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Now what? -long-
Not really sure where to start.. DH and I have been together for 5 years. When we first met he pursued me but I had absolutely no interest in him romantically. We ended up becoming really good friends and after a few months we ended up giving "us" a shot. Things moved really quickly and we moved in together right away and got engaged soon after. All along I felt something was missing but figured it was just a case of cold feet.
Anyway, we have now been married for 3 years and have a beautiful daughter. This spring/summer I started feeling really disconnected from DH and completely unattracted to him. We went to couples therapy a few times but DH really didn't like the therapist and refused go again but I went a few more times alone.
I feel like part of the reason I have lost the attraction to him is he was really absent for a lot of my pregnancy and the first 6-9 months of DD's life. Just going out with the guys a lot, being involved with a few sports teams, staff committees and so on.. He promised to work at being more present and help me out more and he's been a lot better but I don't feel any different.
A few months ago I nearly left, I just couldn't see anyway of rekindling a spark that may not have ever really been there. DH convinced me to give it 3-6 months of 110% effort on both our parts and at that point if it's still not working we can part ways knowing we tried.
So now it's been 3 months and we both have been giving it 110%, going on dates, spending more time together as a family, even had sex a couple times. And I don't feel any different. But now DH feels like everything is perfect again and I don't know how to explain that I still don't think it's going to get any better for me. I don't know what else to try.
Any suggestions?? I want things to work out for our daughter's sake but I feel like I've already emotionally checked out..
Re: Now what? -long-
That's a tough one. I know when my husband has disappointed me, I feel less attracted to him. And it takes some time to get over that hump. So I'd say that's normal. But, it seems it's been going on for some time with you guys, which is not ok.
During therapy, did you discuss his absence and the impact it had on your relationship?
It's very possible you just rushed into things with him and in retrospect it was a bad idea. Now it's just becoming clearer to you.
I don't know... if it were me, I'd give it some more time (you said your vows, you had a child with him - I don't think it's appropriate to throw in the towel just yet). Perhaps try a different counselor, give it a year, and reassess.
Sorry you're in this situation. Best of luck.
Has his behavior and priorities changed towards you and your daughter? Is he still going out with his friends? Are his actions telling you that you guys are important to him or has he only made promises without the actions to back them up?
You said you figured out part of the reason why you're emotionally checked out, and it sounds to me like you need to take some time to figure out what else is going on, because clearly that isn't your only issue.
I will say, though, your first paragraph concerns me. If weren't really into him to begin with, but rushed into a relationship even though you felt something was missing all along.... you may have just married the wrong person. Then again, I can only go off what you wrote.
that being said i have a few questions which might lead to some things you can change or experiment with:
1. what do you mean when you're 'emotionally checked out'? what are you expecting to happen? you mention losing attraction for him, but what does that mean to you? is it just you don't want to get close to him? do you not enjoy his conversation/company? etc. define this a little better both for our sake to help you, and for your own piece of mind. what does "Better" look like?
2. what are YOU doing to make YOU happy? it sounds like you rely a lot on him to make you happy ...wanting him around more, going on dates, having sex etc. what you might not realize is that if you are unhappy elsewhere, your attitude might translate to those times when you're together. (not that i'm saying you are), but something like depression affects your WHOLE life, not just one area of it. Our lives aren't as compartmentalized as we might think. Perhaps you should make sure that you're spending quality time with yourself, and feeling fulfilled in all areas of your life (do you do fun craft projects, see your friends, do fun things with your daughter, cook if you enjoy it, shop or see movies, etc?) Sometimes I enjoy times when hubby is out of the house, cuz I can watch chick flicks and play computer games. lol he comes home to a happy wife!
3. are you taking care of yourself? poor food choices and lack of activity can lead to feeling apathetic or un-attracted to your hubby. I just went through this a bit. for about 2-3 weeks I didn't really wanna get close at all. Turns out - i just needed to work out more, sleep more regularly and eat more protein/veggies. i'm more energetic, happier, and suddenly enjoy cuddles and kisses a lot more.
*shrug* just some ideas.
good luck!
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Indeed this is a tough one. If you've emotionally checked out, I do not think counseling is going to work.:(
Get evaluated for depression.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013