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Frustrated
Wife and I have been married 4 years now and haven't has sex in four months. I got the hint that I was asking for it too much so I backed off and still no luck. It's as if she just doesn't care about it at all! I think I'm pretty solid husband. I cook, clean do laundry, vacuum, give our three year a bath and put him to bed almost every night. I give her money every now and then and tell her NOT to spend it on the kids or me! That its for her to buy something nice. And I'm talking about a couple hundred dollars too! I bought her a Coach purse about three months ago to surprise her and bring her flowers and what not to her work. So it's not like I'm just ignoring her either. I give her compliments frequently on how amazing she looks and smells. Am I going overboard or what! I'm not sure what is going on, she comes home from work and doesn't have to do anything! I take care of pretty much everything at night so she can relax. I rub her back and feet when they hurt and don't ask for anything in return, but as soon as I even hint towards sex she rolls her eyes and stomps away. It's like she won't even talk to me about it. We have been together on and off for 19 years and have two kids together. Somebody tell me what gives?
Stressed Husband!
Re: Frustrated
It doesn't seem like you are doing anything wrong. Send her away one night, and when she comes back surprise her with little notes here and there - make a game of it. Or take her to a costume shop and add a little role play. Put a thrill into the romance- it might do the trick. Even humor- dress up as something goofy in the bedroom. Have a weekend getaway.
You might need to provoke her to talk to you otherwise. It's sensitive ordeal, and if she won't talk to you it's that much harder. Communication is key..
As I always say -- and I will say it again:
Communication is key.
You need to sit down with her outside of the bedroom and have a long and frank talk about your sex life. No interruptions; have somebody watch the kiddo for the afternoon.
I'd start out with "Honey, I love to have sex with you; how do you suggest we be red-hot together again, like we used to be?" and let her take the floor.
She owes it to you to make sure you are happy in all areas of your relationship and that includes making sure you are happy sexually.
She needs to meet you halfway on what you are asking for --- once or even twice a week for sex would be fabulous. And once or twice a week for intercourse would be an excellent amount, considering you have been together for nearly 2 decades.:)
To be truthful, something is flakey here with her. I am guessing you are in your early 40s - late 40s or maybe even your early 50s. I don't think this is a perimenopause thing or a menopause thing where her hormones are off -- she's acting like a child; really, she rolls her eyes and walks away? Brilliant. That's being a kid about a sensitive subject, not a reasonable full grown mature woman.
What do you mean by "on and off for 19 years"? did you break up along the line and separate for awhile and then reconcilliate? or have the breakups been more than once or twice? If they have, that might be a clue to what's going on here.
Bottom line: she needs to be a happy and willing sexual partner. If after talking to her and telling her you have needs, and she won't follow through, rethink being with her for the long run. You did not marry to eventually wind up married to a cold fish who decided that the bedroom door is closed for good.
She may simply have decided no more sex with you, for only reasons she can name. It stinks but it happens.
What about you and your appearance? have you gained or lost a lot of weight? do you keep yourself well groomed? Do you shower regularly? do you stay active? are your teeth in good shape? Do you smoke to excess? Do you ensure that every time you have sex with her it's just not the same ole in and out where it's boom, yer done in 20 minutes, no foreplay?
If you look fine, smell fine and your physique is fine and you've been more than adequate in the bedroom, something else is amiss here, on her end.
It could be possible she's already emotionally checked out of the marriage and/or is having an affair. If she's done one or the other or both, I suggest you do yourself a favor and leave; there is no sense in pursuing a marriage when the other person's letting you know loud and clear the show is over.
It also may be a possibility that this relationship is simply over and it's run its course.
If that is the case, she needs to woman up and tell you what the deal is. She shouldn't be leading you on and letting you be the foot rubber, compliment giver and all around gladhand good time Charlie: you want a wife and a partner, not some little 10 year old who rolls her eyes and will not talk abou tthings like an adult.
Sorry for you troubles. Let us know what happens. GL.
ETA: If you do not wish to call it a day over this, and she refuses to have anything to do with you sexually, let her give you the option of pursuing an open relationship. Yep; she stays married to you and no sex on her behalf; you get to go out and pursue sex with whoever you want to pursue it with.
I don't know if this solution floats your boat.
What she's also showing you is a dire lack of respect. She apparently doesn't care about your happiness in the bedroom and that, to me, means she sure doesn't respect what you want or give a hang about your needs or wants or what you wish to do.
If it turns out she's having an affair, call this quits. As we always say on these boards adultery is a dealbreaker.
I recommend speaking to your wife, perhaps she's tired, stressed, annoyed, having hormonal issues etc. You sound like a great husband but you need to explain to her that sex is important to your marriage. How often were you 'asking for it' exactly? If it was everyday or 3 times a day it's a bit much, let her know and ask if once a week/ once every 2 weeks is okay with her or whatever you'd like, compromise is key. After 19 yrs, I don't suggest an open marriage as PP commented, I suggest being direct with her, tell her how it makes you feel (stressed, insecure). Hopefully she will be open about what her issue is and you can work it out, good luck!
Doubtful it is hormonal -- she rolls her eyes and stomps away. This is a "I don't wanna talk about it" problem. As I said, no grown woman reacts that way.
It also doesn't look like a "tired from taking care of 2 small kiddoes" issue.
I only suggested an open marriage as a more or less last resort. I wouldn't be down with it either but the whole thing is this: she needs to be a willing partner to satisfy him on all levels, the same as he is for her. And if she refuses to do that, the OP should decide where he wants to go from there.
Sadly, this is common. I believe your best way forward is to have a frank discussion with your wife, during the day, clothes on. You have to tell her how you feel, what you're frustrated about, and ask if she sees a way forward together. You can't go forever without sex and you don't know what the problem is. Talking will either give you answers, or at least start the conversation.
Open relationships aren't as wild as some people think. Many high profile people maintain 'business marriages' where they stay together for financial and social reasons but have other lovers. It's a way to keep your kids under the roof of both parents without the parents feeling increasing hostility. It is also a delicate thing to broach and to begin so talking with a sex positive therapist might be a good route.
Regardless of what you guys choose, you have to talk to her and figure out what's going on in her head.