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Need help to deal with MIL
I'm new to this site and really need some advice before the holidays are here.
Here's the story in short. My husband grew up in a very unstable home. By the time he was 12, his parents divorced and basically his mom made sure they couldn't be around their dad but yet when she had them she was never around. He had to take care of his younger siblings, 4 of them I might add, while she was out partying and blowing all the child support money. There were times when they wouldn't even have dinner and she would bring home food only for her and eat it in front of them and only would have to say "you get fed at school I don't want to hear it". So fast forward some years, I've been with my husband all together including dating, engaged, marriage 8 years. I know how this woman is and I'm really tired of it continuing to bother me and not doing anything about it. She treats my husband the worst of all the kids for some reason, maybe because he's the oldest.
She is the type to chew my husband out via text or phone call for no good reason or because she doesn't get her way. And a week later will talk to him and act like nothing has happened and want him to do something for her. She only calls or has anything to do with my husband when she wants something from him or wants him to do something. It's a monthly ritual now (or at least I call it that) she will curse him out, blame him for something, get mad, and run her mouth saying how horrible my husband is. She takes sides with her kids a WHOLE lot, even much so we all went out one time and she paid for everyone's stuff except for me and my husband's. My husband cannot stand to argue with her b/c he says it doesn't do any good she won't change. I just feel that he needs to stand up for himself. He's a grown man who has never relied on her at all. He's the only one of his siblings to own his own home, vehicle, and pay his bills. All his other siblings who have been out of high school for 4+ years, excluding one who's still in high school, and they all live with their parents, don't pay any of their bills but yet say they are broke all the time.
Anyways, that wasn't as short as I hoped and there are so many more dreadful, detailed stories I could tell. I just want to know how to deal with it. My husband and I never seperate ourselves on the holidays b/c we are our own family now. But, that means I'm going to have to put up w/ his mom who will probably put on her false personality in front of her new husband like always and act like everything is peachy. When inside of me, I'm wanting to chew her out and put her in her place. Of course the hubby is going to act like nothing happened as well and won't ever say anything to her. He's started standing up for himself a little more but not like he should. I just have a bad feeling, and I feel like it's going to involve me being so angry that I will go off if she says one negative thing about my husband. She's very two faced about me, if she says anything about me it's behind my back and never to my husband. I could care less if she talks about me I'm tired of her treating my husband like a piece of crap when he's the only one who's made something of himself and never asked for help.
Re: Need help to deal with MIL
I didn't mean he never argues back with her. I meant he's done it soooo much his whole life and since we've been together and tried to get his point across to her, but no matter what she will still act the same and never change. That's why he just doesn't even try to fight back about things, unless it's something huge and he feels he needs to say something. Because most of the time, she argues with him over the pettiest things, that not even the most uptight person in this world would even care about.
If your MIL is such a piece of crap, then why do either of you subject yourselves to being around her?
The solution seems pretty simple to me - don't see her. If you and your H want to spend time with the rest of the family that you do not have this problem with, then invite them to your house without her. But do not stoop to her level and complain to them about her. And if she asks why she doesn't get to see you or is not invited to your home, then tell her why. Or not. And tell your H to grow a pair. Don't answer her calls/respond to texts. She talks behind your back? Who cares? Let her. Just ignore her. If you ignore a troll long enough, eventually they go away.
Well as you can see, arguing with her isn't working. As the say, actions speak louder than words. Your husband now needs to make some action. That means, not talking to her, not answering phone calls ( I would even block her number), seeing other family members outside of her and just overall cutting her out of his life. She adds nothing to his life besides misery anyways.
One thing I have learned is that just because someone has a genetic link to you, that doesn't mean they deserve to be in your life. Would he let a friend, coworker, boss, subordinate treat him this way ? Why should his family be any different.
I also understand that cutting his mom out of his life is easier said than done. That is why I would recommend seeking out the counsel of a trained professional. Someone he can talk to, get advice from; but mostly give him the tools to cope with his family.
Your MIL sounds a tad bit worse than mine. But similar. Basically my MIL favors DH's sister. She's constantly giving her money, helped raise her kids, took her to Paris, paid her rent, moving costs 3 times, etc. (much more stories here too). And worst part is on FB she posts how awesome and independent DH's sister is. Never about DH. And he's the only independent one.
So a few weeks ago I decided if DH can live with it then so can I. And why am I stressing? He knows how his family is and chooses to be treated this way. I prioritized a list of things that are important to me to worry about and his family didn't make the list. They are who they are, and they won't change regardless what anyone says. So I devote no extra effort to them. I'm pleasant while doing family gatherings and then when I'm not around them, I focus on other stuff. I don't swell on things about them anymore. I've also stopped all negative talk regarding my in-laws to my DH. This has helped our relationship a ton!
I would just chalk it up to she's crazy and move on. Your DH is choosing to continue a relationship with her, so for now, I'd just be supportive of him. GL though, it's a tough spot to be in!
Why did you marry somebody who can't stand up for himself?
