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No Sex Life
I'm sure a variation of this question has been asked ten times over, but I'm throwing this out there anyway b/c I'm at a loss...
FI and I have been together for 5 yrs (as of today, actually)... We've been living together for 3 1/2 yrs... getting married in about 4 mths... There's a 10-yr age gap b/n us (I'm 30, he's 40). Our sex life sucks.
Those are the basics... now, to elaborate... Our sex life didn't always suck. In the beginning, when we weren't living together, we lived about an hour apart... we'd see each other on the weekends and sometimes once during the week... we'd have sex almost every wkend... so excited to see each other... etc.
To be honest, I feel like once we moved in together, things changed to some degree, but everything has really gone downhill in the past 1-2 yrs... The majority of it, I'll admit, is my fault. I think it's primarily b/c of my BCP... I pretty much have little-to-no desire to have sex. Even on my own - I'll use my vibrator once in a blue moon (maybe once a month?) but that's about it...Additionally, I have "break through bleeding" (spotting) for about 2 wks every month (sometimes just a little, sometimes it almost seems like I have my period for 3 wks of the month)... plus my period for about a week... so I'm usually only good to go for 1 wk of each month, which is extremely frustrating in and of itself (not just for sex but just in general)... I've talked to my OB-GYN about it and the initial response was something like "I guess your body just really wants you to be pregnant"... She eventually agreed to try a diff BCP with diff hormone levels to try to lessen the problem, but nothing has really helped, and we've tried 4 or 5 diff kinds...
So, with almost no desire, and the constant spotting on top of that, we hardly ever have sex... maybe once a month... We'll throw in a blowjob here and there (maybe once a month or less)... dry humping for him to get off (only done that a handful of times)... We are still affectionate with each other... we kiss... hold hands.. snuggle/cuddle in bed... we are lovey with each other, but there's no heat...
I'll also add in - the sex, when we do have it, is predictable and somewhat boring... I know every single move he'll make and what order he'll make them and how long he'll stay in one position... it's a script that never changes.
I've tried talking to him about changing things up, and he takes offense saying he must not be pleasing me or I must not be happy with what he's doing... and pretty much closes off... And to be honest, it's pretty much gotten to the point where he's shut down in general... I actually suggested sex last night and he brushed it off saying I didn't seem to really want him (I asked if he wanted to have sex rather than just initiating) and got grumpy about it, which turned me off of what little desire I may have had and nothing happened.
We have talked about these problems... we've talked til we're blue in the face... and pretty much it's led to I just need to suck it up and have sex if we're going to have any kind of sex life... which I do... I suck it up and just have sex... but I miss *wanting* to have sex... and now with a FI who has pretty much given up too, it doesn't make it any easier to push myself to want it...
I suppose there's no real specific question here... other than just a slap of reality and any helpful advice.... Thanks.
Re: No Sex Life
get off hormonal birth control!!!!
If you want a method that doesn't require condoms try a copper IUD or a diaphragm. You clearly can't work with those hormones.
This.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
The previous posts are right, get a new doc, there are other methods of BC that can work for you!
Keep communicating with your FI to make sure you understand each other, and then try to surprise him with something new, special, etc. Sometimes your sex life is most influenced by how the other person perceives you (i.e. if he thinks you aren't into it, he won't be either).
Lastly, though you can communicate with one another, maybe you should bring in a 3rd party perspective, talk to a sex therapist and see if they can provide a little insight that the two of you haven't thought of/tried.
Good luck
If you think your sex life sucks now, it will not only suck after the wedding, it will also be a permanent problem. Marriage won't change him into a hot smokin' animal who wants sex sex and more sex and more sex on top of that.
Get another gyn. That type of answer is not one that is medically addressing the problem -- I suggest you go off oral BCPs altogether and use something else nonhormonal. WHy not try a diaphragm and foam/condom instead?
He needs to be a bit more proactive and mature about discussing your sex life -- as you can see, sex is one of the biggies that a couple will knock heads over (the others are religion and money and kids) He's got to be more open minded and adult about achieving a solution with you.
I see nothing wrong with the both of you going to a mainstream book store and buying a couples-only "how to" sex manual. Why not do that together?
Don't marry this guy until you get an adequate and good solution to the problem that you are having.
Maybe you 2 are in a sexual rut...or it may be possible that the relationship is petering out and is at its finale.
When you started to have this problem with the same ole in and out, you should have addressed it back then and made sure you and he worked on this together --- I find his meh-ness a bit disturbing: you and he are a couple, and are supposed to be working on achieving a solution together. If he can't work on improving your sex life with you as part of a 2 person team, what IS he going to work on with you as a couple, in the future???
As I said, you are having way too much breakthrough bleeding. Get another form of birth control and get yourself another doctor. That comment he or she made was not only unacceptable it also did not solve the problem. GL.