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Really Long Story - Dating, Pregnant, Frustrated
Background: BF and I met in October of last year on a dating website. I'd just gotten out of a serious dating relationship, and prior to that had been married. I'm now 26, and he is 30. At the time we met, I had custody of my nephew and we started off in a great relationship. We moved in together after just 3 months, after my sister regained custody of my nephew. His roommate moved out (he owns a house), and needed a rental income. My lease was up on my apartment, so we dove in. Considering he works nights and I work days, it gave us the chance to see one another a little more often.
Around late June/early July, we got into a rut. He was working 4-5 nights a week (12 hour shifts), I was working full time, and both going to school. We both confirmed that we wanted to be together and work on our relationship. Then two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.
I decided that I was not going to terminate the pregnancy, for many reasons. And I was honest with him once I had made that decision. I told him I'd never force him to parent, and we could learn to co-parent if he didn't want to continue our relationship. He decided he'd rather live with me, and our future baby, than be without me.
Insert: Awful in-laws. They thought I was the best thing since sliced bread... until I was pregnant. Now I'm controlling, money-hungry, and all I want to do is live off him and steal his house. They have called me fat, told him that our child will ruin his life. The list goes on. It took him weeks (probably 12 weeks) to finally stand up to them. In the midst of all this, I had left him once for his inability to grow up and make his own decisions, instead of letting his parents make them for him. He's 30... ugh.
I've told him over and over that his parents love him, and I know their hearts were in the right place. They wanted to protect their only son. But their actions were wrong. I'd still never come between them and him. I even invited them to his 30th birthday that I hosted (they chose not to come).
As the pregnancy progressed, he's become very lazy. Even at 6.5 months pregnant, I work over 40 hours a week, take care of the dog, get the house ready for our daughter, do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, pack his lunches, etc. I do all of it. I help him figure out his class schedule with school, with homework. I'm now his mother, not a partner. I admit to snooping through his computer, iPad and texts a bit. I've discovered he opens e-mails from dating websites on occasion, and even discovered he went to the ashley madison website (no profile - as far as I know. No profile views.) I really don't think he's cheating.
I've expressed my frustration and feeling of being neglected to him on several occasions. I recently told him I had started to look at apartments. He has cried and told me he loves me, and doesn't want me to leave. How he wants to be together. But yet... I can't get him to help me around the house. All he wants to do is go out and hang out with friends, or drink. He's failing to realize we have to get the construction-zone of a house ready for our daughter, due in 3 months.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I think our relationship went into overdrive overnight with the pregnancy, and he can't cope. I also think he's afraid he's settling and something better may come along. And I think he just doesn't want to grow up. We have a couple of friends who are now expecting a baby - he's not the only one in our circle of friends.
I get two reactions from close friends and families when I vent about my situation. Either A) Give him until the baby comes and see if he's any better; or 
You should leave, he isn't treating you like a man should treat the woman he loves, and is carrying his child.
Thoughts?
Re: Really Long Story - Dating, Pregnant, Frustrated
I'm going with B.
Reasons why: He is 30 and his parents are over involved in his life. It's one thing to be worried or concerned for your child, when your child finds himself in an adult situation (this one), you don't go and slam the other person. You tell your child to man up and be an adult. He was raised wrong and they will do this his whole life.
Next reason, you feel like a keeper or mother rather than a partner or spouse. See the reason above, he was raised wrong.
But this stands out to me above the rest. You know what you need to do, looking at a new place for yourself and your child, telling him from the start you will do this on your own. You know he won't be a good father, you know he won't step up.
As a mother to a daughter, I'll tell you, it's scary. You HAVE to be the example to her. Show her what she deserves and should expect out of a man.
Bu
there is nothing about this relaitionship to fight for.
my advice to you is to stay single for a long time. you seem to go from one man to another. time to focus on your and your baby.
B.
You told him you would leave and you didn't, so now he's calling your bluff. He has made it clear by his actions that his words have no meaning, and he has no intention of following through with any of the promises he's made. Why would he? He doesn't believe that you will actually leave if he doesn't shape up.
If you wait until the baby is born, you'll just have one more excuse for why the timing isn't right to leave and he will continue to walk all over you.
B
I promise you that things won't get any better after the baby is born. AFTER the baby is born is typically when the marriage/relationship gets way harder.
I agree. Going with option B. I do predict you will stick around though.....
Crying isn't really showing a change, it is manipulation. Get out and get ready for the baby. It will be harder to move with a baby then to get your stuff in order, hell you are already doing everything now. I agree you will pick option A and really dig a big hole for yourself. Staying is NOT going to give him a reason to change.
