Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband's friend's wedding is taking a toll on OUR marriage...
Hello, I am new here, this is my first post... don't be too harsh 
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2 years. We are mostly happy but have had some problems in the past regarding my weight gain from PCOS. We have worked through it though and our only real problem now is that he can be very mean and insensitive sometimes.
My husband's friend is getting married. They have been friends since they were kids. They are from the south and are basically having a wedding you'd see on the TV show "My Big Redneck Wedding" which is fine with me, that is their style... At their engagement party, his friend was drunk and started pushing me to let my husband go to the strip club for his bachelor party.. I laughed it off and acted cool, just joked, didn't answer either way... as soon as we were in the car I told my husband no way (which he understood, he already knew my feelings towards strip clubs).
A couple weeks ago we went over to their house for dinner. They talked excitedly about all their wedding plans. Camouflage dresses & tuxes... groomsmen wearing muck boots and growing out beards like the guys on Duck Dynasty (please, for the love of god, no), their venue, etc.... then I heard the words "mud wrestling." Uhhh what? They are going to have the bridesmaids (in booty shorts & sports bras) and the groomsmen (in speedos... SPEEDOS!!) mud wrestle. I kid you not. My first thought was "there is no way in hell DH will be doing that" but I once again politely joked and didn't say anything to them. We had driven there seperately so I was fuming in my car all the way home, and once we did meet at home I pretty much erupted with anger. The first thing I said was "is there any part of you that thinks it's okay to rub your soaking wet, nearly naked body onto the soaking wet, nearly naked body of another female? Is there any part of you that thinks I would think that's okay?" and it exploded from there. He says I am being childish, not trusting him, I am outcasting him from his friends, etc. I say he's not being sensitive to my feelings & is disrespecting our marriage.
To top it off, he said the strip club/casino night they had planned for his bachelor party has been cancelled and replaced with a weekend at his friend's lake house. We have had a long talk about what DH would do if strippers showed up. He swears he would leave immediately, but I really don't believe him.
I know that a huge part of this is me and my own body issues, but I get that heart-sinking feeling every time I think about DH mud wrestling another woman, or watching another naked woman. I am a huge believer in being honest and upfront about your feelings, which I am doing, with less than stellar results...
Am I wrong? Am i being childish and overly jealous? Should I pack these feelings up and pretend I'm okay, have a good cry in the bathroom at the wedding, and never bring it up again? Or should I keep letting my husband know exactly how I feel about all of this, even if it results in fighting?
Any advice on how to deal with this situation is much appreciated.
Re: Husband's friend's wedding is taking a toll on OUR marriage...
This is a touchy subject. Here's where I'm going to get a little psychological on you. In your post, you didn't mention MORAL objections to the clubs and/or wrestling. Your post indicates that your own self esteem issues are what is causing this discord.
First, my advice on the weight - I sympathize. While I don't personally have PCOS, my sister and several friends do. I know that weight issues can come with the territory, among other things. My advise to you is to seek some sort of help in developing better coping skills. Whether it's a trainer, a therapist, medication, a nutritionist, whatever. I'm not saying this because I think you NEED to lose weight, I'm saying this because you need to address the weight issue in order to increase your self esteem. Also, your DH needs to stop being a douche. PCOS is a serious medical condition with a lot of side effects and if he needs to hear that from a doctor, then make an appt. He's being a ***, and personally, I wouldn't stand for it.
Second - the wedding. I see you point on not wanting him to participate in these activities. As far as the house goes, your just going to have to trust him. He said he will leave the room, and you're just going to have to take his word for that. It's not your place to make him not attend - he's a big boy and he's going to have to make some decisions for himself. As for the wrestling, reapproch it with a calm demeanor. if you fumed, and then exploded on him, he was probably defensive. Nothing gets accomplished in those situations. Ask DH how he would feel if you started bumpin and grindin with random men at a club. If he thinks that's disrespectful, then so is the wrestling. I can't imagine you're the only couple that's going to have issue with the mud wrestling. I'm thinking there will be some boyfriends that don't want their GF's throwin down with a random nekkid man. Once you and DH are on the same page, Dh should approach the groom and explain that he will not be participating and that perhaps the idea should be rethought. Besides, guest would much rather see the BRIDE AND GROOM do this than the wedding party.
