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Salvaging a relationship with his family. Yes or no
My significant other has been hinting about taking the next step in our relationship and getting engaged. We have been together roughly two years going on three and we love each other dearly. We lived to gather for about 9 months and now I'm in law school in a different state and we plan to move back in with each other in Jan 2013. Unfortunately, there is a nagging issue that looms over us. His family.
In my two years of dating him I have constantly been disrespected, shunned, and unwelcome by his family, sans his father and one sister. His mother has refused to have dinner with me on multiple occasions, two of his sisters have called me ugly names, said nasty untrue things about me to his mother and other relatives, and constantly cause drama. One of his aunts always throws me dirty looks and won't acknowledge my presence. At first, I tried to be the bigger person and still try and salvage and relationship possible with them for the sake of my significant other. However, it has gotten to the point where I've completely shut down and I don't want anything to do with his family at all.
And when I say I gave shut the door on any possible reconciliation between his family and I it is because I truly feel I have good reason. For example:I let it go when his sister was online on multiple ocassions calling me everything but a child of godI let it go when his mother refuses to have any sort of 1 on 1 contact with meIn essence I could go on and on but I have truly let A LOT of things go but what I couldnt let go is when my apartment lost power in a storm this past summer and I had no running water or air in weather that was reaching into the 100s and with no where to go since everything happened all of a sudden and last min. his family REFUSED to give me shelter in my time of need even though they had full power, a/c, and had others whom they had invited to take refuge. Needless to say at that moment I was too through.
On the flip, my familily has never treated my significant other ill. Even with all of the issues or however they may feel about him they have always treated him with respect,accepted him into my childhood home, and family circle when he was in need or even if he wasnt.
I have spoken to my significant other about it and initially he was in the same boat of not having them attend our wedding if we got married(since they wouldnt have the money to fly from DC to Houston anyway to attend) and he was understanding of why I didnt want anything to do with them but lately in discussions it seems he wants me to give his family another chance (mind you I've honestly lost count on how many chances I've given these people) and try and have a relationship with them or at least be cordial with them but after everything that has happened but I honestly dont feel that I could do it because a person can only take so much and after all I have been through in dealing with these people I feel I have reached the point of no return. Respect is important to me and these people have never respected me or treated me with respect so I chose to cut my ties with them but I have never asked my significant other or tried to influence him to cut his relationship off with them. If anything I've still tried to be there and help him whenever his relationship with them turned hectic. I've let him know my feelings and he respects them but I can tell he feels torn but I honestly dont know what to do about it.
I don't want my significant other to be torn but I'm sick of being disrespected. What do I do? Positie feedback is always appreciated.
In my two years of dating him I have constantly been disrespected, shunned, and unwelcome by his family, sans his father and one sister. His mother has refused to have dinner with me on multiple occasions, two of his sisters have called me ugly names, said nasty untrue things about me to his mother and other relatives, and constantly cause drama. One of his aunts always throws me dirty looks and won't acknowledge my presence. At first, I tried to be the bigger person and still try and salvage and relationship possible with them for the sake of my significant other. However, it has gotten to the point where I've completely shut down and I don't want anything to do with his family at all.
And when I say I gave shut the door on any possible reconciliation between his family and I it is because I truly feel I have good reason. For example:I let it go when his sister was online on multiple ocassions calling me everything but a child of godI let it go when his mother refuses to have any sort of 1 on 1 contact with meIn essence I could go on and on but I have truly let A LOT of things go but what I couldnt let go is when my apartment lost power in a storm this past summer and I had no running water or air in weather that was reaching into the 100s and with no where to go since everything happened all of a sudden and last min. his family REFUSED to give me shelter in my time of need even though they had full power, a/c, and had others whom they had invited to take refuge. Needless to say at that moment I was too through.
On the flip, my familily has never treated my significant other ill. Even with all of the issues or however they may feel about him they have always treated him with respect,accepted him into my childhood home, and family circle when he was in need or even if he wasnt.
