Sex & Romance
stacey1508
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband isn't doing it for me...
I hate to say this, but my husband just isn't doing it for me in bed. It's not just an issue of not orgasming (which I never have with him but always can on my own) but I also just don't enjoy it that much. I really do desire him and want our sex life to be fulfilling for both of us, but for some reason, he just doesn't give me what I want. I try telling him how I like to be touched, what turns me on, etc. but he never really gives it to me. For example, I've told him that I need foreplay, but he frequently rushes to sex before I'm even in the mood. I ask him to touch me certain ways and show him how to, but he just doesn't do...not dexterous enough, I guess? When we make-out beforehand he'll be sloppy and careless about it. I've also told him he needs to work on his approach when he wants me since I like a little romance, but every single time, he just asks "Wanna have sex?" I'm confused because he says he really desires me and wants to please me, but I don't understand why he isn't really changing his behavior. Is he just intimidated? Is he being lazy? Does he not care? I try to talk about it with him but it's a sensitive issue for him obviously. I know he struggles with feeling confident in bed since he has no experience (we were both virgins), so I also try not tell him every single time that he's doing it wrong. But I'm starting to feel kind of desperate. Has anyone been through something similar and if so, how did you handle it? Thanks!
Re: Husband isn't doing it for me...
Have you spoken to him about this?
Again and as always I will say it again: Communication is key and is mandatory in all aspects of your relationship; your mutual sex life in particular.
I attribute this to inexperience and age; he is rather young.
What you and he need to do:
You sit down with him outside the bedroom -- do this on some weekend afternoon when you and he have a good chunk of time to talk - and say, "Honey, you're red hot and I love having sex with you; I would really like it if we could slow down so the both of us can enjoy and savor the experience."
Let him take the floor.
The key to this is foreplay and lots of it. This isn't a porn flick -- you're a loving married couple -- and the 2 of you need to slow down. He needs to get why this is necessary.
Talk to him! Maybe he thinks you like a quickie each and every time and you are enjoying it to the max! As I said, he's not a mind reader.
I also suggest tha tyou and he go to a mainstream bookstore and have a look at the sex manuals for couples. These are not porn; this is to aid your sex life.
Have a look at the books together and decide which ones the both of you like -- and then indulge in the suggestions that are provided.;)
This is sex between a married couple; this isn't porno, as I said, and it sure isn't one of his masturbation sessions where the act is over in 5 minutes or so.:)
Wishing you luck --- practice makes perfect. GL.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Let me ask you this: Do you masturbate?
If you do not, start now --- and then show him (with your hand and tell him "mmm this feels so good do this") what turns you on., That should help matters a lot.
Is he going down on you? if not, he needs to start.
I do and he does. It's just that it isn't quite right as another poster put it. And I also do try to show him, but for some reason he just can't or doesn't do it like I do. I think I could definitely work on showing him more and then also being a lot more insistent, though.
you don't seem to like the way he kisses, as well as all the additional sex stuff (foreplay, oral, intercourse). Did you think he was a mediocre kisser before marrying him? Was there sexual spark then? Did you speak up about how you like to be kissed and help the situation improve?
To my ears you married a man who doesn't seem to care if you're enjoying sex. He seems to know you're not enjoying things at present, and isn't taking strides to change it. I hope that's not the case, but based on the brief post, it's how I'm interpreting it.
If you want to have a sex life you DO enjoy someday, there needs to be more commitment from him to learn. I'd definitely try books like pps suggested. If you can't get him to slow down foreplay alone, try games that slow down foreplay (most adult stores have some with dice or comparable playful things). Set up a date night where you have dinner in lingerie and only kiss/pet while you're feeding each other, then have sex. If you want things to change you have to take action, and may have to try really hard if he doesn't care much about changing this.
Note: I'm not a fan of abstinence until marriage partly for things like this. Sexual compatibility is sometimes a thing you can grow into, and sometimes just doesn't gel. The spectrum of how people like to be touched, talked to, kissed, licked, and screwed is HUGE. Just because you're a great match with your clothes on doesn't mean things will be great once they're off. For your sake I hope you can work this out.
Boom goes the dynamite!
try taking sex off the table for a night or two. just curl up on the couch or in bed at night and cuddle/kiss for awhile, or maybe take a bath/shower together if thats more your thing.
it's pretty easy after having sex regularly that you forget the details about your partner from before. a PG rated example is that my hubby enjoys a good shoulder/neck massage, so I used to do that while we were cuddling/kissing. I realized I don't do it as much anymore (yikes!)
everyone IS going to fall into a rut at some point. There were weeks that i just plain wasn't interested in getting close to my hubby. I found that taking a bubble bath, curling up with a book (i wont lie - it was 50shades) helped for me to unwind and want to get closer to him...which made it easier on both of us since I was the one initiating instead of him.
so maybe the two of you just need to back it up a bit and get to know your bodies all over again. help him to gain confidence in doing the right things and learning your reactions. (aka praise him when he's doing well) if he's still impatient or doesn't want to because he knows it wont lead to sex, then maybe it's time to consult some outside help to make sure you both understand and respect each other's needs and wishes and concerns.
also if you plan to take my suggestions, HAVE A CONVERSATION to tell him that you'd like to try some of these things first. Let him know your thoughts and motives and make sure he's on board. Otherwise he might feel like you're secretly plotting against him. lol
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I wasn't quite sure before. but yep...definitely a troll.
Have you tried watching some soft-core porn? It is just that some men are so 'visual' just "telling" them to do something isn't quite enough
I know that is a touchy subject...but there is some low-key stuff out there that isn't shockingly raunchy. If you aren't quite 'porn' ready then try watching some TV that has some sex involved...I know the show "True Blood" has a LOT of sex in it (of course part of the reason I love it lol)
I think sometimes when you are telling a guy 'Do this...do that....would love it you tried this...yadayadayada" what they REALLY HEAR is "You are doing is WRONG" I think it messes with their ego a little. I am NOT SAYING you asked in an incorrect manner or said something wrong (hey--a girl has gotta get her needs met!) but a man's ego is a fragile thing!
....beyond this, I don't have any good advice....but I am sure someone here will have some answers for you. Good Luck!
Make a pregnancy ticker
I understand where you are at this point! DH and I are at the same place right now and we've had to have a talk. I explained to him what is that I'm looking for and I asked him to tell me what he's looking for. I explained that I am willing to try different things so that we can become in toned. He feels as if he needs to come out of his comfort zone and try new things. I would have to say that you need to talk to him to find out what's wrong or what he desires. Some men are just accustomed to being in their comfort zone that it?s very hard to step outside. Good Luck I hope this helps
I am assuming you didn't have sex until "later" due to religious reasons. Is that right? In that case, there may be some other issues going on that the typical advice will not cover. (We also did not have sex until we were married, but my DH had previous partners.)
Do you think maybe he sees you as the virginal princess instead of a hot mama? Do you think he has been programmed so long to resist sex that now he is a little hesitant?
If you aren't opposed to drinking, maybe each of you have a glass of wine to relax a little (just one glass). Take a night where each of you gets to ask for exactly what you want in bed, and the other one will do it (w/in boundaries if needed). I still get frustrated with my husband sometimes, but just remember that it takes a long time to get good.
How long have you been married? I think you should expect it to take about a year if you waited to have sex for things to be in a better swing. Maybe see if he is open to using a vibrator in bed & having you orgasm before he ever penetrates. Good luck!