I hope the two of you can see eye to eye at some point on this. Best of luck.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
I think this goes beyond your body issues and is in fact a trust issue. The issue is that you don't trust your H and are trying to control him. Look the wedding these people are having wouldn't be for me. But this is what they want and are doing. Your H is in the wedding and he is expected to do the things planned if he WANTS to. It seems your H does want to mud wrestle and go on the weekend trip.
If your H cheats on you at either event, he was ALWAYS going to cheat. You cannot control every activity, place or experience that your H will have.
I honestly think you need to go to counseling to deal with your body issues. Your H married you because he loves you, thought you are attractive and wants to be with you. We don't all stay the same weight or look the same as when we get married. Medical issues, pregnancy and age are something most women have. If he is unhappy with the way you look that is ON him. Not you. I don't care what size someone is, they are the most sexy when they reek of confidence. You aren't exactly behaving like you have any which is usually a turn off to most men.
Ehh... I say you're overreacting. While I don't love the idea of my husband going to a strip club or mud wrestling with some chick, if those are the festivities he needs to participate in considering his role in the wedding, I think you need to let it go. Not to mention - if he's mud wrestling with redneck girls, do you really think you need to worry? I imagine an older version of Honey Boo Boo. (Couldn't resist...)
I agree with PPs that this involves more than jealousy - your self esteem and a lack of trust are at play here too. You need to work on those issues to relinquish some of this control in your relationship.
I don't know if this is MUD but here's the scoop:
If you have specifically requested that your H not partake in X, Y or Z because you do not like the idea of it and he goes ahead and partakes in X Y or Z anyway, RETHINK your H.
You're not being overly jealous. The problem here is this guy's got a problem with respecting your opinion and your feelings and I have the ugly feeling that he is going to go ahead and do as he wishes.
As I said, rethink him if he does. GL.
PS: this has nothing to do with your body image. At this point you could be a candidate for the Playmate of the Year --- your problem is a spouse who has a problem with respect for you and your feelings.
You've had a problem with him because of a weight issue? You and he have been married for 2 years --- I suspect that problem began before you were married and if this is how he was before you were married, you shuld have dropped him like a hot potato back then. Who the heck wants a guy who has a problem like that one? He's supposed to love you no holds barred no matter what you look like.
As you can see, people do not change. And I also get the feeling that if you did lose X pounds and became a perfect size 8 or 10, it still would not be good enough for His Highness. He's a real prince; where did you find him, anyway?
I can only tell you how I'd react to this situation. My response would be "whatever." I don't mind strip clubs, porn, strippers or apparently mud wrestling (there's something I never thought I'd think about it). I can't get up in arms over these things because I decided a long time ago that if my husband was going to cheat, he was going to do it whether I worried about these situations or not.
I know that many other people do not share my view and take much harder stances against strip clubs and porn. That is totally fine. It gets sticky because because both people in your story have a legit side. You don't like the situation for your own reasons and want him to respect your wishes. He is a groomsman and just wants to do what is expected of him and have a good time.
The only answer to this problem is compromise. But, you both need to see each other's side and make concessions. I am not going to tell you that either of you are 100% right and need to make the other person back down - that's not fair. So, roll up your sleeves, decide what you can handle, figure out why you're so hung up on these issues, and talk it out as honestly as possible.
I agree with this, but I also think that you are setting yourself up to fail as well. You rode in separate cars home, fumed with rage and anger the entire way home and then "erupted" at your husband the moment you got home about this? Christ, you sound like a real peach to come home to. I think you were incredibly harsh toward your husband on this - and I also think that your short leash based on your own self esteem issues is going to hurt you as well.
He needs to leave immediately if strippers show up at the lake house? Really? What are you expecting him to do? Stand up and say "oh, hey, my wife isn't cool with this, I'm going to pack my stuff and go home" in front of all of his friends? I doubt he would do that, from humiliation alone. And if he does leave? Expect that to come up again to bite you in the ass.
You're putting a lot of rules onto your husband, which indicates to me that you either married the wrong guy and should have looked for a guy that had the same values and views as you do on these things or you're being over the top here.