I have spoken to my significant other about it and initially he was in the same boat of not having them attend our wedding if we got married(since they wouldnt have the money to fly from DC to Houston anyway to attend) and he was understanding of why I didnt want anything to do with them but lately in discussions it seems he wants me to give his family another chance (mind you I've honestly lost count on how many chances I've given these people) and try and have a relationship with them or at least be cordial with them but after everything that has happened but I honestly dont feel that I could do it because a person can only take so much and after all I have been through in dealing with these people I feel I have reached the point of no return. Respect is important to me and these people have never respected me or treated me with respect so I chose to cut my ties with them but I have never asked my significant other or tried to influence him to cut his relationship off with them. If anything I've still tried to be there and help him whenever his relationship with them turned hectic. I've let him know my feelings and he respects them but I can tell he feels torn but I honestly dont know what to do about it.
I don't want my significant other to be torn but I'm sick of being disrespected. What do I do? Positie feedback is always appreciated.
Re: Salvaging a relationship with his family. Yes or no
All through your post I see I, they, she, her, them...
But no "my FI."
What I see?
Disrespect...on HIS part...
Nowhere in your post do I see any evidence that he spoke up for you and he had your back when this mess began. And that is precisely when he should have spoken up.
I suggest you cut bait and run, asap.
What you are seeing is a preview of your lives 24/7. He can't stick up for you now and he does not understand what a couple dynamic is? Nope...and he sure won't enforce a marriage dynamic once you are married.
Get rid of this guy and posthaste. I only went as far as what I have quoted from your post; a "relationship" with a candyapple like your SO will not have a good end. I have seen this a million times on this board and it always has the same outcome.
Sit your SO down and tell him the relationship is over...and why:
He cannot and will not speak up for you and you are sick of his divisive, rotten and judgemental family. And you are sick and tired of his NOT being man enough to take your side, no questions asked.
I will guarantee you that he will NOT make a sound when you tell him --- he has NO intention of ever putting you frist --- or he'll beg and cry and give you lip service that "Oh, I will change, I promise, I willl change....": BULLSHIT --- a person is who he is right now, not at any time thereafter.
And go out and find yourself a guy who is man enough to be your equal and your partner, and who has a family who thinks you are fabulous and second to none. Life is too short to consider marrying a wimp like your SO. GL.
According to him he has spoken up for me and tried to plead my case to his family. And when they did not allow me refuge during the storm situation he stuck by my side and didn't pick them over he. He was by my side during the entire ordeal and when I spoke to him about how the whole thing made him feel he told me is disgusted him that they would treat me in such a way. My SO is very passive and when it comes to his family or me that doesn't change. He is just not confrontational.
He wants me to give them a second chance because during the summer his alcoholic uncle got in to some trouble while the rest of his family was out of town and I stayed by his side and helped in in a situation that could have caused them to not only lose their home but have criminal charges filed. So after that 1 of his sisters who has constantly been disrespectful to me sent me some FB message about how she misjudged me blah blah but I couldn't take it seriously 1. because she has sent me plenty of messages saying she will stay out of our business and hasn't 2. her reasoning for "apologizing" was the fact that she now feels I'm worthy of her apology because I have proven myself to her (wtf?). I'm just torn I love him but his family irks my soul.
This isn't about cutting them out permanently, and this isn't about "confrontation". It's about a simple statement. "If you can't treat fleur w/ respect, we will not spend time with you". And then - you all don't spend time w/ them until they actually start to show some effort to treat you w/ respect!
HOnestly- you need to put the wedding aside right now. do NOT marry him until this issue w/ his family is figured out. I don't blame you for not wanting them at your wedding, and I understand why he wants them there (just in the concept that they ARE his family) - but your wedding isn't where this battle should be fought. It needs to be fought BEFORE the wedding, and this is really SO MUCH MORE about your FI than you seem to realize.
If he were backing you up, they would have gotten the message a LONG time ago. But they haven't. And he isn't backing you up. Really - he isn't.
Don't marry him until this is fixed. IF it can be fixed.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
According to him he has spoken up for me and tried to plead my case to his family. And when they did not allow me refuge during the storm situation he stuck by my side and didn't pick them over he. He was by my side during the entire ordeal and when I spoke to him about how the whole thing made him feel he told me is disgusted him that they would treat me in such a way. My SO is very passive and when it comes to his family or me that doesn't change. He is just not confrontational.
According to him? Did it or didn't it happen? My guess is probably not.
Passive? This is a danger sign. And"just not confrontational" means they will continue this bullshit with his tacit permission.