The only thing I can suggest: if she was so horrible to him as a kid and if she is still horrible, he needs to cut her off for good.
Therapy for him to cope with the years of mistreatment at her hand.
GL.
I'm going to go against the grain here a bit... it's his problem and he's handling it his way. She berates HIM, she picks on HIM, she makes disparaging comments about HIM. It doesn't sound like she's going out of her way to do these things to you (outside of "talking behind your back"). While I agree with the other statements here in that he is being a total wimp, it's his prerogative. His Mom, his problem, his way of handling.
I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to change how my husband deals with his parents,i.e. "say this" or "do that" or "why didn't you say this?" Furthermore I would get frustrated when he didn't handle things in a way I deemed warranted or appropriate. But, after a while I realized - it's his problem, not mine. And he can handle it how he sees fit. (For the record, this only stands when issues don't directly affect me, that's a different ball game for us, he's on board).
I know it's frustrating to see someone you love deal with that kind of crap. But in my opinion, as long as your MILs bullsh!t isn't directly impacting you or your relationship, then stay out of it, don't fight his battles. If need-be, don't spend the holidays with her or keep your visits short.
That's exactly what I have said before. But he says "she's my mom, no matter how horrible she is I'm going to love her no matter what. I'm not going to be the one feeling bad when she's gone b/c I know I tried my best and never treated her like crap"
He's never been to therapy, probably won't ever. It really doesn't bother him, whatever she says it goes in one ear and out the other with him. He doesn't let it phase him at all. I'm the one who gets mad b/c I don't think she should be like that towards him. He does have a relationship with his dad but not much of one. His dad says "love you" to everyone one of his kids but I think I have only heard him say it to my DH maybe 4 or 5 times. It's like they hold it against him for raising their kids and being able to do better than they ever did at his age.
I was in a similar situation to you. The difference was that the woman was DH's step-mom. He put up with her bs because he wanted a relationship with his father (DH's mother passed away when he was young). DH's father allowed StepMIL to act the way she did all of dh's life, so he was no prize, but DH wanted that relationship, and I wasn't going to tell him he couldn't see his dad.
It is VERY hard for a child to distance him/herself from a parent, especially if there has been abuse their entire life. It is ALSO hard since his siblings are all living with her or being supported by her. And they're not old enough to realize what a tool their mother is.
It helps A LOT if you remove yourself from the relationship. I stopped managing their relationship. If his stepmom called, I let him pick up the phone. I stopped going over unless there was a major holiday where his other siblings would be around. No more "visiting" with just the kids. DH was in charge of gifts, cards, etc. If he complained about her I would reply "well, you know how she is...." I did not go into what a b*tch she was, etc.
Eventually DH cut off his dad and his stepmom (and a couple of siblings) from his life. I think once he was "on his own" in dealing with the relationship (without help from me) he realized how much effort it was and how f*cked up it was.
I also don't think it's so horrible that MIL pays for the dinner for the kids still living with her, but expects her married son with his own job and home to pay his own way. That is not a sign that she is out to get him - it's a sign that she is treating him like an adult.
I don't think it's horrible if she's paying for the teenager who is still in school, she should. I think it's horrible that she's paying for the kids (or should I say adults) that are in their 20's, either live with her or their dad, and pay no bills. But I guess that's why we have our own things b/c we don't expect anyone to pay our way for us.
It's just a big mess of years of drama, even before I came along. I know my parents don't talk to one another but they have been cordial in public settings. Her on the other hand will avoid his father at all costs, so much so that on my DH senior night in high school, you're supposed to walk out with both of your parents. B/c he asked his dad to walk with him as well she refused to walk out unless he didn't let his dad. He told her well that's your loss b/c you are both my parents, and either you want to be a part of my night or not, I've asked it's your choice and she chose to not even go that night.
Just wrap that mother into any situation you can think of and that's how she acts. No matter what it is she makes it about herself and it's not changing so I can see why he doesn't let it bother him anymore b/c there's only so many times you try to fight back and make a point and it doesn't make a difference. It actually bothers her more and gets under her skin when he doesn't say anything back to her, that's why most of the time he doesn't.
Needless to say your MIL sounds like a real peach. But bottom line - you can't dictate the terms of your husband's relationship with his Mom. He's figured out the best way to handle her while still maintaining a relationship. All you can do is support him and follow his lead.
Maybe he will figure it out on his own one day, come to the realization that she is not someone worth having in his life, and cut ties. Maybe not. You have to be there one way or the other. You're his wife - that doesn't mean you determine the course of his relationships with family, that doesn't mean you fight his battles, that doesn't mean you insist he fights back. You support him in his choices. (Again, I must stress that this ONLY stands if she doesn't not directly hurt you - which doesn't include being pissed off when she upsets him!).
Best of luck to you both.