As for the mud wrestling? I'd do more of a "sorry honey, I get that they are doing a redneck wedding but I just feel that the mud wrestling is a bit far and reflects poorly upon both of us, and it would make me very uncomfortable at the wedding, so I'd appreciate it if you bowed out of that one. The beard I'll live with.", than erupting, screaming, ranting and raving about it like a lunatic. Remember here, he hasn't done anything to deserve you erupting at him.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
This has very little to do with your body image issues and everything to do with the fact that your husband doesn't respect you. Being mean and insensitive might be his only problem, but it's a pretty big one.
My husband would never even suggest mud wrestling with other women, because OF COURSE that isn't appropriate. I'm kind of floored that the bridesmaids have agreed to participate, even if they aren't married.
Can you go into a little more detail about the problems you had as a result of your PCOS weight gain? Was he supportive of you during this time, or did he make comments about your weight or act in a way that indicated that he found you less attractive?
I think you need to seriously consider that this is not the right guy for you.
Personally I don't think you are over reacting but that is because all marriages have different boundaries. I don't know that your response to the mud wrestling was productive, fuming and then exploding never leads to a productive conversation. I think you need to sit down and talk with him without getting into an argument, give him the opportunity to prove himself trustworthy. If he says he'll leave, then you can only take him at his word. If he doesn't then he has proven himself to be someone you cannot trust and then you have bigger issues then his friends. Do you have a reason to believe he won't do what he says?
The mud wrestling is just a no go. If he doesn't understand how inappropriate this is for any man in a relationship, married or otherwise, then you might want to think about the type of man you married. From your OP I can't tell how he reacted to your weight issues, but if it was anything but supportive then you already have a DH problem.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
This. 100%!
I have to know something. What's the plan after all the bridesmaids and groomsmen mud-wrestle? Are they going to shower somewhere and rejoin the reception? Walk around caked in mud? Hose off and hope for the best?
IT all sounds trashy to me but you sound like you are talking about not allowing your child to do this...not your DH.
there is NO WAY my DH or I would tell the other they couldnt do something.
If you trust him then what is the big deal?
I would be in shock if there was mud wrestling at a wedding..even at a Redneck one. Hopefully these are just "ideas" they have..because I doubt many would feel comfortable with that kind of stuff going on, even if they weren't involved or knew someone involved. I would feel uncomfortable and 10x more so if it were my husband up there embarrassing me.
I haven't really had to think about how I would feel about if my husband went to a strip club, because my husband usually ends up skipping out on those kinds of events for moral reasons. If that weren't the case though, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be too thrilled with the idea. I wouldn't expect him to leave the place though, especially if its one of his really close friend's bachelor party.
I don't think you are over reacting too much because most of those activities to me are inappropriate, but I know a lot of people would disagree with me. Although trying to control him won't help either because it only leads to resentment.. all you can do is let him know you are very upset by it all and try to live with what he decides to do.
If your husband has been friends with this guy since they were kids, I have to assume that they share a similar upbringing and personality........so you can't be all that surprised about a low class wedding or the fact that your husband is ok with being in it.
I mean, I doubt that either of these guys is normally super classy and this behavior is totally out-of-the-blue.
No, I wouldn't be cool with my husband mud-wrestling with another woman. But I don't have to tell my husband that he can't do that, because he wouldn't do it anyway. No, I wouldn't be super happy with my husband being around a stripper at a bachelor party.......but I trust him, and wouldn't forbid him from going to his friend's bachelor party over it just like he wouldn't me if the situation was reversed.
Sounds like your husband is pretty gung-ho on everything that this wedding entails, regardless of what you think. That, to me, is the biggest issue you have going on. You're yelling and screaming at him before he's even done anything to warrant it, and he's blocking you out and possibly doing these things to spite you now.
I totally understand why you are upset....we are a lot alike on the issue of strippers lol. However, they are not going to the strip club so that is a positive. If one shows up at the lake house then it is up to your husband to leave the room or shut his eyes, you have to trust him. As far as the mud wrestling...ugh...who are these people?? lol....H can say no and his friend should be understanding of that.
In the meantime, just breathe....And if you would like to work on your body issues why don't you find a workout program that you like....This would also help with your stress levels. I personally find that when I workout H and I don't fight near as much.
Hope this helps...Sorry you have to attend such a redneck wedding...lol...I am southern myself but this event does not sound classy lol.