FFS, find a guy who is on the same page as you! A guy who can stand up for what is right; passive will not be an anchor for your relationship.
And holy cow --- you were in life-death situation --- you could have died of heat stroke! --- and they still did this?! These people are PIGS, not to mention they endangered your life!
Your SO shold have been LIVID over this and ended all contact with them right there!
ANd if they are this horrid, he could have cut them off --- yep, even if it means never hearing from them again.
I can suggest that he get himself to counseling so that he can learn how to stand up for himself and then cut the apron strings but I don't see that happening any time soon. Even if he was dating nobody, counseling would be a must for him, being these people are toxic and pigs -- and he needs to get away from them, asap, for his own benefit.
you are fighting a losing battle. And he is concerned with YOU giving THEM a second chance? nope...he shold be concerned with how they treat you and then be proactive enough to nip this in the bud once and for all.
Consider how horrific it would be to marry this guy and bring kids into this disaster --- no way would I permit a child to be around this funky bunch. That child would be shunned, bullied or seen as an outsider or used as a middleman and pawn...
And the child will get the idea that it is okay for Daddy to walk all over Mommy -- want your kiddo to be in a household like that? I don't think you do.
Counseling for you, too: you need to learn how to stick up for yourself and you need to find out why you think it's great to be in a relationship with a guy who's not man enough to be in an equal partnership with you.
After the storm situation I did cut all contact with them and I explained to him I didn't want to have any contact or hear about or from them ever again. Prior to that I had been in numerous verbal arguments with his sisters about disrespecting me. I let them slide being disrespectful to me by saying I would bow out and let him handle it and when he did not to promised me I would not have to deal with their disrespect again I trusted and believed him. It wasn't until I kept having to deal with their verbal disrespect that I started to go off and defend myself since I realized I couldn't rely on him to put the fear in them needed for them to back down.
After the last verbal exchange that I stood up and went all the way off on them and defended myself they shut up and shut down knowing I would not hide behind him but he and I got into a huge argument with him not having much ground to stand on since I had given him ample opportunities to nip all of it early. I try not to stoop to their level because they are honestly not worth it. 1 is a teen mom, the other barely graduated high school and the rest are not doing much better while I on the other hand have no kids, graduated college, I'm currently in law school and about to start a master program in mass communications. The last thing I worry about is them. Its just really hard because I love and care for him so much that when they come into the picture is always drama, tension, disrespect and I'm not for that.
I really deep down fell I need to stick to my guns and keep them out of my life. I have even expressed to him that if we had kids I would not be comfortable with them around his family without me present and thats 100% for the reasons you named. I feel that if I go back on how I feel and the cycle repeats itself I'll only be upset with myself for not sticking to what I knew all along was right.
Before taking the next step in our relationship I would love to do couples counseling to see if this situation can be fixed or if things can change because unless he can fully be ok with me cutting them out I don't think there is much of a future between us no matter how much i love him.
After the storm situation I did cut all contact with them and I explained to him I didn't want to have any contact or hear about or from them ever again. Prior to that I had been in numerous verbal arguments with his sisters about disrespecting me. I let them slide being disrespectful to me by saying I would bow out and let him handle it and when he did not to promised me I would not have to deal with their disrespect again I trusted and believed him
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
And I believe you know the rest.
You needed to take a walk the first time this disgusting bunch of curs reared their heads: why in name of fudge do you want to be in a relationship where the guy's family cannot stand you -- and all of this is based on petty jealousy toward you.
I am dead on serious when I say you needed to bid them -- and him -- adieu when this bullshit began. As you can see, he did NOT stop them from doing what they did when it began. Who's showing you disrespect? HIM, not them!
(that's my take on it; they are jealous of you and what you have accomplished and they don't like what shoes they are walking in. FFS, this is America --- they can better themselves! Nobody is holding a gun to their heads to continue the life that they've got right now)
. It wasn't until I kept having to deal with their verbal disrespect that I started to go off and defend myself since I realized I couldn't rely on him to put the fear in them needed for them to back down.
True to type: the apple doesn't fall far. How disgusting of him.
After the last verbal exchange that I stood up and went all the way off on them and defended myself they shut up and shut down knowing I would not hide behind him but he and I got into a huge argument with him not having much ground to stand on since I had given him ample opportunities to nip all of it early.
