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Sexting Husband
I am in so much pain right now, I don't even know where to begin. I started noticing for a while how my husband had his phone with him all the time, constantly on facebook and texting his so called buddies. Well, one night we had come home from a night with friends drinking, he was completely out once he got into bed. I have always had a real problem getting to sleep easily, and on this night I was very uneasy. So I got his phone and looked through the texts, what did I find texts between him and my supposed friend, there very sexual in nature and some pictures of her naked. I started shaking and crying immediately, I couldn't stop. I was in rage and pushed him awake and demanded explanation. His eyes were huge and he just tried to hold me and I pushed him the hell away from me I was so angry. He told me it had been going on for a few weeks but that nothing happened between them other than the sexting. He said that he was sorry but that he had been wanting my attention for a long time and he figured I was doing something behind his back. I am a full time graduate student finishing up my masters, we had been together before I started my masters for a while. Yes, he had confronted me before of needing more time from me previously. And I yelled back at him how the hell was I suppose to find time to be unfaithful to him when I am exhausted from school and spending time with him. While we talked after this incident I asked him was there anything else I needed to know, he said no and that he knows he might have a problem with the sexting thing and he wanted to go to counseling with me to work it out. I was numb for a couple days after this and my mind did several turns analzying everthing, so much to the point that I got onto his laptop and found facebook messages to other women, few of which I have met previously that are or were girlfriends to his guy friends. I read them all, and was completely heart broken of what I read. This had been going on for nearly a year, non of the messages mention sexual encounters that occurred but many of them stated that they loved him. I messaged all these women and asked if they had slept with him, they were such cowards that they couldn't even answer my question. I confronted him again about all this and he was so nervous that he just started throwing up. I asked him how many and he said like 20 and I just couldn't believe he had been texting all these women and he hadn't slept with any of them.. he swore up and down that he didn't and only on one occasion he came close but then turned around and drove back home. I have been going out of my mind from all this. I feel so hurt and betrayed. Does the pain end there, no, I saw that he had left his yahoo messenger up on his laptop and saw the messages from the first woman I mentioned that was supposedly my friend. Messages after I found his original sextexts with her but they were more messages from her trying to reach him after I confronted him about the facebook messages but he hadn't replied back to her. We did start going to marriage counseling but we have to wait again after the holidays are over to start going back.
I am not asking anyone to take sides. I know it takes two for a marriage to work. What he did is beyond wrong, its something I would never do to him. We have talked and talked and he knows that trust right now is fairly non-existent right now. He has said to me that he waited for a long time for me to find the messages trying to reach me for the affection I use to give him more often. He has never locked his phone or his laptop. He has sworn he never had sex with any of these women, and that he was going to talk to be about all the texting with the other women, but he wanted to talk about it in therapy. He tried to get my attention and in the end made it worse by pushing me further away, his words. What does he expect, I am so hurt. I am in a mixture of feelings at the moment with anger, rage, pain, hate, and resentment to name a few but at the same time I love him so much. Because of the thanksgiving and christmas holidays I haven't spoken about this to my childhood bestfriends to vent.
I really just posted this to vent and maybe let out some more unshed tears hear. I know what some of you might say that I should leave him and maybe some will say to continue working it out, but in the end its no straight decision to make and I am not entirely sure I want to make it right now. I really want for us to work on our marriage and be able to one day trust him, we took a vow and to me that is sacred. But I am also fully aware that without trust, how can there be a relationship. I am just holding on to faith at the moment.
Re: Sexting Husband
I can't write much because I have to leave for work but had to say something. I have been in almost the same situation. I am now divorcing my H.
Personally, for me, I tried for almost two years after finding out about his activities and we went to counseling plus he went to individual counseling. None of it really helped in the end. It was like the trust was gone and there was so much distance and hurt and anger we could not get past it.
I am so sorry for the pain you are in and I know just how it feels! It is devastating. I can tell you it gets better. I am over the pain now but please know my thoughts are with you. It's heartbreaking.
p.s. I don't believe your H--his behavior sounds pretty chronic...
Call your doctor and get a STD test ASAP. The trust is broken so why would you believe anything coming out of his mouth? Relationships go through cycles all the time, you are busy at school so he starts this up? What a great guy. Wonder what he would do when you are pregnant or sick and on pelvic rest.
This sounds fresh, but he did cheat on you weather physical contact was made or not. A married, faithful man does not have naked pictures of women sent to him. Also, those women you contacted? You need to realize they don't owe you a damn thing, your H is the one who said vows to you, not them. As for the supposed friend you need to get into individual counseling and see why you attract people who hurt you.
