Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
A fine line..
I usually post on The Bump, but this doesn't seem to fit in with the BMB, blended families, etc. other boards I usually lurk on.
SO has been very distant lately. I can't seem to get him to really open up, and trying to walk that fine line of opening up conversation versus nagging.
How do you get that balance in your relationship? Both of our previous marriages were highly dysfunctional, and I'm trying hard to keep from going there again.
Re: A fine line..
That's such a hard thing to do!
It feels like most of his silence is directed toward me, like he's testing me to see if I care.... now this may just be old scars, old ways of thinking from past relationships that were full of drama.
Giving it time is difficult, I just want our relationship back to normal asap.
Learn how to fight with him. Find out what works best as a way to communicate when you aren't getting along or if there are things that need to be brought up.
Things won't improve unless you guys figure out what works for you. If you have both had previous relationships that were highly dysfunctional, learn from it and use it to make your relationship stronger.
Last, use your words carefully. Don't make pointed statements that sound like accusations (i.e. you didn't, you never, why don't you, etc) because it could put him on the defensive right away. Instead try something like "I feel like" or "it seems like" that way he knows you are stating something as your interpretation of it, versus something he's doing wrong (even if he is
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Good luck!
I can't say that I've been in your shoes, but I've read a few marraige therapy books, so maybe something like this will work for you.
Instead of trying to pull him into your emotional space, try to meet him in his. Men tend to think things like simply being in the same room with each other, watching a movie is bonding, whereas women want to seek out some sort of eye to eye emotional contact. Instead of asking him to talk to you (over and over) just exist with him for a little while. Let him relax. Bond with him on his level. One he's had a chance to process things on his own and you've spend some time (and I mean 4 to 7 days, not one night) trying to get to know his space, then maybe he'll be ready to talk.
The best book I ever read was "For Her Eyes Only" when DH and I were early dating. He read "For His Eyes Only" and it sparked some great conversations. It helped me to understand him as a man, not just as a person. (There is a difference) and he me. It might not be everyone's cup of tea, but it worked for us.
I hope the two of you are able to recomment soon. Best of luck to you!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
I recommend The Five Love Languages. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
There is a reason this book is suggested all the time here. It is a great book for figuring people out - it is written for spouses, but the principles can be applied to any relationship. Once you identify exactly HOW *you* perceive love and affection, you can provide a road map to your partner so they can give you love in the way that you will feel it. When you know your partners "love language", you can then show them love in a way they can feel.
Think of it like a radio. You can be doing all sorts of things that YOU think show your love to your husband...like a radio station broadcasting their songs. But if you are showing your love in a way that doesn't register for your husband, he will never feel loved. If he is not tuned in to your radio station, he is not receiving your love.
When you figure it out for yourself, you can tell your partner "I really feel loved when you do things for me that are above and beyond. When you went out of your way to bring me lunch at work last week, I was just over the moon!" When your partner knows what he/she needs to do to "fill your love tank", it makes it easier to do so. Takes the guess work out of it and removes the silly notion of "Well, if he loved me, he would just KNOW."
I see this as a problem for us. Our past marriages were both full of fighting, anger, and resentment. I think we're both scared to fight, even if it is productive fighting. When our current issues smooth over, I'll bring this up to him.
This is what gets me. Aside from recently, we both were very focused on learning from our pasts. I feel even more hurt by his presumtive comments of "you know I've only ever wanted one thing for you {for me to be happy}, and it's obvious I'm failing".
This is all great advice, and something I very much try to do. Because it's true. Many times things aren't how I perceive them... usually due to those pesky hormones!
And you shouldn't be living day to day wondering what he's thinking about or what is happening.
I suggest you request to have a long talk with him. He needs to be honest with you and tell you exactly what is happening.
If he won't give it up with what he's thinking, you'll continue to be in limbo. That's no way to live a life.
I see this as a problem for us. Our past marriages were both full of fighting, anger, and resentment. I think we're both scared to fight, even if it is productive fighting. When our current issues smooth over, I'll bring this up to him.
What I mean is make sure you use what you learned from your past relationship that was unhealthy and use it in a positive way in your marriage. Ex: maybe ex-H would scream yell or call names, obviously this isn't healthy communication, don't do it in your relationship now. My FI and I have learned that the best way for us to discuss something when we are both heated is to take a minute, a breath, and talk to each other, yelling doesn't solve problems, open honest communication does. If your H shuts down or shuts you out, ask him if he's comfortable writing it down. Some people can organize their thoughts better on paper and he can use that as a way to get communication started with you.
This is what gets me. Aside from recently, we both were very focused on learning from our pasts. I feel even more hurt by his presumtive comments of "you know I've only ever wanted one thing for you {for me to be happy}, and it's obvious I'm failing".
You aren't failing at making him happy. You guys are at a rough patch, it happens in relationships as they evolve. I think if at all possible try to set some time aside with him, and let him know how you are feeling, make sure he's receptive to it, and then ask him what you can do to make his life easier, relationship better, etc. Like Tarpon said, you aren't a mind reader.
GL
He was in therapy, then lost his job and health insurance. He's going back in the next week or two.
I know I probably should be in therapy myself, but to be 100% honest I'm afraid to. The cost and time of it serves as my excuse, but I'm scared to dig up those old emotions and revisit things (I guess I also don't know what therapy is all about.. so maybe I'm assuming it'll be intense)