Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
H going on vacation without me
Just had a quick question. Am I overreacting with this?
So my husband was a camp counselor for 7 years at a camp here in cali. The group that ran the camp is having a big reunion for all the old camp counselors next year at their new big home in lake Tahoe. A few of the members wrote my DH personally to see if he would attend because they really wanted him to go. He mentioned the event to me, and he was pretty "eh" about it, but his sister has been bugging him to go as well(she was also a camp counselor and most likely wants a ride there). I was all for my H going at first, and we had decided we thought it would be fun to take a trip up there and have fun with the activities and whatnot after he suggested we could make a fun trip out of it together. We were already planning a trip there this coming year so it would be perfect vacation and I could see his old friends too at the same time which he wanted me to meet. So I said sure that sounded like a fun idea to just combine the trip. I then figured out when checking his facebook invite that husband/wives/kids were not invited. I was instantly put off by the idea that they explicitly stated this. I mean if it were me I would not even consider going somewhere hours away for a week if my H was not invited. I figured this would be the same for him, so I didnt mention it again after I let H know they wouldn't allow me to attend.
About a week later it comes up in a conversation with his parents, and I chimed in that husbands/wives arent invited. They also were a little taken aback by this like I was. We bashed the idea a bit with each other, So I felt like we were all on the same page, but then I hear my H reply back, well I still havent decided if I am going or not.
Well I am not proud of this, but I got a little upset about the whole thing. I talked about it nicely with my H, and told him I was a hurt that he still wanted to go after the fact that I couldnt attend. It would also mess up our own vacation there(since the probability of us going later this year will be zero then) . I feel like I am being selfish with this and I probably am, but I guess I just hoped he would decide to not attend because of the fact that I let him know how strongly I felt about it. I guess I just feel like if I were in his place I wouldnt even consider it, especially if he let me know how he felt about it. One of the things he said was well you could still go there with me and stay somewhere else? Lol yeah, like I am going to go out there with him and then be by myself most of the day, spend money on a hotel BY MYSELF and not partake in sharing experiences with my H. No thanks.
Should I just drop it altogether now or bring it up again? Its still bugging me, especially the fact that I let him know and that was that. I feel like we didnt completely communicate everything very well. And if he decided to disregard my feelings with it, should I let him know so or am I just being a selfish b**** for not wanting him to go? A part of me feels I am making a big deal out of this and really shouldnt and am being completely and utterly selfish, so I am really debating on even bringing anything up again.
Re: H going on vacation without me
Sorry, I think you are being crazy with this, and that you should tell him to go and have a great time. What is it, just a weekend?
They didn't just work together, they spent entire summers together and want to have a get together, I think that is normal and I doubt anything dodgy is going on with it. I also can't blame them for A: not wanting to pay to host (feed, lodge) spouses and kids, and I also don't think it's strange for them to not want to have spouses and kids there - it's not a spouses and kids weekend, it's a reunion to reminisce for the former camp counselors.
I'm not sure why you're making a big deal about this. Does he do things like go on fishing trips or camping trips without you? Would you really not ever go anywhere without your husband?
Being attached at the hip is not always the healthiest thing. Also, his sister probably wants him to go because it would be fun and they worked together. I think you're being strange on that point too.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I'm trying to figure out why anyone thought that spouses or kids would be invited. Yes I think he should go and yes I think you should get over it. It's not even 2013 yet and you are whining that you won't get your vacation if he goes. I find this hard to believe.
I would love to get together with my old camp friends as an adult. My best summer memories come from the time I had at camp. You are being very unfair to your H and you have to realize that he will do and go places and you can't be with him every time.
Well, this is for sure. Just because YOU wouldn't go away for a week without your husband doesn't mean that HE has the same hang ups. I agree that it's odd that they are explicitly not inviting spouses and children, but that's their choice (I guess).
You both need to talk openly about it now. I suggest you don't lead with "I'm annoyed that I wasn't invited," or "I wouldn't want to stay in a hotel room by myself for a week without you." Feel free to add it later, but I'd discuss the more practical problems first. "What does this do to our vacation plans?" Is it possible you can meet him out there after a week and continue on your way to do something fun?
I will say that while I'd be sad I wasn't invited, I wouldn't ask him not to go. This is a part of his life and if he wants to go, that is completely his choice.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Well, how long is the "reunion" part of this trip you were planning? I don't really see a camp reunion being a week-long event, so why can't you still spend a week out there and do your own thing while he's at his reunion, and then meet up and continue the vacation together from there?
