Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
3rd time planning, (long read)
I'm sorry this will be such a long read, grab your drink and get comfy! I truly need to vent.
We have been together 7yrs and engaged for 2 of them. We are 40+ yrs old, have our own home and lives. We had our wedding planned in less than 2wks of getting engaged! Just had to find the hall. (we are paying for everything) I thought we all got along well and actually thought his mother was a friend. My mistake.
We have canceled our wedding twice due to his parents and sister (who is in her late 20's and we will call Tracy). This time, I am planning in total secrecy. Only our wedding party knows and can be fully trusted. They have also been on the receiving end of the horrible drama! I will also try and just keep it to the key points of what has happened.
This is how it started... He wanted 3 people on his side, so I added his SIL to my party, she is a wonderful and kind person and the only other person I would have considered asking.
Unbeknownst to me, his mom did not take that well. She went behind my back and called my FH, saying "She (me) would put Tracy in the wedding party if he thought it was ok" She insists his sister be included. Now, keep in mind, his mom tries to force 'Tracy', a grown woman, on everyone and in everything "Lord forbid its not about Tracy" in any way. Tracy is a very manipulative, disrespectful, two-faced and, well, a flat out liar. She is only nice when you serve her purpose. For several years I tried giving her the benefit of doubt, many chances, 'forgotten' how she is and just flat out removed myself from the area when she gets out of hand. I don't hate her, I just have no respect for someone like that. Why would I want her in my wedding party!? Lucky for me, he was smart enough to call me and see if it was true (he knows how they are) before he said anything, either way. He tells her politely "I (him) want 3 on my side, she (me) only added 1 more because I wanted 3" He does have my back on this whole mess. I am very lucky!!
Anyways, jump a few months ahead to find out, his mother has been running her mouth to anyone who has an ear about how horrible I am for not putting 'Tracy' in the wedding party and how much I hate her and how he needs to 'MAKE ME DO WHAT SHE WANTS' I kid you not, those are her words. It got so out of hand, his dad even got involved and told my FH he "Had to put Tracy in the party because he didn't want to hear about it any more" and that he was being "less than family for not doing it"
Instead of putting her in the wedding party, which neither of us wanted to do, we found something else to include her in, but it just wasn't good enough for his parents. Or his sister, as we found out several months later, from them running their mouths. His sister spread several lies and nastiness between my FH and his mom, causing even more pain for him. Once again, putting him in the middle. We postponed the wedding 7 months, thinking it would calm down.
He talked to his sister and thought they agreed on what her roll in our wedding was. Weeks later, he gets an email from his dad... AN EMAIL! - once again about how horrible we are, how dare we and shame on us for not doing what they want. How Tracy is devastated she has no part in the wedding (um, what?) and his mom is hurt that we could be so mean. I also get an email from his sister, saying how everything I found out that's been said is not true, she didn't start anything and it's all their moms fault. How she doesn't want to be in our wedding and she doesn't understand where all this is coming from. She even had the nerve to blame the SIL for this!! I showed my fianc? what his sister sent. We both had a serious melt down!! After 2 days of trying to figure out what to do, we decided to just flat out cancel everything.
It has now been over a year since we told them we "are canceling the wedding due to their made up drama and the stress it has created for us." and yes, those were our words.
We are getting married in just under 7 months and we are literally waiting till the last second to send out invites. Has anyone else had to deal with something so bad? We keep walking away from their drama, but I am scared as soon as the invites go out it'll start all over again! I honestly don't think either one of us could be polite any more. It's hard enough to deal with the little digs and back handed comments they still pull, like I said, we just walk away from it.
Re: 3rd time planning, (long read)
Sure, they're terrible and in the wrong, but you should have just ignored it and carried on. By playing into it, you've only given them more power, and you're no happier for it.
I honestly can't understand postponing your wedding because of how they were acting. That and the secrecy over your current wedding date seem a bit drama queen to me. And with you being an older couple, I would have expected more maturity in handling a frustrating situation. You could have stood firm on your plans and refused to discuss it with them further, and if you had, you'd already be married and have all this behind you by now.
Your wedding is about you two getting married. It's not about who is in the wedding, it's about the Bride and Groom. Stop talking to them about the plans for the wedding. And for the love of God, do NOT cancel this one. If they send an email, don't respond, if they call one of you, firmly say "it's not up for discussion" and hang up. Firmly tell them, we are getting married on this date, at this time, hope you come and we aren't discussing the wedding party or what you want at our wedding.
Geez, I get your FIL is having to listen to the looney women in his life but he is as out of line as they are. Are you SURE you want to marry into this mess?
I completely agree with this. You guys are way too old for this drama. Heck, I'm 28 and I feel way too d for all that drama. You shouldn't let them prevent you from getting married. Elope if you have to.
why on earth would you cancel a wedding 2x because of drama? so you let them get that far under your skin to cancel twice?! come on already. perhaps dh needs to 'stop pushing tracy and talking sh!t or you wont be invited at all' to them....
You shouldn't have postponed your wedding, especially not over this immature nonsense.
Now it's going to look like you made some effort but ultimately didn't care and carried on with your plans, possibly making them even more hysterical ... mind you, carrying on with your plans is exactly what you should have done in the first place! Instead, now you've set a precedent for them to pester you with their requests until you give in.
You don't need to plan in secrecy, just stop sharing anything wedding-related with them. Not their business.
Me too, that's what we had!
ELOPE!
(and know that you are signing onto a lifetime of these crazy people!)
This. Although if you cancelled your wedding not once but twice due to stupid drama, I suspect you probably don't really want to get married.
Why on earth did you cancel everything twice over this?
I'm 28 (was 23 when I got engaged, 25 when I was married), and honestly, I can tell you right now I would have either just added this chick in as a bridesmaid (Yes, in spite of the "horror" that apparently is uneven sides) to keep the peace or just told my in-laws to suck it because it wasn't their wedding and forged ahead as planned.
I can't even fathom just canceling everything (twice, no less) over something so ...stupid.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating