Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
SO doesn't seem to care
So, about a year ago I was playing on my husband's iPod (then my fianc?) and found a large collection of pornographic pictures. This upset me, not because he was looking at porn but because I had talked with him about that in the past and to him saving pornographic pictures onto his computer and similar things upsets me, A LOT. So, when I saw them I was really upset and I told him if I ever found them again and found out he lied to me that I couldn't tolerate that because due to my past I find it really uncomfortable he'd save that.
So, tonight I grab his iPhone to look at pictures we took of our cat and find another obviously pornographic picture of a lady. I asked him about it, asking why he'd save it KNOWING it made me uncomfortable. He told me that he was allowed to make a mistake and I should just accept that it was a mistake. And, he would be right had this not been our 3rd serious talk about it. So, I am trying to explain to him again what it is about saving these pictures that make me uncomfortable (mostly a sexual abuse past myself) and he gets defensive about how I am attacking him and I should just let this mistake go because he deleted it. I explained that this would be the third time we talked about it, he knows it is wrong, so how many chances does he deserve? He starts telling me I shouldn't make him feel like *** and He had a high sex drive and I never sleep with him (another issue) so I feel a little like he is throwing it back on me. He even said something about if he wanted he could make a file on his computer and I'd never know. Because he could make it private and visible only to him.
In the midst if all thus he starts giving really passive-aggressive answers while I am trying to plea with him to talk to me then to top it off he goes to sleep while I am talking. And he got up late, like 5 hours prior to this, so it wasn't like I cane to him after a long shift at work or something. I tried to go in the bedroom to take some time away from him but he gets up and follows me.
I am so disgusted with him right now I cannot breathe. I don't want to be in the same house as him, not because he saved this picture, but because if how he avoids admitting responsibly for his actions (trying to make it seem like an accident) and avoid "punishment" but also for how little regard he has at how HURT I was.
I have no idea what to do.
Re: SO doesn't seem to care
THere's a LOT going on here.
His big problem? Not so much the porno pix -- his big problem is NOT upholding a promise he made to you.
You specifically said you didn't like the idea of porn saved on his ipod and he went out and did it not once but a few times.
This is a character and lying issue, not a porno issue.
This also is pretty bad, too:
He starts telling me I shouldn't make him feel like *** and He had a high sex drive and I never sleep with him (another issue) so I feel a little like he is throwing it back on me.
How dare he not only blame you for his promise breaking he's also making you feel like garbage. I'm surprised you didn't hit the roof over this one.
And his high sex drive, really? Hah -- how juvenile and what a damn cop out.
He even said something about if he wanted he could make a file on his computer and I'd never know. Because he could make it private and visible only to him.
True...but is he saying this as fact or is it emotional blackmail so you can sit undder a Sword of Damocles regarding whether or not he's still saving porn...and whether or not he's lying to you about what he is doing?
Unacceptable also:
In the midst if all thus he starts giving really passive-aggressive answers while I am trying to plea with him to talk to me then to top it off he goes to sleep while I am talking. And he got up late, like 5 hours prior to this, so it wasn't like I cane to him after a long shift at work or something. I tried to go in the bedroom to take some time away from him but he gets up and follows me.
I strongly recomment counseling for him: his problem is lying, immaturity and breaking promises he made to you and he's doing it over and over again. At this point you could have requested that he stop saving photos of hiis Great Aunt Agnes for what it was worth ---- but the thing is this: he keeps doing it and he keeps lying about it and breaking a promise he made to you.
I would, if I were you:
Make counseling for him a must and I'd tell him that if he wishes his marriage to continue he comply.And he will comply with no ifts ands or buts or you will show him the door. BE PREPARED to stand behind what you say.
Why should you be in a marriage where you are walking on eggs around this guy because you don't know if he's being honest or not?
HE's also got a devestating lack of respect for you.
Counseling for him --- and if he does not go, rethink being married to him. You have only been married since August and to have these many problems this early on is mindblowing --- This is NOT new behavior and when he lied to you before you were married about what he did, you shoud have rethought him immediately. Who needs to be married to a liar and somebody you cannot trust??. .Marriages are built on trust and honesty -- where the hell is his??
YOu told him a year ago that if he did it again you would not tolerate it. He's already called your bluff and when you say something like that, you have to stand behind it.(I am a porude about saved porno on whatever media -- who knows who else might see it or find it?)
So, hypothetically, you wouldn't care if he did look at porn, as long as he left the pictures on the web instead of saving them? Not entirely sure what the difference is there, but that would seem like a reasonable compromise to me.
But honestly, as long as he's not getting these from sketchy sites that will charge money or give viruses, what do you really care what he does in his own time? People look at porn. It's not cheating; it's (generally) not involving sexual abuse, apart from obviously illegal child pornography. The people in these pictures aren't posing at gunpoint. They're doing it because they want to and they get paid.
I do agree with Tarpon that the way he treats you is the bigger red flag.
On the "i don't mind if he looks at it - I don't want him to save it" issue - yeah, it doesn't make sense and I think the real issue is that you actually don't like porn but you want to come across like you don't mind it.
So, first, I think you need to start being 100% honest w/ yourself.
Second, telling a guy "I don't like this - don't do it" really isn't going to yield great results. Whether it's porn, smoking, drinking or.... whatever. There needed to be a much deeper discussion the first time you found out that he likes looking at porn which involved being honest w/ yourself and also really coming to an "understanding" - beyond "don't do it". Because you told him not to and he's now gone and done it 2 more times and he doesn't get what the problem is.
I'm not excusing his "going back on his word", but at the same time - that simply is never a good solution to a deeper problem.
He likes porn, you don't. He doesn't want to give it up, you want him to.
This is something that you should have decided a long time ago - but is this a dealbreaker for you? how serious is this to you, how far are you willing to go?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There is no trust between the two of you. He gives no thought to your feelings. You do not have (much of) a sex life. He is emotionally blackmailing you.
What to do: move on. There isn't much of a relationship to salvage, imo.
Not even a porn issue at this point -- this is a lying, immaturity, bankrupt trust and no character issue.
You can't build a solid secure marriage based on that.
I agree with this 100%
I'm a little confused on your stance re. porn so he might be as well. Is it no porn ever? Or he can't save it to his computer but can browse online? I think you need to be very clear in a non accusatory way: this type of porn bothers me because ________. It also sounds like your past is significantly affecting your present. If you are not already in counseling then you should be.
Marriage is often not about being right. It's about being heard and having a partner who respects your feelings. My guess is that he doesn't see anything wrong with porn and doesn't like being made to feel bad about it. He is brushing this off as your issue. The real question is whether he will actually be ok with, and follow through with, what you're asking of him. If the answer is no, you need to know and he needs to feel safe saying so, in order for you all to either decide to work through it or decide it is a dealbreaker. You shouldn't be made to feel bad about your history of abuse, but he also shouldn't be made to feel bad or dirty for having sexual needs that aren't being met.
Wow. You two need counseling. You are are obviously not on the same page about a lot of things, and this type of discord is serious enough to destroy a marriage. Disagreements about money, religion, parenting and intimacy are the big four. I could address each point of your post, but the overwhelming advice I have for you is that your troubles are far deeper than saved images. I seriously hope you two will go and see a professional. Otherwise, I don't give this marriage another 2 years. Best of luck to you.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Yea- I don't understand why you two are married.
I hate porn and DH knows this. I wouldn't forbid him from looking at it, but I don't want to partake in it, so if he wants to look at porn, he should do it when I'm not around. Saving them and I see the porn would disgust me, so maybe that is why OP doesn't mind him looking at it, but doesn't want him to save it.
TTC since September 2012
Tarpon, I tend to agree with your general advice, but I seriously do have to wonder in what possible scenario would one's boss would be looking at one's personal iPod. Like, seriously. I'm having a "if it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college" moment trying to fathom how in the hell this is even remotely applicable anywhere, ever.
Anyway, OP, do you have a problem with his saving the porn? Or deep down do you actually really have an issue with porn itself and don't want him looking at it at all? He needs to respect your wishes, and after 3 serious discussions, there are no more "mistakes" or "accidents" if something gets saved, and that's the issue. And threatening you with making a "secret file you'll never find" is just immature and mean-spirited, and definitely an indication of abuse going on.
However. If your problem is actually with him viewing porn, you really do have to come to terms with the fact that this guy is not going to give it up for you (The writing's on the wall, he's never going to stop), ever. If you can't live with a relationship where any kind of porn-viewing is not an option, then this is not the relationship for you, and you just need to accept that and move on now, so you're free to find somebody else that actually can respect that.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
If I were you, I would get myself into personal counseling and suggest to him that you two receive some couple's counseling. You two have some serious issues with communicating, which is totally normal for a lot of couples, but when the issues are this deep (especially, it seems, for you) you are just going to keep hurting each other until you learn how to communicate effectively.
I think that a deep dislike of porn from a history of sexual abuse is MORE than understandable, and maybe it will help you to seek individual counseling to discuss your feelings about porn with someone who is sympathetic to your feelings, because it sounds like your husband (very unfortunately) is not.