And ftr, if it was the only vacation we were getting for the year, I'd be annoyed that he chose to spend the whole week by himself, because it's the only vacation we're getting for the year. But if he's just looking to split off for a weekend or something, I fail to see what the problem is.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
The whole "no spouse" thing is a bad deal - I'm sure they did it out of spacial constraints, but it puts almost everyone in the situation you're now dealing with.
I don't think you're being selfish about not wanting him to go, but I also don't think you should "force" him to stay.Given that your reasoning is solid (a whole week ruins all vacation plans for the year, plus your plans for the next year) and not insecure (you're not worried that he's going away for a week with all those floozies without your supervision) I think it's a resonable request that he sit this out.
However, this camp is probably a big part of his life. I can see him wanting to go, and I can see him being disappointed/resentful if he feels like you made the decision for him. Can he maybe go for half the trip? Pop in for a night or two, see his old pals, and the head home?
As far as the ultimate decision, it's tough - either he stays home and feels like his desires weren't respected, or he goes and you feel like your desires weren't respected. If he does decide to go, could you organize an girls trip somewhere? That way you both get a vacation out of the deal, and honestly, separate vacations can be a WHOLE lot of fun!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
I agree. Could you do a spa and shopping day, or some other thing your H might not want to do? DH takes a guys fishing trip every year though, so I'm not bothered by the separation aspect of it. Now if DH cancelled our vacation plans to do that, I see where you are coming from there.
WHY were you checking your H's facebook page?
Some of you really need to lighten up. Are you all sewn together at the hip? Does being married mean you have to be together 24/7.? He is going to a camp reunion.
sounds like a lack of trust or a lack of maturity.
Really? IDK if DH has his FB page open I use run through it vs logging out and signing in. The same core people are on both pages. That doesn't seem strange to me and clearly her DH didn't seem to have an issue with it. This does not sound like a violation to me, she didn't snoop (at least not from OP).
Time apart is healthy and good but if it interferes with plans you make together that is an issue. Things get more complicated if you are on a very tight budget. I think there is a different between a weekend away with friends and a possible week long reunion that replaces your vacation.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Even if his facebook page was left open on the screen...going through it is not cool ever. She was looking for something...and she found it.
she didnt say her vacation was not happening and that she no longer could go on a vacation with him. she said probably...not him.
i guess i missed the place where it said he was going for a week?
it sounds to me like they are both immature and both of them handled it the wrong way. it also sounds like a few of the women think that they should be always with their H's and time apart it a bad thing.
If you can only afford to make the trip once then I don't think it's fair for him to get a vacation without you. you should not have to give up your vacation with him for him to do this.
That being said.....the other side of it......
My husband was just out in Vegas with his brother for a long weekend and it doesn't bother me at all that he goes without me. However that doesn't take place of OUR vacation. THAT I would certainly have issue with.
How long is the actual reunion? And I too am wondering - does this mean NO vacation next year for the 2 of you together, or just not to that area?
My DH has twice taken a "guys only" trip to the BVI's and sailed around for a week. Does it suck to be at home while he's having a great time? Yes, sure. But I also was encouraged him to go and have fun.
So - yes, I do think you're overreacting. This doesn't sound like a regular thing, either. This sounds like a unique, "one off" experience.
And it "hurt" you that he still wanted to go when he knew you couldn't? That screams "co-dependant". You really can't spend a week (if it's even a full week) apart?
Neither DH or I want to vacation on a regular basis apart, but the "once in a blue moon" times an opportunity comes up, we're cool w/ it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you gals for your honest opinions, It means a lot and gives me an insight about my mindset here. I most likely wont bring it up again until its around the corner and we can talk about our own vacation we are supposed to take. For my H's job its hard for him to get time off from work with the type of job he has, the longest we have gone away anywhere is 4 days. Just feels like he should be able to get a week for OUR vacation, which never has happened. Really the only vacation we have had so far together has been our honeymoon, which was around 2 years ago now. I just know how it goes, if he goes on this we are pretty much out a trip for the year. At the time I actually mentioned staying longer after the reunion to have our own vacation there and he said it would be too long away from work and he probably wouldnt be able to get it off.
I am starting to wonder if he just doesn't want to take time to go on vacations with me, especially if he can make time for this reunion for that long and not something we can go on together. Like I am being taken for granted. I know he doesnt plan and I dont plan either, so when we thought of Lake Tahoe together before this reunion came up it was exciting for me. Its just a bit of a let down now.