And he did nothing. Right?
I try not to stoop to their level because they are honestly not worth it. 1 is a teen mom, the other barely graduated high school and the rest are not doing much better while I on the other hand have no kids, graduated college, I'm currently in law school and about to start a master program in mass communications. The last thing I worry about is them. Its just really hard because I love and care for him so much that when they come into the picture is always drama, tension, disrespect and I'm not for that.
There is NOTHING to love and care for here; that is something that is earned and he has NOT earned it.
Tell this guy to get lost and that he can have his precious rotten family, since apparently he wants to marry them and not you. Where is his love and caring for you? Nowhere.
I really deep down fell I need to stick to my guns and keep them out of my life. I have even expressed to him that if we had kids I would not be comfortable with them around his family without me present and thats 100% for the reasons you named. I feel that if I go back on how I feel and the cycle repeats itself I'll only be upset with myself for not sticking to what I knew all along was right.
You are seriously considering marrying this guy? Good grief...DON'T.
Before taking the next step in our relationship I would love to do couples counseling to see if this situation can be fixed or if things can change because unless he can fully be ok with me cutting them out I don't think there is much of a future between us no matter how much i love him.
The last sentence summed it up exactly.
Put yourself first. I do not see this ending well, if you stay with him.
I'm married (from Houston too) and will give you my opinion: this is too much drama, stress and BS to deal with. You should marry someone that your family accepts and vice versa, once married you might need his or your relatives in very difficult times of needs and it's not good when you don't have his family there for you. They don't have to love you but they should at least respect you. Your 4th paragraph makes me assume your family isn't thrilled about your boyfriend either, I do believe parents usually know best, if they have concerns or don't like him much, maybe you should listen and see their reasons without a blindfold on.
I don't think it's fair he has issues with his family over you, marriage is not all peachy, the relationship prior to engagement should be blissful, not stressful. If you already have issues regarding future in-laws, I don't see those issues disappearing after you get married. A husband shouldn't have to choose between spouse or family, I strongly suggest you part ways. I know that it will be hard but you should want and find someone that makes you happier. Even though your post is talking about his family, I think you're not truly happy with your boyfriend either.
I disagree.
I think her FI sounds like he's really trying to get his family to understand that they need to be nicer to her. They're probably just careless with her feelings because they don't realize that FI is serious about her. I bet as soon as they officially get married, everyone will understand that he's serious about her and make more of an effort to welcome her into their family. He sounds like a great guy. She's probably just over-sensitive because she really really really wants them to like her. She should just relax and give them time.
Is that what you were hoping we'd say, Fleur? 'Cus you're not going to get anything like that no matter how many times you come back to defend him.
Run. Now.
You know, it would be a hard and very serious decision to cut family out of your life. But if all my family turned my DH away in a life or death emergency situation, well, I'd say that would be an easy decision. That is utterly appalling. I can't even imagine the begging and sincere repentance that I would have to see in order to consider having a relationship. And if DH couldn't forgive? Well, he has every reason to feel that way. It seems as if he is trying to downplay their actions, and that is ridiculous and unfair to you as someone he has chosen to be his life partner.
Putting his family aside (which is what he needs to do), do you seriously want to marry someone this passive? Because this is how your life is gonna be. Him just rolling over because of his need to please. Want kids? Guess who gets to discipline them. You will. Because he's not gonna want to be the bad guy. And guys who are that passive don't get ahead at work. They don't stand up for themselves and let others take credit. My college roommate married a guy like that. He doesn't have the insane family, but she has plenty to complain about, believe me.
Well, to say that asking you to give them a second chance after what happened in an emergency situation is appalling, would be an understatement. How exactly does he think that they deserve it?
I agree that you're not realizing how much about HIM this whole situation is, more than it is about anyone else. This really is a losing battle. Countless women have fallen for it. No man gets to make you his next of kin unless he proves EVERY DAY, time after time after time, that you DO come first; that what is being done to you is just as if it was done to him.
Follow this rule of thumb and down the road at least you'll be able to say that you have a MAN next to you, not the billionth spineless wimp.
Again, fleur, this is SO MUCH MORE an FI problem than you want to realize. You stood up for yourself and he got MAD AT YOU? NOT THEM for being rude in the first place? That's very, very telling.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Fleur should have run like hell when this peculiar bunch started putting her arse to the wall -- and indeed, telling that he got mad at her and not at them.