It sounds like she did him a favor by being a pos of a mom to him compared to the rest of the siblings. They all sound like they will turn out to be losers. He survived and is handling her the only way he can and not make himself miserable. She wrecked his childhood and until he sees what an abusive wretch she was and still is then he deals with her the way he trained himself as a child. It is unfortunate he doesn't seek counseling since it would make a difference. In the meantime you need to step back. It's hard when you want to protect him and give her a piece of your mind, but it won't help. She is not going to change and not worth it. Seriously, do you think a woman who eats in front of her hungry children is capable of feeling bad for her actions? There is no reason for you to invite her and if he does just act civil.
I would discuss with your DH your feelings if ever you decide to have children what her involvement with them would be.
Ideally, your husband needs to realize that she does not love him, and is in fact abusive. A person who loves her children doesn't eat in front of them while they starve. Your MIL sounds a lot like my grandmother, who actually has narcissistic personality disorder. It's very common for a narcissist to single out one of her children for maltreatment, while spoiling the others in order to ensure their loyalty to and continued dependence on her well into adulthood. Then she can guilt trip the child that she's treated like _shit into continuing to do things for her (but never reciprocating), and when that child stands up for himself, she goes running to the other kids whining about what a selfish jerk he is and how he's turning his back on faaaaamily.
I agree with him that she isn't going to change. That doesn't mean that the two of you have to put up with her, though. It sounds like he needs to cut her out of his life. Even if he won't do that, you can. You wouldn't be out of line in opting out of spending time with her. Tell your husband he's free to have whatever kind of relationship he wants to with her, but you won't be involved.
That sounds just like her. Anytime he has stood up she will go running to his siblings and make up lies about stuff and won't even tell the truth about anything. I don't even want to know what she tells her friends or her new husband. And the guy she just married is a smart person, maybe because he is out of the country majority of the year he doesn't see it, but hopefully he'll pick up on the way she is.
I have always thought she was narcissistic and my DH has said so as well. That sounds just like her spoiling the other kids so they will depend on her b/c all of them are like that except my DH, and he's the one that gets treated worse. She's got all the signs of it b/c she won't ever say she did anything wrong in her first marriage (and I know it wasn't just DH dad, it takes two), she has always said she was a great mom, stuff that you know isn't true but she actually believes the crap she says. My husband is the only one who really saw everything go down between his parents b/c he was the oldest and would get thrown in between them while he would protect his brothers and keep them out of it. He's told me stories that make me wonder why he would even want to claim her as his mom.
I guess this year I will tolerate her for Christmas since I told him I would go and make clear to him from now on I'm never going to her house again (no matter what), she is not welcome at our house and if she does come I want a heads up so I can leave, and I am not going to let her be in my life at all. It's going to be hard b/c his siblings love being with each other and hang out all the time and sometimes it involves her - that's going to be my most difficult thing.
You can always say "at this point.....I can't tolerate her behavior," (etc. etc.) so you can keep your options open.
Circumstances do change. DH stopped talking a sibling, but now they can be in the same room without any drama. Ditto FIL - DH realized that is dad is not going to change (and his dad has dementia, so he's unable to discuss things or apologize, or anything). Neither is a REGULAR part of our lives the way my siblings and parents are, but things as they stand work for us. I don't care if they work for SIL or not.
Personally I am glad that dh reached this point, because while I did not "forgive and forget," I hated skipping extended (cousins) family parties b/c dh didn't want to see certain family members.
Not feeding your kids is child abuse. Period. This woman was a child abuser.
You need to not have a relationship with her at all. Your DH should ignore her.
Thanks for everyone's comments! I definitely have to say keeping quiet to my husband did much more good than bad this Christmas.
His mom ended up not inviting or letting anyone know when she was planning on doing Christmas,except for the ones who live with her. So come that morning when none of her other children showed up b/c she didn't invite them, she got upset and headed out of town. She made DH sibling that lives with her take any gifts she got them to the other siblings. My DH texted her thanks and Merry Christmas - go figure she didn't say anything back.
But before this happened my DH was already fed up and going off about how his mom tries to ruin anyone else's holidays if it doesn't go her way. I sat him down and told him that her destructive behavior towards him does not sit well with me and that I cannot be around her anymore or I'm going to lose my mind. I told him that this would be the last Christmas he could expect me to be with him at her house (thankfully, she screwed herself over by not inviting anyone but made my Christmas by doing so). He didn't get upset, he actually told me that he will probably being doing the same thing from now on since he realized that I'm the only one in his life who really cares for him and my family treats him more like a son than his own. He realized how much easier and pleasant things were without having to see her or be around her.
Also I have a BIL who will be leaving for military purposes the first week of January and won't be back for a year. He tried to make plans for all of his brothers and mom to do something together and she just blew him off as well. My DH and BIL had a long bashing of the mother talk and I just listened keeping quiet. It's nice when after soooo many years of seeing her treat them like this that they all, well at least the ones who don't live with her, are starting to realize that her not in their lives is better. They all talked about having their own Christmas together, just the kids. My DH did say though that it felt weird being the first Christmas he didn't have with his siblings at his mom's. But honestly he seemed so much happier yesterday and I know how he acts when he leaves her house, holiday or not, and it wasn't like that at all!