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I screwed up bad!
I havent lurked, so please excuse any faux pas if Ive made them.
My MIL had a horrific time with her ex (my DH's dad). She told me when I had been dating him for a matter of months that he his conception was... less than loving. I asked her if DH knew and she said he did. I was enraged that she would tell anyone this, but especially him. Ive heard her mention it in front of him before and I cringe every time.
Come to find out he didnt know what she was talking about, but he sure knows now! I told him! We were fighting and his mom came up. I said how sick I was that he wasnt protected from anything, down to the knowledge of his conception. He had no clue. I saw him glaze over and now Im raging angry at myself and at her for telling me he knew. I think I just broke my husband and Im sick over it.
Ive been lying saying that I way over-blew what she said, just to protect him.
How the h*ll do I fix this? edit to fix my naughty word
Re: I screwed up bad!
You didn't screw up.
You "fix it" by not lying to him any more about it and saying "look, your mom has obviously told us two very different things - maybe you should talk to your mom about that" - and defer it back to his mom.
What a horrible, bizarre thing to tell you, though.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I agree.
WTH is WRONG with that woman?!? Why would she tell you that?
You didn't break him, his mother did. It's not always healthy to throw mean things around during a fight, but it is human. We have all done it at one time or another.
The thing about family secrets or even a family history is that it ALWAYS comes out. BUT, the fact that she told you after you two had been dating is very bizarre. I'm also shocked you didn't talk to him right after that about what she said.
His mother sounds toxic, what exactly was the fight about that had you bringing this up?
Hold on - let me know if I am reading this wrong.
You Dh was conceived via rape, and you're "enraged" that she told DH? what was she supposed to do, hide the dirty little secret and disguise how disgusting the father is? Frankly, I'm appalled and disgusted at your response.
I can see the point of you wanting to protect your H from pain, but the appropriate response would have been sympathy for goodness sake. It's heartbreaking for either of them to have to carry that around, but shame and secrecy are not the answer. For goodness sake, it's a GOOD thing if your H knows what kind of man his father is, so that he can protect his mother, himself, YOU, and your children.
Everyone should stop covering up the truth - bring it to light and deal with it. Seek therapy if necessary. While I agree that as a small child he should have been protected, he's a grown man now and needs full information in order to make his decisions about relationships.
Again, let me know if I'm reading this wrong, but I think you need to pull yourself out of the 15th century and maybe educate yourself a little on rape and the impact it has on individuals and societies.
ETA: The steam escaping from my ears made me use the wrong your/you're.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
No Mrs C
Her MIL told her that and said that her H knew....turns out he didnt and she (the wife) told him and now the WIFE feels bad.
I don't know......based on the quote above it seems like she was primarily pissed that MIL told DH about it, and secondarily pissed that she got "duped" into revealing it herself. It seems like she prefers that it alls tay a secret.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
lol i totally looked at this part...
Come to find out he didnt know what she was talking about, but he sure knows now! I told him! We were fighting and his mom came up. I said how sick I was that he wasnt protected from anything, down to the knowledge of his conception. He had no clue.
OP clarify please
Hmm see I thought she felt bad bc it isn't her place to tell him and she accidentally did, and now her H is torn up about it. Honestly I feel really bad for her H in this. I can't imagine knowing your origins are so terrible. OP, I would encourage your H to find a counselor to discuss his feelings, and it would maybe be a good thing if his mom was willing to go to. Although that would be for your H to ask, not you.
As a side note, I thankfully have never experienced sexual assault, but I imagine I would really struggle with whether to tell a child he was the result of rape. Not bc it was "my fault" or anything, but bc I don't know that I would want my child to carry that burden. If I did decide to share that fact, I do think it absolutely should be shared with the child before you tell that child's spouse, so I really feel you there OP.
Sorry to cause confusion. I was upset because of the way he found out. "Enraged" wasnt the right word for when I found out. I was upset when I wrote that. I wasnt happy he knew. I dont see why the resulting child needs to know. New husband, therapist, family- of course. I just dont see why my husband needs to live with that thought. I hugged her, told her I was sorry, asked if she ever got help. I didnt think twice about her telling me. Her life hasnt been easy and Im sympathetic to that for sure. I was made to believe it was common knowledge and it wasnt, and it came out in a horrible way and that was my fault completely. It would have been a crappy thing to do whether he knew it or not.
Im not talking about throwing everything in the closet like the perfect 50s family- not at all. He is her only outlet for venting about his abusive father. He gets every detail, every time we come. It's sad and it tears him down. She needs some serious help to get through it but Ive already been warned to never suggest it. She also causes alot of drama for us, which is why it was even brought up in the first place.
We talked about it today. After he thought about it, he said he had heard her say that so many times but never thought she was talking about the night he was created specifically. He seems really defeated today, but I kind of dont blame him.
eta- I can see where it looks like I was upset she even told me when I threw in the after we had been dating two months thing. I added that because she tells her story to everybody, right away. If thats her deal, then ok. I dont think DH likes every body to know. Thats all.
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you mispoke, and aren't just backpeddling now. Be very careful how you address issues like this. Choose words carefully and wisely.
Is your DH still in contact with his father? If so, THAT'S why you need to know. To protect yourself and your children. To know what kind of man he is so that DH isn't a victim of his lies and abuse. I will agree that it doesn't need to be constantly rehashed, and that DH shouldn't be the outlet for his mother's anger, but neither shoudl it be kept a secret.
I'm sorry that she won't seek help. I'm sure the life she's lived has poisoned her outlook. There is a difference between being a supportive and caring son and being a whipping boy. You may not be "allowed" to suggest counseling, but DH is well within his rights to say "Mom, I am sincerely sorry you had to endure that. I agree that my father is an SOB. However I'd like to spend time with you talking about happy things, making new, happy memories, and hopefully making the future for our family so much better than the past." I would also suggest counseling for DH to learn how to process the information he's received about his parent's relationship and how to set healthy boundaries moving forward with his mother.
As for the fact that he "learned" it from you - I don't think that's your burden to bear. You thought he knew - and he just hadn't put all the pieces together yet. It's done, nothing to be gained by letting that one point of order fester. I'm not sure HOW this came up in a fight, but I get the feeling that you were fighting dirty based off of some of your wording and your residual guilt. Let this be a lesson to you that some bells can't be unrung, and that disagreements are for expressing a difference of opinion, not for inflicting pain. If my assumptions are correct, I woudl suggest additional counseling for the two of you to learn healthy dynamics in the relationship (he definitely ddin't have a good model, and you may not have either.)
While this is legitimately an issue now, in time I expect that each party will be able to process and deal with what has happened. Best of luck to you.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Thank you for your reply MrsC. Im really not a jerk. I was upset about it and really didnt mean to sound like I wanted it bottled up. I was alarmed she spoke so freely about something so personal to my DH seemingly without reguard to him.
Taking in the advice. Thanks for the replies
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Your mother in law needs to realize that announcing to anyone who will listen, that her son was conceived during a time when her husband raped her, is PRIVATE information and not something she should be blabbing to anyone who will listen. It's embarrassing for your husband and for whoever she tells. You don't need to suggest counseling but your husband should tell her this is a personal matter and that it should be kept that way.
Mrs.C I understand where you are coming from, but how it is appropriate to dump your personal history of abuse onto your child? Its one thing to talk to him about things he may already know, protect him from the awful person his father is, but I don't deem it necessary to spell out every detail of the abuse down to her son, down to his conception through rape.
OP i am sorry you are going through this. Support your H and encourage him to seek out some therapy.