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No excitement?
Hi everyone, I need advice and to see if anyone has had a similar issue in their relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years, and just moved in together in September. We have been talking about getting engaged and moving back to his home state once our lease is up next year.
2 weeks ago after we had returned from a thanksgiving trip to visit his family, he told me that it finally was real that we'd be moving there and i'd be uprooting my life to go there with him, and that he wasn't 100% positive he feels the way he thinks he needs to in order to marry me. At first I was hurt, but he tells me it's not a question of whether he wants to, he just worries because he doesn't feel the excitement he felt with his last girlfriend. He says with her he had butterflies and was always excited knowing he was going to see her (they did not live together), and he doesn't always feel this excitement with me, only sometimes.
He is willing to speak to someone and made an appt for early January, but this is driving me crazy, and i'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience, I feel that maybe the same "butterflies in the stomach" feeling isn't there because 1) we life together and 2) his ex barely made time for him in their relationship. I truly want my relationship to work, so i'm hoping we can get past this.
Any relatable stories or advice would be great, thanks!
Re: No excitement?
You determine your own worth. If he's not sure about, don't lower the price. Find someone who thinks they're getting the deal of a lifetime. Starting over now will be alot easier than starting over in five -ten years when he's still dreaming about his ex.
Hard to say what's going on here.
Maybe the "butterflies" issue is more or less a moot point since the infatuation phase is over and you and he have been together for a good chunk of time.
Maybe the relationship is ending. Maybe he's getting cold feet.
What to do:
Can all of the talk about getting engaged -- and wait a bit -- maybe 6 more months -- and then see what he has to say about how he feels about you.
If he's not 100% on the bus with marrying you and being excited about a future that is a permanent one with you, cut your losses and go. Don't settle for less. GL.
you mentioned that she didn't make a lot of time for him.....this makes me wonder about the early 'butterflies' in relationships.
maybe he had butterfly feelings all the time because it was a treat when he could see her. and he was nervous as to how things were progressing/if he could keep her/etc?
hubby and I got married 4 months ago and moved in together then... our relationship DEFINITELY changed in the sense that yes, the butterflies are gone. seeing each other isn't a treat anymore. we're around each other all the time! the kisses aren't as fire-y or urgent....they're sweet and habitual. so yes, in some respects.....its sort of boring at times, and i worry that our 'spark' is gone.
but truthfully - a spark 100% of the time doesn't seem natural to me. at some point you're going to get so comfortable with each other that its just that -- comfort. no mystery, no second guessing or surprises. and that can be nice too.
maybe his idea of a relationship includes that piece of mystery/excitement. if thats the case, then work on doing more fun things together. surprise him with a walk in the park, or a dinner at a restaurant. cook together, or work on a project. maybe you two have just gotten into a routine/rut.
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I agree with PPs advice about getting in a rut and how the sparks aren't there all the time when you live together.
First, I appreciate that he is being honest with you before making you commit to a move. He's at a point where he's either going to grow out of that puppy stage of love and recognize what real commitment and love can mean - or he's not. Maybe he isn't ready for that step yet, and that is okay. We all mature at different rates. I suggest not making any future commitments until he sorts that out, though.
Second, I was actually in a similar emotional situation as your bf, I think.
Before my now-husband and I started dating, I was in a 2yr-headed-towards-the-alter relationship with a man who joined the AF after 1.5 years dating. The first little while the spark was there 100% because we were a new dating couple. The second part of the relationship the spark was there because of LDR. We never lived together. The relationship was very passionate and exciting, I treasured every moment we had together - but he went crazy and left me and tried to get me back and I said no...that's another story, though. Let's just say it was extremely hard on me, very painful.
The dating relationship with my now-husband was MUCH different. It started LDR and ended up with him moving to my state and living with me. The first few months were new and exciting. 100% sparky
However, he is a very different person from ex-bf. He is calm, steady, quiet - not very demonstrative. But he loves me, in his ways 
The crazy 100% sparky died off after the newness wore off. Things became habit. When he proposed, I said yes - I knew logically he was wonderful and I wanted to be with him. But I did have a bit of an emotional crisis. It took me some time to realize that the spark is not what makes a strong foundation for a marriage/long-term relationship. I love my husband with all my heart, and I'm so so happy I made the right choice to marry him. For me, I was just looking through rose-tinted glasses at the past, and I'm sure some of it was due to cold feet.
That spark is puppy love - It's fun and exciting and I'd be lying if I said sometimes I didn't miss it. But I miss it like I miss college or HS - like I imagine parents miss when their children were babies. I don't actually want it back - I much prefer all that comes with my quiet, steady man
There is also the potential that he's not ready for marriage or other long-term commitments and he doesn't want to screw you over. Hard to tell from the post, and it sounds like he isn't sure yet either. But at least he's trying to be honest with you - I'm sure it's driving you crazy - I'm sorry you're in this situation. ((hugs))
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Thanks so much for all the advice everyone. I truly think he needs to hear from the therapist that the excitement isn't there 100% of the time, so I figure i'll see what happens when he goes to speak with her.
I also understand where some of you were coming from saying to leave because I was being compared to the ex, and trust me this has gone through my head many times. I've always brought it up to him, and he says he knows i'm in no way like her and our relationship is healthier, it's not so much her, it's more so the excitement their relationship had (again, she was deinitely not a good girlfriend as far as being there for him and spending time together) I do love hm, I'm just working on being patient with him going to see the therapist. Worst case if he's not comfortable not having that spark 100% of the time, than I move on.
Again, thanks for all your advice!
Good for you!
It's good to come on here for advice, but you know whats going on with you two in your lives! Best wishes with everything and I hope it all works out for whatever is best for YOU!!! Have a happy holiday ATKC