There is no hope here. None at all. It's up to Fleur to do what's right for her.
t:
The whole ordeal went like this. One of his sisters decided she was going to talk badly about me online not knowing that I would find out. When I did find out I was pissed and before I return fire and acted I filled him in on the situation so he could be aware of what was going on since when this took place before she tried to lie and say she didn't start the drama it was me. So when I told him he backed offend let me handle it the way I wanted to handle it but he called his sister and asked her did she say the things I was accusing her of (even after I showed him the messages which pissed me off even further). She said yes she did but she didn't think I would see them and she thought it was funny.So he is telling her she was wrong and she shouldn't have did that pretty much "babying her". Meanwhile I'm in our bedroom airing her business to the streets and calling her out online(petty I know but I was fed up and stooped to her level). Another of his sisters sees what I am posting and calls him and starts going off on him about why he is allowing to say those things about his other sister. So he is tryna explain things to her when she goes off on a tangent about how she feels he has chosen me over "the family" and how he does nothing for the family anymore.
Pause.
My fianc?' decided to live with his family instead of getting his own spot so that he could help them survive since they are not full self sufficient. His sister who was a teen mom and just barely started "providing" and I use that term loosely for her child use to hit up my SO for diapers, wipes, etc and he helped her with money and anything else she needed. When his father had a stroke and no one in his family wanted to be bothered or help him it was my SO and I at the hospital with him so her claims of him not doing anything for the family or choosing them over me is just a ploy because they are no longer allowed to use him at their disposal.
Back to the story
He is trying to explain and reason with her all the while I was getting pissed off because to me it seems like he was pleading his case instead of addressing the issue at hand. After he gets off the phone with them I'm still heated and I confront him that I feel he didn't handle the situation and pretty much allude that if it continues I'm going to stop using my words and get physical because they don't seem to get it. We are yelling and fighting and such he is getting mad etc. and it was just really a big fight. In all he didn't get mad I defended myself but he got mad with the whole situation instead of addressing it and handling it which annoyed me further.
I totally get it and I'm really not into defending him. I see where everyone is coming from and it really has me thinking hard about all of this. These are the same people who stole my engagement ring and pawned it over the summer so my SO couldn't propose. I'm too threw with them but I'm not threw with him and I wanna figure out what I need to do to fix this if it can be fixed. IF not I'm good as gone I guess
Um, don't you think this is too much drama to deal with? Won't get better after you're married, I agree with everyone, Run.
This is for them to take care of. They are able bodied; wow, get out and find a job!
My fianc?' decided to live with his family instead of getting his own spot so that he could help them survive since they are not full self sufficient. His sister who was a teen mom and just barely started "providing" and I use that term loosely for her child use to hit up my SO for diapers, wipes, etc and he helped her with money and anything else she needed. When his father had a stroke and no one in his family wanted to be bothered or help him it was my SO and I at the hospital with him so her claims of him not doing anything for the family or choosing them over me is just a ploy because they are no longer allowed to use him at their disposal.
And by the way, it is THROUGH with them.
I threw the ball to the catcher and the runner was tagged out; now I am through with making the play.
Third graders know the difference.
I'm too threw with them but I'm not threw with him and I wanna figure out what I need to do to fix this if it can be fixed. IF not I'm good as gone I guess
Be good as gone -- and really, an on line pissing match???
The entire bunch of you needs to grow up; you're no exception.
You cannot fix this. This is a lost lost cause. Think better of yourself than to lower the bar so much that you date a candyapple and want to marry somebody who is nothing but a pvssy who cares not to stand up for you.
I suggest you make a clean break of it. Go to a public plafce like a diner and tell him there; he'll be less likely to make a scene.
And before you tell him, change your phone numbers, your email addresses and do what you have to do so that he cannot contact you at all. Clean break --- and you most definitely need a counselor. Find out why you thought it was just fine to accept damaged goods...and through a counselor, you'll find out how to break this pattern. I guarantee you that if you don't see one, the next guy you meet and get serious with will have issues like your soon to be former FI.
I was rocking with you until you got a bit snarky. I know the difference and I didn't know a little typo would be taken that seriously. As a law student with a degree in communications who has worked for multiple agencies in federal government the question of my education need not be challenge. ok? Alright.
