All I ever wanted

jesslca113

It's been a long time since I've been on here, but I didn't know who else to turn to.

My husband and I just got married in October.  He is all I've ever wanted.  Handsome, smart, driven, funny... I could go on and on.  From our first date I knew I wanted to marry this man.  I never doubted that, ever.  Now, let me back track a bit.  This is my 2nd marriage, his 1st.  I got married young, to my high school sweetheart.  It ended in disaster, even though I tried to save it.  I never wanted to be divorced, let alone be divorced so young.  But when I met my hubby all of my concerns went away. Now I am struggling with the fact that I am married.  Not necessarily who I'm married to, just that I'm married.  I wanted kids so badly and now I'm not sure.  When I was single all I wanted was a husband and kids.  Now that I'm married I don't know what I want.  I miss my single life.  I don't miss the guy aspect of my single life, I just miss being able to do what I want when I want.  I know this is all so selfish, but I can't change my feelings.  I want to be happy with my husband, but I can't seem to sort through the thoughts and feelings I have.  

Anyone else experience this? 

bridget1312

Never experienc ed like that, but it makes plenty of sense to now be married and kind of a wow factor...  its like, wow, i am now married to this man forever...  You said he is all you've ever wanted, so I'm sure this is nothing...  You can still go out and have a good time and do pretty much the same thing before the wedding day...    talk to him...  why don't you plan at least once a week for you guys to go separate and hang out with your own friends...  ??  Just a suggestion...  Getting married is a big step and things do change, but he did marry you for yoou and everything that comes with it...  He loves YOU!

Golden42

Did you live with him before you got married? I ask because I did, and honestly the day to day stuff didn't change all that much. DH and I still make sure we each have me time in addition to couple time. It is very important in a relationship. Does your H want to be together all the time? Does he mind if you go off by yourself?

jessica290

Yes, I went through something similar...Even tho hubby and I were planning an engagement, once he proposed, I had really bad doubts and anxiety for about a week after he proposed, even tho he is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was scared of being tied down and just being "married". But i went to therapy and got throught it....but even still today (been together for 6 yrs and married for 7 months) I sometimes have moments where I miss the good old days...being single, hanging out with friends (guys and girls), going on dates, no one to answer to, and just causing trouble ) BUT then I look at my parents and relatives who have been togther for years and years and how well they are doing couple wise and financial wise and just see that that is how things should be....I've seen many single people in their 40's + and they are pretty miserable because they aren't mentally stable to keep a partner and have that type of commitment to anyone and it just makes me feel really lucky!! Just imagine getting old with no one there for you at the end of the day......

jesslca113

We did live together before we were married, and we spend a lot of our time together.  I used to love that, but now I feel smothered.  I can't even remember the last time I went out without him.  I wouldn't say that he minds if I go out alone, but I have a lot of male friends and he doesn't like that.  We generally hang out with his friends because they live close to us.  Mine do not.  Prior to getting engaged I lived in the city, and H lived in the country.  He doesn't care for the city life, so I've never pushed him to go out there.  But I guess in the process I've lost that part of me.  My parents are divorced and many other family members are divorced, so I have no good example to follow.  I have thought about going to therapy to help, but I know I'd have to tell H about it and I don't want to worry him that something may be going on.  I don't even know what's going on!

jessica290

If you go to therapy, you will find out what is wrong...there is always an underlying cause for feeling the way you do if your not happy. You can just tell H that you are feeling under the weather and you just want someone to talk to. Therapy has help me tremedously and after 3 yrs of it I finally feel like I don't need it anymore and can understand myself better when I'm feeling crappy and how to fix it. Psychology is the most interesting thing  and I think everyone should see one...it would make the world a better place....

sillypuddy143

It sounds to me like you thought you were missing something before you found your husband. And now that you have one you are realizing that's not what was missing from your life. It also sounds like you could really use to make some friends in your area that you could see regularly. I would go stir crazy without mine, we don't have kids so its not unusual at all for me to see my girlfriends 1-2 times a week and for my husband to see his friends that often, and on top of that we get together in bigger groups frequently as well. Without that I would feel like I was missing something too!

 I agree with the PP that some individual therapy may help you as well, to figure out what is really making you feel that way. But you could also look into some groups for hobbies or recreational sports, anything to help keep you busy and make friends!

 Good luck! 

gymbugmj2k

it sounds to me like you just need more YOU time.

hubby and i LOVE spending time with each other (what up, marriage), but recently ive noticed we do everything together (even grocery shop). he skipped out on seeing a movie because i didnt want to go, etc.

we do have a couple hours every night that we go off on our own and play computer games, or read, or whatever we do to relax without each other...but most of our outings and conversations are with each other.  Once in awhile he'll go out to a meeting or something and I get so happy that I can watch chick flicks and run around the house doing whatever i want! =P

bottom line - be selfish with "YOU" time. that's ok. take an hour long bath if you need to. call up some friends and go do something. a happy and fulfilled wife will treat a husband a LOT better (grumpy wives tend to argue more and be unsatisfied with hubby's habits). he should be able to understand your need to keep yourself happy. he might even enjoy the fact that he can have some 'guy time' too. as long as you're both honest and understanding about how the other person feels or the concerns they bring up, then you should be okay.  if he really dislikes you out with your guy friends, then maybe have them over to the house instead of going out with them?

bridget1312

gymbugmj2k:

it sounds to me like you just need more YOU time.

hubby and i LOVE spending time with each other (what up, marriage), but recently ive noticed we do everything together (even grocery shop). he skipped out on seeing a movie because i didnt want to go, etc.

we do have a couple hours every night that we go off on our own and play computer games, or read, or whatever we do to relax without each other...but most of our outings and conversations are with each other.  Once in awhile he'll go out to a meeting or something and I get so happy that I can watch chick flicks and run around the house doing whatever i want! =P

bottom line - be selfish with "YOU" time. that's ok. take an hour long bath if you need to. call up some friends and go do something. a happy and fulfilled wife will treat a husband a LOT better (grumpy wives tend to argue more and be unsatisfied with hubby's habits). he should be able to understand your need to keep yourself happy. he might even enjoy the fact that he can have some 'guy time' too. as long as you're both honest and understanding about how the other person feels or the concerns they bring up, then you should be okay.  if he really dislikes you out with your guy friends, then maybe have them over to the house instead of going out with them?

THIS is so true!!! We too spend like all of our time together, and I love it, yet I do notice that since most of my girl friends now are mom's or constantly busy, I don't get to spend much time with them,and I do get a lil jealous that he gets to go out with his boys each week, which I am so happy he does, because he needs it!!! I just need to start finding more friends who I can spend time with, perhaps finding a new hobby...