Help My Husband is a Slob!

bmaher24

I am at my wits end! He is a slob he has gotten worse since we got married on 8/24/12, He leaves cups all over the place the kitchen is always destroyed the bedroom has dirty clothes tossed all over it  he wont fold a load of laundry he just throws clean clothes on the floor in the laundry room. I haven't seen him empty or load the dishwasher in 3 months he keeps all envelopes when he opens mail and there are other things. It is so frustrating. I travel a lot for work and when i come back from a trip It takes me 3 days to clean up the mess he has created. When I say anything to him he gets upset. I dont know how to approach it and I don't think its fair that I do all the cleaning laundry dishes and also pick up after him. Its almost to the point where he is gross. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

gymbugmj2k

this is always a tough situation, and I feel like our first reaction is to blame/accuse/complain  --- "UGH. you ALWAYS leave clothes on the floor! why cant you pick them up?"

my suggestion would be to sit down together and (CALMLY!) discuss what a 'clean house' means to both of you. Leave the "you always___" and the "i hate that you___" comments out of it.  Hubby and I did this recently, and I learned that he's perfectly ok with dirty dishes in the sink for 2-3 days, while i'd rather have them done before bed that night. It was actually kind of interesting, and we realized our preferences came from how we grew up, and is simply what we're used to.  We found ways to compromise (dishes need to be done within 24 hours of appearing in the sink. so dinner dishes one night need to be done by the time dinner is over the next night -- so we'd be washing dishes every 2 days)

 i had also explained that i feel embarrassed if people stop by and we have towels on the floor, piles of mail in the kitchen, etc. hubby didn't like us putting recyclables on the counter when the bin is in the garage.  -- so we found ways to change that.

most importantly - we do it TOGETHER (so that neither of us gets stuck with all the tasks). when taking out the garbage, i empty all the inside bins into the kitchen bag, and hubby takes that bag out to the can/street. when doing dishes, one of us washes, the other dries/puts away/empties the dishwasher. I typically vacuum/dust/clean bathrooms, but hubby takes care of the spiders and other 'gross' projects. we both do our own laundry.  

we've actually found that doing chores together gives us time to catch up and talk about things - something that we've felt we don't have as much time for as when we did while we were dating. so that's good! sometimes we'll even throw on some music and dance party while we're cleaning. haha. its all about quality time together and having pride in your home.

 

..with you traveling, yes it will be a little more complicated. so maybe you can ask that he do 2-3 jobs before you get home (dishes and general picking up?), and that you both can finish the house together.

just some ideas!

bmaher24

Im going to try some of those ideas Thank you so much!

 

Mama2TwoBoys

gymbugmj2k:

this is always a tough situation, and I feel like our first reaction is to blame/accuse/complain  --- "UGH. you ALWAYS leave clothes on the floor! why cant you pick them up?"

my suggestion would be to sit down together and (CALMLY!) discuss what a 'clean house' means to both of you. Leave the "you always___" and the "i hate that you___" comments out of it.  Hubby and I did this recently, and I learned that he's perfectly ok with dirty dishes in the sink for 2-3 days, while i'd rather have them done before bed that night. It was actually kind of interesting, and we realized our preferences came from how we grew up, and is simply what we're used to.  We found ways to compromise (dishes need to be done within 24 hours of appearing in the sink. so dinner dishes one night need to be done by the time dinner is over the next night -- so we'd be washing dishes every 2 days)

This!!!

FI and I had to have this conversation. We just grew up in seriously different households. Mine was super duper clean, and his was... super not. 

Maybe YH just doesn't notice these things because he grew up like that. FI and I worked out that he needs me to tell him specific tasks to do.  Saturdays are our days to clean, I'll tell him that I want to accomplish X, Y, and Z today, and write it down on our whiteboard on the fridge.

It takes compromise. Try to get in a routine, it helps. For us, unload dishwasher, cook dinner, load dishwasher. It doesn't even seem like a chore anymore, it's just what happens.

GL.

 

rakle99

It's very difficult to come to a happy medium when spouses are on opposite ends of the cleaning spectrum. My husband wants to live in a museum, I grew up that way and can happily live in clutter. We've been married for two and a half years, and it's something we still work very hard at.

First of all, try to find out and understand why your husband is like this. For me, I am very ADD when it comes to cleaning and organizing. I can pick something up in the kitchen to put away in the bathroom, then see something in the bathroom and completely forget about the kitchen. I will also put something down while thinking about 10 other things I need to do and completely forget about putting it away. It's also very overwhelming for me to look at a mess and figure out where to start. My husband literally has to pick something up for me and give it to me, because I just can't seem to figure out what to do first.

Over the past several years I have learned not to rush so much, and am better at picking up, but I still struggle with it. I work on only one thing at a time. When we were first married, I focused on throwing tissues away right away (I would put them on the table until I was done crying, blowing my nose, etc). Then I focused on putting my clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor. One thing at a time. And it took awhile. Some people are just like that. Your husband may be.

Another thing that makes me not care is when I bust my ass cleaning and my husband comes home and can't tell, therefore he thinks I haven't done anything. When he doesn't acknowledge what I've done and that I'm trying, I get the attitude of 'why should I bother if I'm not going to get anything out of it?". If I clean for him, and he can't tell, and it doesn't bother me, why on Earth would I do it? Now DH tries to mention that he can tell that I've done this or that, and thanks me for doing things when I pick up. It helps me stay motivated to try harder.

 Even through all these discussions, DH still doesn't understand why it's so hard for me. You may just need to lower some of your expectations, while gently encouraging him to raise his. Both of you need to bend on this. 

One thing that really helped us out was hiring a professional organizer. We hired someone who was a past counseler and specifically looked for someone who had experience with ADD adults, and it really helped our marriage. She worked with both of us, helped us find places for everything, and helped us find a way to organize things so that it's easier to put away. It was expensive to pay her and to buy the materials needed, but so worth it.

Every night we try to work on some things together, and we both have one or two goals we try to do separately. For example, he may start laundry and take out the trash, and I'll clean the kitchen, then we both fold the laundry and put it away. It doesn't take much time, we use the time to connect after being away from each other all day, and things get done.

Give it some time. Talk with him about it A LOT. But don't be insulting or discouraging. If it's hard for him to figure out what to do and see what needs to be done, he's going to really resist.  You may basically need to teach him little by little how to do it. It's not natural for some people.  

blue_elle

You've already gotten good advice. I just want to stress to be careful how you approach talking to him about this. Don't go in with the "you never" or "I have to" statements. Keep it calm. Let him know that you enjoy having a clean, organized home and that you understand he doesn't necessarily see the house as being as messy as you do. Ask him if he would mind helping and then tell him what you need help with. In all likelihood he doesn't look around and see "mess".

My husband was slobby when we met (his mommy cleaned up after him his whole life), and it's been a slow process, but it started with "hey, do you mind putting your dishes in the sink rather than on the counter. It makes it easier for me to deal with them" to "hey, can you stick that in the dishwasher" to DH now loading/unloading the dishwasher when he sees it needs to be done. I still have to ask sometimes when I need help, but he'll jump up and help when I do. When the house gets out of control I don't blame, instead I just announce that "we" have gotten messy and need to reel it in." 

Also, realize that you two really do have a different ideal for the standard of your home, and his standards may rise, but it will take time.  When you clean, don't think of it as cleaning "for him". I don't clean for my husband. I clean because I enjoy a clean house. I remind myself of that sometimes and it helps my attitude.