help all their lives? What if they are deformed or disabled and you need the money to be able to accomodate them in your home? What if they have learning disabilities? What if you can't conceive? Or have a miscarriage?
I am SO nervous as i get older (I am 28) that the likehood I will have a healthy, happy baby goes down that I am almost paranoid to ever have a baby, even in 4-5 years when I have met the above requirements.
Has anyone else felt this way?
Re: Why aren't you thinking about kids?
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Right now I'm just not financially in a place to have a kid yet. I have an IUD and that is coming out in 2.5 years...I will be reevaluating my situation then, but not before then.
I do worry about genetic disorders and whatnot, but you really can't let it get to you. My sister has had two healthy and happy babies, and historically both sides of our families are healthy and fortunate. Of course there is always a slight possibility that something could go wrong, but I'm not about to let that stop me.
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Kids cost money and time. Right now, I have neither. That's it.
And as far as complications in pregnancy go, I have thought about that before but don't try to worry about it right now. It's not worth it! Happy thoughts
From what I've seen my friends go through, your though processes seem totally normal and reasonable for most women.
However, at some point, all of my friends have had children. From talking to them, it seems like their desire for a child becomes greater than their fears of what can go wrong.
It's like all of a sudden they have a "but I want a baby" trump card. No matter what reason you give them that they shouldn't have a baby right now, they can always throw their trump card.
"You have 2 kids and can't afford to move out of your 2 bedroom apartment." "But I want a baby!!!"
"You've scheduled a month long African safari in 10 months. Maybe you should wait a few months before you start trying." "But I want a baby!!!"
"If you got pregnant this month, you'd be due in April. Your H is an accountant." "But I want a baby!!!"
I could have written this post myself - I'm the same age and 'what if' myself to death about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting all the time. Fortunately my H is the "Why worry?" to my "Oh god the sky is falling" and is very good at talking me down. Were it not for him, I don't think I'd want to try for kids at all. Not because I don't want a child, but because I'd be too freaked out.
I totally laughed at this one. My mom's a CPA and we didn't really go on spring break trips growing up because she was working 80 hour weeks...
Most of my family have had kids already (I have a huge family, we jokingly call them The Breeders) and I've definitely seen the "BUT I WANT A BABY" thing in them. My cousin has 2 kids, 5 and 2, her husbands been bouncing from job to job and apparently they were stuck on food stamps this past year, and ALL she can talk about is wanting another baby. It boggles my mind.
I've always tried to take a practical approach to babies. I flat out couldn't afford one and still keep my sanity right now. I also purposefully have a very stress-free life, and I like to keep it that way. My entire life I was anti-babies, I didn't want any at all, mostly because i'd never met someone i'd willing share genetic material with. I dated of course, but I never dated anyone who made me go "oh my god, he'd make an AMAZING father".
Only in the last year have I felt that way, with the awesome guy i'm with now. He's the only one i've ever even TALKED about kids with, and talking to him about it makes me feel warm and fuzzy, instead of the usual scream-and-run-away-quickly. I think thats a good sign
1. It always seems to be that family that is financially unstable that wants more kids...
2. That's great that you've found someone that has made you feel that way! Not that not having kids is a bad thing, but the way you wrote about him making you feel warm and fuzzy is much happier than scream-and-run-away-quickly
I'm not sure I'm "allowed" the post under this topic because I already have a child. But I was def. in the same boat as many of you before I had her and thought maybe I could shed a little insight.
I had my doubts about ever wanting kids, especially after seeing my friends have their own and the sacrifices they had to make (i.e. time, money, stress-levels,etc). And my H and I wanted to be as prepared as we could be before we started a family. But then life threw us a big fat curveball.
We had good jobs, a decent amount of savings, hadn't done everything in our bucket list but we figured we still had a long time until we actually kicked the bucket and could tackle it as we went through life. Two months after having our daughter, he lost his job and our finances/stability went right out of the window. It was rough for a very long time but looking back on it, I wouldn't have it any other way. You never know what can happen in life. Nothing is guaranteed, no matter how much planning/saving you do. Of course, I'm not suggesting that everyone just go out and make babies on a whim. I guess I'm just trying to say that sometimes things happen in life and you go with it and make the best of it that you can. My mom always said that if you wait until you have enough money to buy a house/have kids/ get married, you might be waiting forever. Because you can never be sure if what you have at that moment will still be there in the next moment.
