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Need Some Advice: Wedding/Blended family question
My FI and I are planning our August wedding and I feel like we are starting to have very different views on certain things. Together, we have 6 children. I have two and he has four. Three of his children are a little older (15-20) and the youngest is 8. My children are 5 and 3.
I really want the wedding to be about our committment that we are making to each other. I want to be able to spend some time with him (like having a couples table at dinner or something) so that we can have a little time to connect during our own wedding. Afterwards, I was hoping we would spend the wedding night alone.
However, our wedding is on the beach and we are renting a huge beach house on a peninsula for the ceremony and reception. FI has rented the house for the week prior to the wedding, and our children will be with us during that time, of course. We are going to spend the whole week with the kids, doing the usual beach vacation routine. His oldest daughter has her birthday that week, so FI has also planned something for her. However, when I brought up to him how the only problem I have with this is that we won't have any privacy after the wedding, it caused a huge argument. I plan on a family member taking my children home after the wedding (my exh will be picking them up the next day), but FI wants everyone to continue staying in the beach house. He said we will have the honeymoon to spend time together.
I just feel like the wedding is all about a vacation and a party for his kids to enjoy, and less and less about our actual wedding. We are spending the week before with the kids, so is it really a big deal to expect a little privacy with my new husband? It's very important to me that we have some time together. I just won't feel right otherwise. I guess what I'm saying is that, I don't feel like he's making US enough of a priority. WDYT?
Re: Need Some Advice: Wedding/Blended family question
A few thoughts.
I think when you go into a marriage w/ kids - it changes the dynamics. Yes, it's about the two of you, but it's also about bringing 2 families together. It's much bigger than just the two of you now. I don't think you can really expect the same kind of ambiance/series of events as you did when you (I assume) got married before having kids.
So, I can't say that he's entirely off base w/ wanting to keep his kids there.
Would he compromise, perhaps, with the two of you going off to a hotel for just that one night? I do understand why you do want at least that night alone - away from everyone. But if it's not about sending his kids off but you all going off for awhile - would he be open to that?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No, he would think that's totally ridiculous. He rented a huge beach house, and I just know he would say that there's no point in going somewhere else.
This.
And since his children are older than yours, he obviously understands how important it is to include them in on all of this.......after all, they are getting a new family, no matter how much they like you and your kids this is going to be an adjustment for them. They understand more the idea that their father just married a woman who is not their mother, and even if they've been expecting it for awhile it might still be a little tough for them.
So he is doing what a good parent would do. He's not sending them off immediately after the reception. Sorry that it's not matching up with what you wanted, but it's the reality of marrying someone with children old enough to comprehend it. It sounds like you're going on a honeymoon anyway, so let this go.
Won't the honeymoon be your "alone time"?
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, and it may be that I don't have kids, but I think it's ridiculous to expect them to stay! Yes, your lives are going to include children, but this is one time when I would expect them to go somewhere else. That would be like having your live-in mother in law stay in your house on your wedding night. That's weird.
I also think it's a matter of preference. If you feel like it's important to have that alone time, then you should stick to your guns. Honestly, the children would understand at that age, and they need to know that you are part of their father's life too - and that you will occasionally require alone time. Plus, you've already had a family vacation. This seems like something you should approach your FI about and tell him how important it is to you. Compromise might be just the thing here.
You have to remember that this could be awkward for the kids seeing their parent marrying someone else who is not their mother/father....that whole day could be emotional for them. Then booting them off that night may not be the best thing to do. She is having a honeymoon so I don't see the issue. Put your selfish reasons aside and wait for the honeymoon to spend your "alone time".
I think you need to adjust your thinking. Get your kids there for the week and consider this week at the beach house as a honeymoon for your new family, a week for all of you to spend time together and get to know each other.
I think i gathered that you are taking a honeymoon with your H at some point in the future? So that will be your special time alone, probably the last you will have for a long time with all those kids!
If you are truly comparing young children from a previous relationship to a mother-in-law, you are weird.