Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to help friend through emotional affair
My best friend is going through a rough patch in her marriage, as her husband has had an emotional affair. At first I was naive about it and thought to myself, "well he didn't do anything physical...it's not that big of a deal, you'll get over it." It has been about 4 months and things haven't gotten better for her because she obviously feels betrayed and alone. I personally feel like she is hanging on to anger and refusing to forgive and let go. She does not want to separate or divorce so what choice does she have to forgive and move on? I hate seeing her angry and bitter all the time. I don't know what advice to give her or how to be there for her. She is going through couples and individual therapy.
Re: How to help friend through emotional affair
this.
Exactly, she has every right to be angry, hurt and to feel betrayed. She was. The best you can do now is let her talk and sympathize and try not give her a pep talk and try to get her to feel better. She might not ever feel better and if she does, it will take time.
I have never been through an affair, but I did lose a child. What I found to be most infuriating was when my friends and family wouldn't let me talk about my emotions. I was constantly met with people trying to cheer me up and to get me to be happy. I just wanted to scream, "Dear God people, I just buried my baby, just let me talk about what I am feeling and not try to cheer me up. Just let me be sad. "
Lets see at first you thought he didnt do anything bad....and now you think she is hanging onto her anger too long...
gee i wish i had a friend like you
They say an emotional affair is worse than a physical affair. I agree with that statment.
You need to let your friend be bitter, angry & however she wants. If you don't want to deal with it, then don't be her friend.
An emotional affair is bad. And to me once a spouse has an emotional affair, show that spouse the door. It is an affair, period.
off topic.
But i am sorry. My heart hurts for you.
Take it from someone who has been in her shoes...my EX-husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker. I NEVER felt so betrayed in my life!!! The text messages I found and the late night phone calls he had with this woman was so hard to see/hear. He claimed that nothing was going on but I knew something was and I could not take that. I moved out and funny how she moved in like the next day....but nothing was going on, riiiiiight! We are divorced now. Emotional affairs are still considered cheating and is extremely hurtful to those being cheated on. That was the hardest thing I every had to go through in my life! Your friend has every right to be mad...so let her be mad. She has a lot of emotions going on so the best thing you can do is let her vent, cry, scream, whatever and just listen.
Right? Seriously though, why isn't this woman justified in her feelings?
If you hate seeing your friend angry and bitter all the time, perhaps your anger should be redirected at the husband who treated her so horribly.
Maybe she's still angry and bitter after four months because her husband isn't putting in the work necessary to regain her trust and earn her forgiveness.
I can't believe you think what he did is no big deal just because things never turned physical. You don't think you would feel like _shit if your partner betrayed you like that?
Maybe she will eventually decide she wants to end the marriage. This is a very difficult situation and it's very common for people to take a long time sorting out their thoughts, trying to work through it, and deciding what they ultimately want to do. Why don't you try being a better friend instead of dismissing her completely reasonable feelings?
Thank you for the kind words. It really helped me to realize how uncomfortable a lot of people are with negative emotions. It truly felt like no one was listening to me and were always trying to get me to be more positive. Eventually, I withdrew and kept everything inside because I was tired of people saying stupid stuff like " Well at least you had her for four months, some people don't even get that."
What I mostly wanted was sympathy and validation that what I was feeling was justified not a pep talk. I understand that people wanted me to feel better, but they didn't, they only made me feel worse and guilty.
I feel really bad for your best friend because it sounds like you don't get at all where she is coming from. In fact, you are judging her reaction and feelings about this. Not cool. Just be there for her as a friend.
This happened to me. It was a HUGE betrayal. My H (soon to be EX) minimized it because it wasn't physical, just like you are doing. But he spoke to this woman every day on the phone, as soon as I left the house, or after I went to sleep at night. He texted her all the time, even when he was sitting there with me. They had phone sex, he told her all kinds of things about me and our marriage that felt like a huge betrayal, etc. All intimacy in our marriage suddenly left, because he transferred that role to this other woman.
Anyway, I think that four months is not that long. Especially if her H is not doing and saying all the right things.
I feel like I was reading my life there for a second. My ex-husband did the EXACT same thing....the texts, the phone calls, everything! I never felt so betrayed in my life!!!! Good luck with your divorce...I've been there, it's hard!
Good for her getting into therapy both as a couple and individual. I do hope that they can work things out.
As some other PP have said, I'm not sure there is much for you to do... other than make it clear to her that you're there for whatever support she needs. Remind her through different outlets (text, phone, facebook msg) that if she ever needs to vent that you'll be a listening ear. Or if she needs a night away for some space that you'll gladly get dinner.
I also agree that an emotional affiar is probably worse than a physical one, and it is a big deal. Flame me all you want, but I had an emotional affair while married without realizing it. Once I realized what was going on, it was too late, although I was check out from my marriage anyways, and completely in love with my best friend. I can't imgine how it would feel on the other end, to know your spouse has found a rock in someone other than you, and that someone else is their everything.
Try to put yourself in her shoes a little, and be there for her in whatever way you can.
Thanks ToneGirl! I hope you are doing better now, it sounds like you are. It was so painful when I discovered it but now I am doing much better. Divorce court was two weeks ago and it will be final next March.