Splitting time on the holidays

ktbug1490

My husband and I are coming up on our 2nd married Christmas, and the "splitting time between families" drama has already started!  We live overseas and are flying back to the US for Christmas.  My family lives in one state, his in a different state 1000 miles away!  The hubbies family consists of his mom, dad, and siblings, whereas mine is a split family- mom, dad, stepdad, stepmom, step-sibs, etc.  We have tried to split the time right down the middle (his fam, my fam), but due to travel plans, it's very slightly weighted towards his family.  My mom is NOT happy with this, and argues that we should spend more time with my family since we have more people to split our time with there.  Is anyone else in the same situation?  Is it more fair to do 2 completely equal visits (my family, husband's family), or to let my family have extra time due to more people to see??[Poll]

EastCoastBride

A few thoughts. I think you need to move away from either of these "rules". Yes, your family is bigger and to a degree, I do think you should spend a little more time w/ them. You DO have more people to see - it's a matter of logistics.

However, at the same time - don't stick yourself to any specific "rule". And this is more why I say don't ever commit yourself to "50/50". You don't need your famlies sitting there and comparing time you spend w/ the other- which clearly at least your mom willl do.

THis year, it worked out that you're spending more time w/ your family. But who knows what might happen next year, or the year after, or the year after? What if his family has a special event around the holidays that mean you spend more time w/ them that year? Or someone becomes sick and you all just want to be w/ them because you want to?

You need to take your mom out of the equation. She doesn't get a say in how you and your DH plan your trip. The two of you need to figure out what the TWO OF YOU want to do. You have a bigger family, but do you really WANT to see everyone for the same amount of time? If you do- then plan for it. If you don't, then don't!

Figure out what YOU and DH want to do.

Then when it comes to your famlies starting in on the "it's not fair" - stop them and tell them that you aren't going to nitpick over exact amounts of time. You have a big trip to make and you're going to plan it for how it works best for you. ANd you'd REALLY prefer to focus on the QUALITY of time than the quantity.

And if I really felt my mom (or whoever) would keep pushing, I'd be tempted to say "if you dont' respect our plans and keep pushing the issue, it's going to make me want to spend LESS time here next year.".

Disneygeek77

ECB has a good point. Don't think of it as splitting time between two families but three. You and your husband are also a family and the most important one. Remember, this is your holiday too and if you guys don't want ot spend your holiday traveling all over to make other people happy, you don't have to. You really can do whatever you want whether that involves spending time with family, staying at home, going on a cruise to the Bahamas, going to Disneyworld, or simply staying at home and eating chinese food. Schedule what makes the both of you happy first, and then try to fit family events around your own schedule. Remember what your mom wants and what she thinks doesn't matter.

agarneau26

With the exception of living in the U.S., I'm in the exact same situation. I would definitely say it's only fair to spend equal time with both but you guys as a married couple have to do what is best for you too in my opinion. You guys are a family now too.

ashleyy00

Agree. As a couple, you two are family. You need to consider what's best for you guys (even if it's boycotting both families for a year or two to start your own traditions).

lizeth1009

the most important thing is wha your DH & you want to do...I don't believe you mentioned whether you have kids or not but imagine having to split that time with kids! Yikes!  Get it into a routine now before it's too late.

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