I'd also get legal advice and I'd think twice about giving your daughter his last name. You can bet his folks will be greatly involved since he seems tied to them. Protect yourself now. Get it together so you can leave when you finally realized you moved too quickly with this guy. Good luck.
B is your only true option.
Thank you, ladies. I appreciate all the feedback and that you took time to read my giant posting. I really do think he wants me to stay and loves me, just doesn't know how to treat me like a partner should.
Time will tell what I decide to do. I'm afraid of making a mistake and regretting it.
I do think I should speak to a family attorney (I'm a paralegal, myself).
The hardest part is not blaming myself. Our daughter was a surprise - but I only recommitted myself to us as a family (married or not) when I found I was pregnant. He fell to pieces.
I know it won't get better when she's here. I know he stress a baby puts on a relationship financially and emotionally.
I have this overwhelming feeling of failing my unborn daughter. I blame myself.
Ugh. Sounds like it may be time to see a therapist. Maybe couples counseling?
Couples counseling only works if both people want it and work to save the relationship. Counseling is not a magical cure that turns a lazy manchild into a dependable, mature partner.
He's showing you his true colors - this is what he does when things start to get stressful, he regresses into a little boy and becomes worthless. But sweetheart, things haven't even gotten that stressful yet, you are both going to be in for a rude awakening when that baby is born. His world is about to come crashing down, and you'll be changing his diapers too - while his parents stand around and bad mouth you - soon enough. If you think it's hard working and taking care of the dog and the house and his lazy butt while pregnant, it's going to be 200 times harder doing all of that while also taking care of a newborn on 3 hours of sleep every night.
But it sounds like you're going to stay no matter what. Good luck, you're making your own bed that you will have to sleep in.
The only way to fail her is to have her dragged down by a loser. Good Luck, you are going to need it.
I don't understand how you could have any respect for a man who is too afraid of mommy and daddy to set them straight when they call you a fat, gold-digging whore, but maybe that's just me.
It sounds like you're already a single parent to a 30-year-old man, and if you don't get out of this relationship, your daughter is going to grow up thinking that laziness, cowardice, and a lack of respect are qualities to look for in a partner.
"Only time will tell" is a ridiculous way of looking at this situation. YOU have the power to change things. This relationship isn't going to morph into something it isn't by chance. Relationships are all about choices. Your boyfriend is making poor choices, and you are compounding that with your choice not to leave. Take control of your own life and do what's right for your daughter.
I agree. For being 26 and divorced, just having gotten out of another serious relationship and now in another serious relationship with a guy and pregnant - it does seem like you're wrapping yourself up in relationships too quickly and easily. Just because you are having a baby with this guy - does that really mean that you want to spend your life with him as well?
It doesn't seem like he is going to be the partner that you want him to be and he is making this very clear. Perhaps getting your own apartment should be more of an action plan than a threat. You move out, have the baby, he pays child support. You want to get back together and live together, he needs to change first and evidence that to you. He doesn't - well enough then. You're out and on your own anyway, time to focus on you and your daughter.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
All he wants to do is hang out with friends and drink? Run like hell -- you don't need a life with an overgrown frat boy.
I don't think he will grow up and I don't think the situation will improve.
Cut your losses and go. Move out; retain an attorney so that you will get child support; I don't know about visitation, being that he's now drinking a lot; he could also have a nice sized alcohol problem.
His family just plain sucks; you don't need that, either. GL.
Wow, I am sorry you are going through this.
I have input from both perspectives: A & B, LOL. But I'm 57 now and have a lifetime of experience. It may or may not help you. I have two children, both from failed birth control. OK, this will be long..........
My son is 25. I had him when I was 31. His dad was NEVER in the equation, because unknown to me, he was engaged to a woman living out of state. I raised my son alone, and he's got a Master's Degree and living in DC, has a great job and a girlfriend.
When my son was 2, I met another man and we had a great relationship....... except for the fact he was immature. We dated mostly on, sometimes off, for 5 years, always breaking up due to his immaturity, plus he was not really nice to my son who had ADHD. But, 5 years into our relationship a different form of birth control failed and I got pregnant again. We planned on working on our relationship, I bought a house (I had a home to sell, he had nothing but debt) and we moved in together. Again, we have relationship issues and LIVE together. That lasted 5 years, through family counseling, but he never changed. I had to end the relationship because of how he treated my son. It was tough, asking my daughter's dad to leave, but the counseling went nowhere. As a mother, my son had to come first. My daughter is now 18, and she has been close to her father all along. As she's gotten older I've explained the reasons her Dad no longer lives here, and she's come to understand with a more adult heart while I hated to have her Dad leave, she knows a Mother's job is to protect her children. Unfortunately it felt like "Sophie's Choice", deciding which of my kids I had to stand up for, but with a lot of work and attention to my children, it has worked out well. She talks to her Dad daily, and he's been very involved.