Other than that I seriously appreciate your feedback. The counseling might not be such a bad idea. I've just invested and gone through so much with my SO I don't know how ready I am to just cut him off completely without fully 1. him understanding fully the issues to even see if he is willing to fix them 2. me completely feeling that walking away will be the right thing to do.
THe difference between threw and through is not a typo.
The counseling might not be such a bad idea. I've just invested and gone through so much with my SO I don't know how ready I am to just cut him off completely without fully 1. him understanding fully the issues to even see if he is willing to fix them 2. me completely feeling that walking away will be the right thing to do.
If he was willing to fix this, it wouldn't ever have gone any far than exactly one insult or one divisive incident: he'd have cut them down and did it in such a way that that would have been either the end of the nastiness or the end of the offender.
This is where the problem is: he cannot stop this mess and he didn't stop it when it began.
I wonder if they've been horrid to him, also as he was growing up, but he won't fess up to you about it. And I wouldn't consider it a shockeroo if he was indeed the brunt of their bullshit.
Families have a way of getting under your skin.
You could give him an ultimatum and say Cut them off or I go but it is very doubtful he'll do it. And if you do give him that choice, be prepared to go if he doesn't cut them off.
This guy can't stand up for himself -- how in heck did they manage to get their hands on a ring that was meant for you? Probably went into his room and took it when he wasn't there -- and yeah, this affects HIM also. he didn't even stand up for himself!
I am still with you running for the hills. I am not here to bust your balls or ride you; I have been in a similar position and I know where this is going to end if you don't say goodbye right now.
Ditto all PPs. Look, there is a limit to how much families need to be involved in your lives. Yes, a close relationship is good, but your main unit needs to be you and your SO (once things reach that point). Beyond that, their level of involvement and access to you should be directly proportional to how they treat both of you. If they cross boundaries with either one of you, enforce them. If they don't listen, cut them out. Fairly simple. It takes being an adult, and it takes having a spine.
Unfortunately, your SO seems to have neither. This will not bode well for a marriage. If it can be fixed, it's not going to be soon. You need to postpone the wedding at a minimum. He needs to see that you are serious. Up until now you've vocalized what you need. Now you need to act on it, and have him face consequences. He needs to see that he can lose you if he allows his family to treat his FI (whom he's supposed to be closest to) poorly.
Look, my SO and I are close to our families. We see his parents often, and we talk to mine all the time (they're out of state). However, both sets treat both of us with love and respect, and that goes both ways. They also respect us as a unit and hell if they'd ever try to interfere in our relationship. It's healthy.
XH, on the other hand, was a whole different set of bananas. While it was nowhere near your situation, if we had marital issues, he'd try to bring in my parents to make me do what he wanted (they laughed in his face. literally), or call his mom and have her 'talk sense' into me. She had entirely too much say in our marriage, not because of anything I did, but because he allowed her to. Don't get me wrong, she was a nice woman, but there were definitely lines crossed. This is child's play compared to what you're experiencing, and guess what? It still affected our marriage a great deal.
The reason that your SO's mother and family don't respect you as a unit and your FI as an adult is because he does not stand up and act like an adult. Until that gets fixed, you will have major issues on your hands.
That said, you need to decide whether you want to do the work, and let him do the work, to fix this, or if you would rather find someone else who doesn't have Oedipal family issues. It's your decision, but realize that you deserve so much better than this, and that there are men out there who would not subject you to this bullsh*t, or allow anyone else to do so. You're not free to find them if you're still trying to force life into this situation.
She was engaged to their family member and the misery that they gave her was relentless.
We warned her to think it over carefully and to consider telling the FI goodbye: same thing: he did not have her back.
She went through with the ceremony anyway. And it got worse after she married him.
The marriage lasted about 2 years and then she finally decided enough was enough and she left his ass. That was the last we heard from her; I don't know what happened after that.
It was a cultural issue -- the FI's family was Mexican and to boot, they lived next door to his mother, sisters and other siblings once they got married -- but the point still remains: a lack of character is a lack of character. And that is what killed their relationship and marriage.
Man. I know exactly where you are coming from. I have been where you are.
