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In-Law holiday sharing
Here's the story:
My DH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, we've had to be careful about the way we split time during the holidays with family since we messed up the first year. For thanksgiving we planned to hop first to my family's (Dad's side, has 50+ ppl) then we would head over to my in-laws. I guess an error in communication happened because we were "late" & MIL was mad at us for getting there at 7pm! That was the first year we were married! We spent the first Christmas with them that year.
Last year we flew to visit my Mom's side of the family in Mexico (DH flew back early and spent Christmas in the US with my Inlaws & I stayed back in mexico) We then spent New Years with my Dad's side of the family.
This year my parents were flying to Mexico for Christmas & since I hadn't spent that holiday with my dad's side of the family in almost 10 years I asked my husband to switch Thanksgiving with the inlaws and christmas with my paternal family. He agreed & even planned a surprise trip to Mexico with my maternal family.
We decided we would meet my in-laws some days after since we wanted to spend christmas day with each other. So christmas eve we stayed up til 5am with my family and slept in til 12pm, at which time i woke up and texted friends and family: Merry Christmas to you all! Much love! About 2 hrs later my husband awoke, ate, & we cuddled to watch TV. He gave MIL a call to say Merry Christmas, her response was "It took you long enough". My DH didn't want to argue, but did comment on how rude that comment was. Later that night my SIL calls saying "don't you feel weird, calling so late? and then expecting us to come over to pick up our gifts? And not going out to see anyone on Christmas day?" My blood boiled, but my DH doesn't let stuff like that get to him, he simply says he doesn't care what they say or think, if he wants to spend time with me that's what he'll do and that's that.
The problem is today we will go to my in-laws & have that awkward conversation: I know my DH will just blow off whatever comment is made, & I will let my blood boil inside because I don't want to create confrontation & come from a family that respects their inlaws: however, in a way I feel that MIL is using all this to cover up the fact she's mad about us spending christmas with my family..not theirs. How can we make sure this meeting allows all of us to express our feelings without causing a major fall out? & most importantly how can we make sure this doesn't happen again since grandson #1 is on the way (4months aways that is: yes I'm 5 mos. preggo!)
Re: In-Law holiday sharing
He needs to just say that out loud to anyone who makes a snarky comment. He needs one sentence like above to repeat over and over any time his family has a problem with the way he and his family (his family= you now) decide to spend the holidays. Don't deviate from said scripted sentence. You can use it, too.
They sound like passive-aggressive @$$holes. High five to you for refraining from throat punching them.
You need to learn to not worry so much about what other people think, especially if it's none of their business in the first place. I would have told SIL "no, I don't feel weird about my husband and I spending our time as we see fit. Don't you find it weird that you need to criticize how other people live their lives?"
No matter what its hard to keep everyone happy. I agree with PP, tell your SIL that you are spending time how you see fit.
Once you have your baby I'm sure you and your H will want to create your own traditions for the holidays too so things will likely only change more. You can try to keep everyone happy but make sure that in doing so, you don't drive yourself crazy.
My advice, try to figure out your holiday plans in advance (if possible), example, set up Christmas next year at Thanksgiving (or before) that way there are no surprises and everyone can have time to "adjust" to the decision you and H made. But ultimately H needs to communicate with his family that you are spliting time the way you see fit.
My husband and I went through pre-marital counseling, and this is one of the topics we spent a lot of time discussing. If you have parents or in-laws who are possessive at holidays, it is best to have a plan months in advance. Let everyone know the plan ahead of time and if they put up a fight, you and your DH have to be able to stick to the plan and not let their comments/attitudes frustrate or bring you down. You and your husband should ALWAYS come first. Extended family is always second.
Another thing to consider is that when your sweet baby gets older, and has siblings, kids hate being dragged all over the place on holidays. They want to enjoy Christmas and their new presents with their Mommy and Daddy. Our premarital counselors have actually made it their tradition to spend each Christmas at a ski lodge in Colorado - minus extended family. This gives them much needed family time with their kids, they get to relax and enjoy the entire holiday, without the extended family drama.
Just some ideas/thoughts
Good luck with everything.