One year ago we closed on our house and a month ago we got married. Since our wedding I have been so calm. I felt so busy and stressed out from the house and wedding it's really amazing to have nothing going on. We are putting off kids, because I would not jeopardize this amazing nothingness going on right now! We really just want to enjoy our first year as a married couple.
Also H and I have a baby bucket list. There are still a lot of things to check off that bad boy!
And, if I put all the cards on the table--I'd like to be a parent but not necessarily be pregnant or any of that. Maybe that sounds stupid or selfish, but I have thought about adopting for a long long time. I remember talking about it back in high school and middle school. It's always something I have believed in, because I grew up witha great friend who was adopted and ws giving an amazing life-- i mean a real Annie story, and it always gave me good thoughts and feelings about what adoption provided people.
anyway, i also agree with the "i want a baby thing". DH's cousin is 20 and married and they consciusly just chose to have a baby, they live with their baby in their Dorm (basically its a 1 bed apartment) and she just wrote a huge thing on facebook about not being rude to people on welfare because she was on welfare and it hurts her feelings. Plus, right now I am struggling to be supportive of a friend who is recently married and pregnant. I don't think its the right time for them. But her response was "you are NEVER really ready". ...which I guess is also true
I have a friend whose sister has been trying for 6 years to get pregnant. They are sooo ready for a baby. After round of ivf and insemination and all kinda of things- they are now considering a surrogate. I know that sometimes she said she can't see things like watch Teen Mom on tv or she will cry...she said she feels bad but she thinks how come I would make an amazing mom and give a child an awesome house and we are happy loving family and we can't have a baby, but a teenage girl that wasn't planning on it can just have a happy healthy baby. she said it's hard to go to support her friends for their 2nd or 3rd children knowing that she can't have one. I just really worry about ever being put into that position....and that scares me!
When I was a teenager they told me it would be a miracle if I ever got pregnant.
So there's that.
. . . I thought this was Babies NOT on the brain.
* looks around and hears crickets*
What if the world ends tomorrow? What if pigs fly? I hate to sound so lassez faire but really? I am 32 and I have no children. I am content either way it goes- kids or no. What if the kids are ACTUALLY healthy and intelligent? That is life. . . and if you get knocked up you are going to think those things. The only thing you can do in this life is stay positive and hope for the best. If that doesn't happen, you work with what you got.
Now, I wanna hear more about these pets and European vaca's!
We are/have all of those and I still worry.
I never wanted kids. Then, a few years ago, this little urge started. It has grown since then. I finally told DH, who always wanted kids but has always said if I don't want them he's okay with that. He seemed to take it with a grain of salt and (I believe) waited for me to say, "Nope, feeling's gone. Back to not wanting one." Probably because we've been together over 10 years and knew each other prior to dating, so he knew where I stood and how solid it was for so long. So, he just kind of did the "Mmmhmm. Kids. You want 'em. We'll see." I finally said let's have a serious discussion about it late next year, which he knew meant we'd probably go for it. A few days later he admitted to me he'd like to start trying now. Panic mode. I said all the things I said in the past about not wanting them. He asked if in all my "realness" (I kept saying '...the reality of it is..." if I saw any joy to be had in having children. And yes, I told him, that's the point. In spite of all my huge fears I can't curb the thought. Is my biological clock playing tricks on me? Do I want kids or is my body just telling me I do?
On top of all that, I discovered over the summer that I have some potentially serious issues coming up in the next few years, so my ob/gyn basically told me if I want to have kids I should do it in the next year or perhaps two, while I'm in good shape and everything is properly functioning. Otherwise there could be some major issues. So...no pressure there.
I'm always thinking about kids, which almost scares me more because even though it's been going on a few years, it's still kind of "new" to me. I think of everything - not being able to enjoy a long bath, dealing with more time with in-laws (the pressure from MIL to have a baby is a whole other story), all the possibilities you mentioned, work, moneymoneymoney, the entire first year with a baby, my crazy-competitive mom friends, not drinking for roughly a year...you name it and my logical brain thinks about it. But my BIOlogical clock ticks away, mocking my logical thoughts.
