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Should I make a big deal about this?
A few months ago I found pictures of naked girls from porn sights on my husbands phone. I asked him about it and he said he didn't know how they got there. He never lied to me before so I believed him. A month later it happened again, and again he played shocked and dumb. I started getting suspicious. So I started going through his phone.( I know that's bad, but we never had the type of relationship where we watched porn. We have a pretty active sex life still. ) I found out that he was looking at porn on his lunch breaks at work. I asked him about it again and he owned up. He told me he didn't before because he knew it would bother me. We had a long talk about it and I told him it bothered me so much because he was hiding it from me and because it made me feel like I wasn't enough for him. He said that wasn't it and that he would stop. And he did til a few weeks ago. I had stopped checking his phone until he the other day when i asked for it and he started handing it to me only to quickly take it back and delete something he wouldn't let me see. I got suspicious again and started checking his phone and found he was doing it again.
Now I have tried before to watch porn with him and told him that if he wants to watch it I would rather him watch it with me. But when we watched it he made me feel uncomfortable by laying his head on my lap and telling me that he didn't want to watch with me cause it was to weird. I never got into watching porn so it just became pointless. He said not to worry about it and that we didn't need to watch it. so i let it go. He just started doing this since he got his phone about 6 months ago. I know he was not doing it before cause we share a computer, and we used to work together.
Everything was going good once he stopped. Our sex life was great cause i felt more confident. Then I found more pictures. I dont know if i should confront him again or just let it go. It bothers me that he looks at other girls naked and that he is hiding it from me. i know part of the reason for the hiding is that he knows that it hurts my feelings. I don't really like porn and used to be completly against it, but now i wouldn't mind watching it with my husband but he doesn't want to. I feel like he watches it or looks at photos of naked girls cause im not enough for him.
Should I make a big deal about this?
Re: Should I make a big deal about this?
Here is my take on it, and I may be way off. So feel free to disagree.
Some people like it, others do not. As long as he isn't watching child porn or any weird fettishes, I wouldn't get too worked up about it. Be open with him about it. Let him know that you do not like it, but it is his choice as long as it isn't weird stuff. Also let him know that you don't want this to affect your sex life.
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Here is my opinion and it might be very different from other's on here:
He is your husband and should respect you and your feelings. If it makes you uncomfortable, he should stop. And hiding it from you doesn't make it any better.
My opinion is that if it bothers you, it is a big deal. I think you should talk to your H openly about it, if nothing else to understand what the reason for watching porn is, then move accordingly.
I'll be honest, I think that an apparently happily married man who continues to stare at naked women behind his wife's back has to have *some* issues that need attention. Just my opinion though.
I understand the reason for porn in the context of couples that want to explore their eroticism; a man that perpetuates the habit and hides it, not so much.
edited a word
I feel like this is more of a "respecting your spouses feelings" issue than a porn issue.
in my personal opinion you might need to be willing to compromise on this one.
It's wrong that he continues to do this behind your back and is trying to hide it, but I don't necessarily think it's so wrong to look at porn.
Sit down and have a conversation where you aren't approaching the subject in an accusatory way...if you're not able to come up with a solution on your own, seek counselling.
It sounds like for the most part you two are happy together and there's just this one quirk. If your sex life was suffering I'd be worried, but it's possible he just loves looking at porn and has a really high sex drive...it doesn't make you any less attractive and you should really have more confidence in yourself. Your husband loved you enough to marry you and if he's still showing sexual interest in you I think you're overreacting to this all.
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At work? He's looking at porn on his lunch breaks at work?
Ew.
I agree with this.
I really think you're setting yourself up for failure on this one. You've essentially given him a loophole. He's going to continue doing it because he likes/wants to and he will only tell you about it if he gets caught.
I sort of think it's asinine that you're okay with him watching porn with you, but it's NOT okay for him to like doing it alone (your judgment of him is probably WHY he does it at work, he can't do it at home or he risks making you uncomfortable). If you seriously have such a problem with it, maybe you should reconsider the relationship. IMHO so long as he's not physically cheating, you should probably just let him have his less than savory "hobby".
I also will reiterate that it might not be the worst idea to seek counselling. You really haven't come up with a solution. This WILL happen again and you WILL be just as frustrated or more so the next time.
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I think you're setting yourself up to fail here, and him as well. He's lying to you and hiding it from you, but why? Are you making it difficult for him to be honest with you? In his mind, he could be doing something that is a very normal outlet that many, many people also find perfectly normal, but you don't so he is banned from looking at any kind of porn unless it is specifically with you, even in private, on his private phone and it is not affecting you in any way.
That just seems overkill to me. If he was paying for porn and it was hurting you financially, I could see it. If he was addicted to porn, getting freaky or he was no longer interested in having sex with you over it, I could see the problem. If he was spending all of his free time holed up in front of the computer looking at or watching porn instead of spending any time with you, going to work, spending time with the kiddo, doing other things, etc., I could see the problem. Even if your bedroom floor had turned into a wet sock graveyard of shame, I could see it.
But the guy has a couple of porn sites and pics on his phone (um, because he obviously can't have it on any shared device or at home because you snoop through his stuff and don't trust him - side eye). I don't think that's a big deal. And if it is such a huge deal to you, you probably shouldn't have married the guy. And he shouldn't have married you.
When I was younger my boyfriend watching porn really bothered me. I've grown out of that insecurity, thank god, and understand that him watching porn is not a reflection on me.
Just my opinion, but I think you will be a lot happier if you ease up and let this go. What else are you going to do? Divorce over this?
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I want to second what Tofu said.
Unless you have never read a harliquinn type romance novel, or watched a chick-flick, then you are hypocritical.
YOU do not like porn because "because it made me feel like I wasn't enough for him" is no different than reading about the perfect man in the perfect romance working towards that perfect happily ever after.
He can never equal those men...just like you can never equal the porn start. The difference is, your pedestal is about the entirety of a relationship, it incorporates EVERY aspect, from the sex to the communication to the commitment, his is just abuot the sex.
If this has NOT affected your sex life....then why is it a problem? Have you read the "Fifty Shades of Gray" series??? How is that any different? Really...that is SO EXACTLY the same thing! Men are visual creatures.
If this has not affected your sex life then I don't understand why you are so worried. I know my boyfriend watches porn on occasion...it doesn't bother me. If he were looking at erotic pictures of his ex...or someone he was seeing behind my back--THAT would be a problem.
If this starts to become an issue during sex...that can be a sign of porn addiction. Otherwise....It kinda sounds like he is a normal dude.
Any feelings that "you are not enough" are really YOUR OWN. I think that you forbiding porn for him is going to fail....big time.
Sorry to sound so harsh....just my thoughts
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