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Advice Please!
my husband and I have been married for almost a year now. we didn't live together before we got married....and we were both virgins when we got married. I won't say that the sex is terrible because well, it isn't. I do enjoy it but at the same time....I'm finding myself a little frustrated I suppose.
My husband comes VERY early and I have yet to experience any real pleasure myself (orgasm or anything). We've tried a few different positions, he's gone down on mea few times, he does masterbate, and we've been working on ways to change our foreplay before we get started....but we are both still so new to this.
Is there anything that anyone can offer me on how to get him to last longer? or just changes in general to spice up our love life? Since it's over so quickly....I find myself more 'bummed' i guess about having sex because I know I won't enjoy it nearly as much as he will. you know?
I don't expect him to be perfect of anything - I don't even know enough myself about any of this to be an expert! I just know that there could be more - probably on both our parts - to make the sex more enjoyable. Anyway, thank you for any advice!
Re: Advice Please!
1) Make sure he 'edges' when he masturbates,..ie, gets as close to orgasm as possible several times and 'edges' on the brink. This will enable him to gain control and also have a good idea of his level of arousal at all times. For more info read the books of Dr Barbara Keesling where you will find her method of plotting male arousal in 10 steps.
2) Get involved with at least some of his masturbation sessions as it will help him and you will also learn a lot.
3) Try bringing him to orgasm/ejaculation BEFORE (or at the start) of foreplay so that he is less frisky once you move on to intercourse. Some men find it better to ejaculate 30 mins of so before sex even begins.
4) Make sure he does daily pelvic floor or 'Kegel' type excercises to strengthen his pelvic muscles,...these will help his endurance a lot.
5) Get a good sex manual and read it together.
6) If he has an unplanned ejaculation DON'T get visibly annoyed,..just change seamlessly to oral for you or some other part of foreplay and carry straight on as if it had not happened until he can go again.
more oral. LOTS more oral. mostly for you! A few times doesn't cut it. Most women need intense clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Not a few women, MOST. If his tongue gets tired he has fingers! If they get tired it's time for a vibrator. You should have an orgasm FIRST. BEFORE HE GETS ANY ATTENTION. It doesn't have to stay this way forever but he is not taking care of you right now. 80% of the time I get the first orgasm (and often the 2nd or 3rd). Then we have intercourse and he comes. I might have one from intercourse but only after a few prior good intense ones. You're not getting ANY good intense arousal so as far as I'm concerned he's not doing his job. That's ok. He's new to this too.
If you have never masturbated, and never had any orgasms, I'd recommend you add some vibrator play to your sex together. You might need 30 minutes of foreplay, teasing, and DIRECT stimulation to have an actual orgasm. That's ok. It probably won't take the vibrator forever, but it is a great way to find your path to orgasms.
Thank you for your help! At this point, anything is appreciated. We have so much to learn and have no idea where to start. We will give this a try. Thank you!
This
TTC since September 2012
You know, most of the other letters here, and all replies would have asked you if you yourself masturbate. I did not see this in your letter (I read that he does) so I will be the one to ask you. Do you masturbate? If not, you really should.
You were both virgins (which is fine) and although there are sex manuals out there, neither you or he came with a manual (pun not intended). Maybe he just doesn't know what makes you tick. Maybe you don't know. If you find out what works for you, you can tell/show him and sex can be more satisfying for both of you.
That's the only new thing I can add to this. Good luck!
i was going to ask this as well. DH and I were virgins and the first year was the worse when it comes to sex. I had fun but rarely had an orgasam and we were working on figuring things out. I was really uncomfortable verbalizing what I liked because I wasn't really sure. I more I talked the better things got. You should be taken care of before intercourse. It is easy to assume that intercourse is how you are suppose to orgasm and if not your doing something wrong. That is not the case. Just keep talking and keep it simple. Oh and try being on top first, that may be less stimulating for him.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
This is great advice!! I agree with everything here!
Have you tried Sliquid RIde Rock Delay Spray? It is a male desensitizer that enhances his stamina and prolongs sex.
http://www.mysecretluxury.com/bath-body/sexual-stimulants/sliquid-ride-rock-delay-spray
Does he take care of business on the side? This actually could be a great way for him to work on his self control. He can learn to become familiar with his own body and the signs that he is getting close....etc.
So many times couple view masterbation as a direct insult....but really it is a healthy part of life. You need to explain to him that his 'new job' is to very aware of his body while he is taking care of himself. He needs to learn some self control....and the only way he can do that is by learning his limits.
I have found that if my boyfriend 'takes care of business' on the days we don't have sex he actually last longer during sex. By lasting longer, it gives ME a chance to enjoy things and get my cookies too!
Make a pregnancy ticker
Masterbate with each other, each watching, learning and then helping the other to "get there". Try to not be in a hurry during these sessions... Sometimes it's difficult to say what you need, when you're not sure, so ask for more time (in each session) in order to figure it out.
And talk to each other. As they say, the brain is the biggest sex organ.
Good luck! Somehow I feel this advice should go to your H, hopefully he is reading these with you.