I don't know how women who always wanted kids dealt with this. It's enough to drive me crazy.
Honestly I was ready to start trying to have a baby this year, my husband . . .not so much. We talked about it and he had a buck list, well I started tackling his buck list and come October we will have the last item checked off; river cruise in Germany, Austria, and Hungary for October festivals! So of course with less that a year until we can start trying I decided I want to go back to school before we do the baby thing. If I start in January (hoping I get in) then it will push back our baby plans until summer 2014.
As for the scary bits, I'm already a high risk pregnancy Chron's Disease and CVIDS means it will most likely be hard to carry to term but I still want a baby, just not now.
I love my nieces, nephews and little cousins (some of my friend's kids are great too while others aren't) but I don't really want them.Hubby and I are financially stable, healthy and are in the process of buying a home in San Francisco but we aren't looking to fill that home with the sounds of children. In fact my best friend sent me a card from someecards that said, "You know what's sweeter than the sound of a child's laughter? The sound of silence from not having any *** kids!" That really stuck a chord last night, yesterday was pretty much the day from hell and if I had to deal with a child on top it I would have lost it.
The biggest reason for not wanting children is because I've been pregnant and had a miscarriage in my 3rd trimester. Technically since the baby would have been viable I had a still-birth. I'm petrified of that happening again.It took a very long time and a lot of therapy to get over that loss. My boyfriend at the time was wonderful and we could have had a great life together but it's for the best that we didn't end up together. I would have resented him and our child. In the end I'm glad that it happened because I was only 21 just beginning my life. I probably wouldn't have completed my Master's and I probably wouldn't have married my husband James. Having that miscarriage really opened my eyes and showed me there was so much more I wanted to do with my life.
Having a 2nd chance at life without children leads me to the 2nd biggest reason I don't want kids is because at 28 I'm too selfish for them. I have my dream job, I work both in San Francisco & New York City and travel abroad multiple times a year. I spend 2 weeks of each month on each coast. I absolutely love my job and I don't think being pregnant/having a baby and jet setting go hand in hand. I couldn't imagine not being able to fly to a partner meeting in Singapore or London because I'm in my 3rd trimester and grounded! I know that I can always be replaced but with that same token I wouldn't want to be replaced. A job is job and they will always come and go but right now I love it I wouldn't want to be tied down. I mean even if I were to keep traveling between CA and NY I would have to have an OB is both cities (an insurance company's nightmare) and eventually stop going to NYC and make CA my home base.And hopefully when I'm done being pregnant I'll have the opportunity to continue doing what I love. But then I'd have to get a nanny and be away from my baby.
I also love the fact that when I'm in CA I get all of hubby's attention. I already only get him 50% of the time I wouldn't want to share him with someone else.
And another reason I'm selfish, I have a slight Gucci obsession and I enjoy the finer things in life...I don't want to give any of that up and more importantly I don't want little hands to ruin any of my nicer stuff. (When we have children come over we basically hide all the breakables and put slip covers on the white sofa)
I know that not everyone has my lifestyle but everyone has a reason that they value to be selfish. Being a parent means not being selfish and giving everything for your child. I would not want to be a parent who couldn't devote their time, love, and affection into their kids. I don't see the point in having children if you aren't going to be their parents and have other people raise them for you. I would rather not have children and be judged for that choice versus having the obligatory 2 kids and rely on a nanny only to be judged for not raising my kid. I'm not 100% opposed to having a nanny to supplement during the day but to have a live in full time nanny to replace me would not be something I'm interested in.
Maybe I'll change my mind in the future about having kids. And maybe I'll accidentally get pregnant and everything I've just said would be pointless. Honestly regardless of if/when I were to get pregnant and carry a baby to tern I wouldn't be worried it having physical or neurological issues because at the end of the day it wouldn't matter. As a parent you don't get to pick and chose what your children will look like, act like, or do in the future, all you can do is love them unconditionally and hope you raise them to be productive citizens. Even if I were to cure cancer my legacy wouldn't be my cure, it would be the child I leave behind.