For years, I would let my SO let his family push me around. Even if I stood up for myself and fought with him to stand up for me, and he said he did or would make attempts to, I would feel like I was being stomped on. Why? Because I was being stomped on, and he allowed it by being neutral. "Can't we all just get along?" was his catchphase.
It wasn't until I realized that I trained him to be this way that things changed. He got someone that would accept him the way he was, deal with his wackadoo family, as is, and he didn't have do the same for me. So I changed. I started to focus on me, myself and I. I tore our wedding plans apart. I stopped all contact with his family. I stopped acting like the loving spouse I had been for years. It was a changing moment for him when he realized that he had to more active in our relationship if he wanted to keep me. He told his family off and after the novelty of family war with him wore off his family accepted it.
I wouldn't recommend doing what I did for everyone. The stress I put myself through to get to my breaking point with them has probably taken five years off my life. His lack of growth with his family issues and my enabling has damaged our relationship severely. I am not even close to going back to "planning our wedding" yet. He still has so much to prove to me before I can trust him to be at my side through better and worse. After I heal my own scars through therapy, I might find that I can never trust him to always be by my side.
Take it from someone that knows, you need to re-evaluate things now, make yourself the first priority, and give him the ability to either change or get left in the dust. It will save you so much heartbreak and suffering
make any exuse you want for him 'hes not confrontational' etc.. but it still just amounts to the fact that he does not put you first. that is a recipe for a failed marriage from day ONE. i mean god forbid he should stand up for the woman he loves. do you REALLY want to marry a guy who can't? and if yes-WHY?! why sell yourself short?! if the siutation were reversed i'm sure you'd have no problem having his back and putting him first. why are you allowing him to allow them to treat you this way? verbal altercations with the sisters? no back up from him. geeze. we'll see you on Maury in a few years. stop making excuses for him!! STOP!!!
until he grows a pair forget it. he's not worth it. we all get that you love him-but marriage goes beyond love to mutual respect and putting each other first before anyone. clearly he's not doing either of those.
It was crazy because I explained to him the only reason I was trying and stressing about getting along with them was because I thought that is what he wanted. I told him I felt like he was asking me to overlook their disrespect in order to have a relationship with them for his benefit. It was really important to me for him to have a close relationship with my family which he does but it wasnt that important to him which I failed to explictly realize. From the conversations we had I thought he felt in the middle and wished things were different with me and his family but he told me honestly he is glad I am done with them so that we can focus on us. He told me is focus is on us and not on them because he already knows that any interaction with them is pointless. He is working hard to move down to BR with me, he lived with me for 9 months, he flies to BR to visit me 2 or 3 times a month over the past 6 months, he spent most of his time when we were in the same city with me and he thought it was obvious that while he loves his family but at the end of the day its about me and him. He explained to me that he was annoyed by the situation because he really thought he was telling me that he didnt want me and us to have anything to do with them but thought because that was what I wanted and he wanted to do and suggest whatever to make that happen. The situation with them turning me away in my time of need and stealing/pawning my original engagement ring really angered him and after that it was the nail in the coffin for them in regards to them and us. It made him look at them differently and even made him stop speaking to them for a period of time.Needless to say we both had a epiphany about it and i breathed a sigh of relief that my SO supports my decision to not want to have anything to do with them, is on the same page as me and his focus is on us and not them. I'm truly all
ETA - didn't read all the updates before I responded. Sounds like you've made your choice. I hope it works out for you. Again, best of luck!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
we've all 'been through so much' and have loved people to death. that doesn't automatically make them great husband material.
i would still SERIOUSLY consider if you want this for the rest of your life. if you want kids think ahead to what kind of relationship they'll expct or your fi or bf will expect to have with them. marriage doesn't make issues go away. it magnifies them x1,000,000 so i'd give this some good serous thought. it seems that when you spoke to him you put him on the spot and his previous actions dont match his words now.
i really hope everything works out for you both-but i see a lot of red flags here-and not from his family-from him. good luck to you
From what you have told us you two haven't been through so much, he has put you through so much. He can be telling all the rainbow puppy bs he wants but I doubt his follow through. Plus cutting off his family isn't a hail mary that solves all problems you two have. There is all of this baggage to work through and his track record based on his family trouble isn't great.
Also, wtf is this hidden random statement made about stealing/pawning engagement ring?