I waited 8 years after he left before I dated again, because I wanted to make my home a place that felt like the loving home I grew up in. I met a wonderful guy online, we dated 4 years, and married in August 2011. He moved into my home.
My husband has a daughter who is now 20, got pregnant with her first daughter at 18, that relationship didn't work out. She got pregnant a year later, and now has another daughter, and this relationship isn't working out. She barely survived high school, graduated and had her first daughter a month after HS graduation. She doesn't work, doesn't go to school, and lives with her two daughters in my husband's former home that he pays ALL the expenses for.
The only reason I mention this last paragraph, is to show you that I am familiar with a few different scenarios.
You have a job, and apparently could provide for your daughter after she is born. Daycare is expensive, and hopefully you have family members that can take some of that burden away from you by watching your baby part or all of the time you work, at least for a while.
Life and relationships are not "home runs", they are a series of singles. There are ups and downs. Decisions can be done, or un-done, and we never really know whether they were right or wrong until later. I was very lucky, knew I always wanted to be a Mom, and had a job with good benefits, secure enough to support my first child alone. I am an only child, my children are my parents only grandchildren, and I can say it has NEVER been easy. But it has been rewarding.
So, after all that typing, I guess my answer is a bit different than those you've received. None of us internet "strangers" can tell you exactly what will happen. I suspect your boyfriend will not change, and you will be a single mom to your daughter at some point. Children do strain relationships, even strong married ones. However, I suspect the love you have for your boyfriend, and your fear of ending this entirely and being alone gives you pause as to whether you should do it NOW or wait. As I said, life and relationships are a series of singles, not "home runs". My favorite line from one of my favorite movies (Parenthood) is something like this: "There is no end zone in parenting.......you never get to spike the ball". Life is like that too. You can make decisions based on the information you have at the moment, and if it's wrong, you can fix it. Based on my life experiences, you can go for counseling, cross your fingers, and hope his behavior, his tied-with-apron-strings relationship to his parents will change, and he will see the light and fall totally back in love with you and your daughter, do the right thing, and change. That's a lot of "ifs". Sounds sort of like those feel good fairy tale stories/movies, doesn't it? But, other than the fact you will be dealing with a tremendous amount of stress in the interim, as well as hormones and a baby, I see no problem with trying to fix it beforehand. The only difference in waiting is you'd be moving with a baby, more "stuff".
I think you should sit down and write a letter to yourself, or just a list of things that are wrong with your relationship, the environment you are surrounded by, and then a list of things that are good about it. You then need to give this to him, have his undivided attention, and a long discussion about what he plans to do to improve this situation. It can be a letter to him if you want........you need to do this in writing, while you can think clearly, and without the emotional tug, or anger, that can happen when you are talking.
You've been married and divorced, recently ended another relationship before this one. You've had little success in this area. Some of us (myself included, LOL), never get to the point of making a successful partner choice until later in our lives. But that doesn't mean we can't be wonderful mothers who bring our children into the world, making it as good as possible for them alone. With every decision I made in my life, it was always about my kids. I was making THEIR childhood memories with every decision....I can still remember being 2 years old, or 5 years old, and while each and every day is not clear, I do remember being loved and the center of everything my parents did. You will now be the one making those memories for another.
I will also say that it takes an incredible amount of emotional and physical support from family to be a single parent. I was lucky, my Mom was retired from her job when I had my son, and she was more than willing to watch him for the first year, EVERY day, so I could adjust to motherhood and working full time before taking on the financial responsibility of day care. That was a gift for which I am still incredibly grateful. But we can't all get that, and you need to discuss this with close family. You don't mention your parents all at in your post. What are their feelings? Our parents always know us best, and know our strengths and weaknesses.
I see no harm in waiting with his caveat: IF HE HAS EVER BEEN ABUSIVE, EITHER PHYSICALLY OR VERBALLY, MOVE OUT NOW. If he has not shown such traits, but shows it even once, MOVE OUT. Motherhood is all encompassing, and you MUST do everything to protect your child.
Good luck dear. I wish you the best.