Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I need advice
I am recently married. My husband has NO sex drive! He does have depression issues which he is on medication for. We were married 10/13 and have had sex 3 times since we said "I do". I tell him that I dont feel like he is attracted to me and I am can't help but take it personally. I try to initiate it but I don't get very far because he starts to fall asleep. I have no clue what to do! Anyone have any advice?
Re: I need advice
Curious if this was an issue prior to getting married? Because everyone will tell you, marriage doesn't magically make problems go away, it doesn't suddenly turn your husband into someone he never was. Just an FYI...
Do you know if he's masturbating?
It's common that depression (and the meds used to treat it) repress a person's libido. So I wouldn't take it too personal and put additional pressure on him.
Even given that, he owes you more. It's been upwards of a month and a half and you've only had sex 3 times? Yikes! Not good. At minimum you guys have to talk about this. Ask him what he wants, communicate what you want, see if you can come to some compromise or understanding. In this conversation, try to determine if there are better days/times for him to commit to having sex with you. Possibly research holistic ways to combat reduced libido. Exercise can help. Plus, the more you have sex, the more your body craves it... maybe if you guys can get away for a long weekend, get into a new environment, and commit to being intimate, it might jumpstart his libido.
Good luck.
Before I met my husband, he had been on depression medication, and shared with me that he had the same thing happen.
Is there any way you can talk to your husband about asking whoever is prescribing his medication to change it?
Do you think you can tell him that while you love him, you're worried about his mental health, and wish you could have more intimate time together?
I think you'll just have to be patient, wouldn't you expect the same?
Again: communication is KEY.
Have you spoken to him about this issue?
What was your sex life like with him before you got married? if you were sexually active with him, how many times a week on average would you say you had sex with him?
I don't know how long you have been together, but if you are together a couple of years, I would say twice a week would be about average and just fine for frequency of sex.
It very well could be that his meds are killing his libido. he needs to speak to his doctor about this so that his doc can prescribe something else or adjust the dosage.
When you told him you don't feel attracted to him, what did he say...and what did he do as a solution to ensure your happiness? That's the big question here.
Again, he needs to speak to his doc to get his meds issue straightened out.
I am pretty certain that the no sex issue did not happen right on October 13. It was probably ongoing and that was when you needed to address the issue with him and that was when you needed to work on this issue together. You're supposed to be a team and you are supposed to equal partner on every issue that is essential to your marriage.
You equal partner for money, for housework, for finances -- and you need to equal partner for all things sexual and bedroom.
Discuss the lack of sex issue outside of the bedroom --- do it on a Saturday wnhen you and he can talk at length. make sure you have no interruptions. You might say something like, ":Honey, we had such a hot sex life and I would love to have sex with you more often. I'm thinking that we've got an issue where your meds need to be adjusted; it's a simple thing to do and we'd be well on the road to being hot again -- what do you think?" and then let him take the floor. GL.
It does seem that this is a problem that should have been worked out before you were married. As others have said marriage does not miraculously solve problems.
Antidepressants can decrease libido, but there are many antidepressants that could be tried. Also, some of it is mind over matter. If you really want to be intimate he needs to at least try. Sometimes catching him when he least expects it can have great results. it is not only the meds, Part of depression is that you lose interest in things that were once pleasurable.
Good Luck. Intimacy is an important part of marriage. Someone once told me that if the sex in a marriage is good it is only 10% of the relationship, but if the sex is absent it becomes 90% of the relationship or the perception of how the marriage is.