My H and I have never had an issue with being on each others email or social networking sites, so that wasnt really a problem. Its not that I dont trust him(like with the people at the camp), that is not why I end up on his accounts. We use each others computers a lot of times and we are basically just always signed in to everything. I am glad I ended up checking it because we would have actually planned the whole trip out together and would then come to find out I wasnt invited, and it would have been an even bigger let down.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Honestly, at this point, I'd tell him "go to the reunion, have a good time. But you need to understand what I was upset about" - and try to be genuine - send him happily, BUT use the topic as a launching board for the real issue. He won't make it work to go on a long vacation w/ you, but he will for this group. THAT is what hurts and upsets you. You don't want to get in the way of him going - but you need for him to realize the issue and to think long and hard about it AND think about how this can be rectified in the future.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with Mags. Going through your spouse's FB page is a violation of privacy. DH and I have a lot of the same friends, but I do not scroll through his page or look up his messages, etc.
It seems like at the heart of this situation the OP has some trust and communication issues. OP - Is this a reoccurring issue with your DH? Is this a one time situation where he wants to go away? Does he discuss things with you? Do you have trust issues?
Evidently different couples feel differently about fb and the "privacy" of it all. When we were planning our maternity pics we used a woman that my husband went to high school with and happened to have on his fb. I used his phone to send her messages to set everything up, at his request. He started asking a few questions and then would hand me his phone while we were driving and tell me to ask her another question he thought of or else I would just use his phone to send her a quick message while we were getting everything set up. After the shoot she ended up adding me as a friend as well and now we chat on my own fb account but it's not that big of a deal. Like PP have said, we have a lot of the same friends on fb so if one of us is still logged on the computer (typically me because I suck at logging out) then it's not uncommon for the other to scroll through the newsfeed and see what all is going on with our friends. We also look at each others' texts and it's not because of trust issues. Normally it is along the lines of the phone dings that we got a new text message and whoever is closest reads it for the other or will say you have a text from such and such. Most of the time we ask each other to just read it to us instead of handing off the phone reading it and handing it back.
Thank you girls, your posts are insightful, I know I'll be bringing it up shortly here before the reunion, I just have to figure out the best way to communicate it, so thank you all for the responses and ideas.
Yes I do have communication problems, I'd much rather run away and avoid arguments at all costs, but I know that doesnt really solve anything. It takes me a long while to really communicate what I am feeling (if I can even figure out what is bothering me ) .
Jealous and trust issues.. hmm well I never thought I was like that. Or at least I don't think I am a jealous person. I know I have a problem with low self esteem though, but I dont think that has to go hand in hand with trust issues. I wasnt really looking for anything other than more information about the trip we were thinking of doing together. So yes, I was looking for something and found more info on it before more planning in-sued. I dont check his fb to check ON him, I guess its more like we consider ourselves one? And both don't really see it as an invasion.. or we just don't really mind the invasion. I mean I would not even think to do it if my DH had an issue with it, we are just mostly open about that kind of thing. Plus all our bills go to his email, so I end up checking that frequently, because I am in charge of the finances. I guess we just see it as "our fb" or "our email" now. Although I can understand how some would not want their privacy invaded, it hasnt really been a huge issue for us.
Actually, I would argue it is becoming an issue for you both, because instead of communicating you are going around one another to just find things out for yourselves. That creates alot of confusion and guess work. You should have asked him to find out more information for you... it seems like you were trying to take control. His reunion, his former co-workers, let him handle it.
DH and I have been married for 6 years, together for 13 and we don't consider ourselves "one". We've created a life together, but we are individuals.
He is gone for work alot and I don't fall apart when he's away. I'm me regardless of if he's with me or not. I let him go away with his friends if they plan a big trip, because I would certainly want the same freedom... it sucks I'm not getting a trip, but he works hard for our family and deserves some play time here/there.
In this instance, I understand you feeling like this situation sucks, but I think you really should put him first and understand that this probably was a big part of his life for awhile, and re-living that moment would mean alot. You don't want to take that away from him. He had a life before you came along, and you can't erase that.
I'm sure his sister wants him to go because she realizes how important it was for him, and she enjoyed having that experience with him. I think you need to cool your jets a bit and self reflect. The comment about probably wanting a ride is incredibly passive aggressive towards SIL.
I don't think it's weird that family wasn't invited... how would sleeping arrangements work around that? Having others around would also change the entire dynamic of the group so it wouldn't be fun. I wouldn't want my spouse there if it were my reunion.
You may feel like you are "one", but maybe he feels like you are Chris and Sarah.... a couple, and that's ok.