Good Luck
I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I can totally relate! My ex-husband did the same thing to me. It was only with one person (a co-worker) but still I never felt so betrayed in my life!!!! I can still remember finding the texts and the naked pictures. He swore nothing physical was going on and maybe not but I completely lost all trust in him. We really had a good marriage and I had no idea he was "unhappy" and looking for it elsewhere...he never communicated with me about his feelings. I don't care how "sad" or "unhappy" a spouse is....there is NO EXCUSE EVER to cheat whether it is physical or emotional...NONE and I feel very strongly about that. I always made it VERY clear to anyone I was with that, you cheat, you are gone! I do take my vows seriously too...but what happened to the being faithful part?? Once trust has been broken, in my opinion, it is over! You husband KNEW what he was doing was wrong...he not only did it once but several times! I could no longer deal with the lack of trust in my marriage and we got divorced. It?s funny how right after I moved out, this co-worker that he was having an emotional affair with moved in. I know it's super hard and it will be for quite some time. Just know that what you are feeling is completely normal and you must do what you have to do. If things do not work out in your marriage, then that?s what is meant to be. YOU did NOTHING wrong here and don?t let your husband tell you otherwise. My ex-husband tried to do this too?he would say, ?Well, I felt like you didn?t care anymore!? BS!!!!! Don?t let him make you feel guilty. I wish you a lot of luck?it?s going to be a long road no matter which road you take.
I have a real problem with how much blame he is trying to put on you for this. He was trying to get your attention, you were too busy, you didn't give him enough attention. Really?!?! Because good, honest, respectful husbands don't repeatedly sext other women when they miss you. They say "hey honey, I know we've been busy, but I'm missing you. Lets plan a date night." Or "how can I help you so that you can be less stressed and we can spend time together."
This guy betrayed your trust, and I see him absolving himself of a lot of responsibility. It's not a real apology when it's followed by a "but you...".
I understand you take the vows seriously but obviously he didn't, this wasn't a one time texting issue, if the trust is gone, I don't think you should stay married, there is no need for anyone to be stressed out over their spouse - this can affect your health too. None of this is your fault, he should quit trying to act like it is. There are plenty of students that are married or have spouses that work 12 hrs or longer each day and they don't run off to text, email, message other people. Your husband is disrespectful and you should remove him and this so called friend of yours from your life, good luck to you and hopefully counseling helps for You to be strong and move on without him.
Get rid of this pathetic fool.
He's had an affair. Yep, even this phone sexting and behaving/talking inappropriately with other women: they call it an emotional affair but an affair is an affair.
Show him the door asap. Any affair is a dealbreaker.
You want to trust him someday?
I'll give it to you straight like a Dutch uncle: that may be impossible to do. Trust is a funny thing: once it's gone, it is very difficult to re-establish and really, every marriage is built on trust. You cannot trust this guy and that is the bottom line.
Gee, what a hero:
I asked him how many and he said like 20 and I just couldn't believe he had been texting all these women and he hadn't slept with any of them.. he swore up and down that he didn't and only on one occasion he came close but then turned around and drove back home.
You and he are only married a year and a half. I would not doubt if this bullshit was an ongoing thing before you were married to him and he merely managed to cover his tracks very well.
At any rate, he is showing you loud and clear he is into the single guy lifestyle. No happily married man chats up other women inappropriately and he certainly doesn't sext other women.
Listen to the PPs who have been in the same spot you have been in. You're not the only one this has happened to and as I said: this is an affair. Therefore it is a dealbreaker.
Put yourself first. That's what matters here. GL.
Does he do this often?
If he does, he's a drunk, also, as well as a whoremaster. That's 2 things you do not need: you do not need a drunk and you do not need a whoremaster.
And pretty keen if he drove himself home in that condition.
The sooner you are free of this dead weight the better off you will be.
I went through the same exact situations with my husband, However this was all happening through our engagement. We went to premarital counseling, and he met with some doctors before that and we nothing was working. He couldn't get over the sexting, and flirting and understanding that a ring means commitment to one person and one person only.My husband (fiance at the time) like yours, also told me that nothing happened between the "sext-ees".
We have now been married for 4 months now and things are going extremely well. We made the decision to change his phone number, we created a joint facebook account and deleted our individual ones and we communicate everyday about our feelings. and often times reflect on how stupid he acted.
You and your husband will work it out! It takes time and the willingness from you both to want to work it out. If you need advice or help with anything, do not hesitate to message me! I feel like i've been through it all.
Get rid of him! Once a cheat always a cheat!
And out of the blue and with a lot of work, you "cured" this guy of his cheating.
That you changed a phone number is meaningless -- he can obtain another phone and use it just to keep in contact with the fillies he's got in his stable.
And you know what I say about fb -- he can be there under an alias.
I am not trying to bust your bubble but the point is where there is a will there's a way -- and no way would I feel the same way about somebody after he's cheated on me.
I personally can't fathom how you still pursued marriage when it was clear that this guy had other women on his brain.
Are you fing kidding me?!? You are in a marriage that you have to Police your H to remain faithful? Good luck with this.
4 whole months? wow that is amazing!
And wow, he's cured??? Amazing.
If you and he are married now, say 15 years and he hasn't "touched a drop since", then maybe --- just maybe we'd be a tad bit impressed he gave up extracurricular sports. Until then....sorry, no cigar.:(
I'm not going to judge. OP know this: if you do try to work on your marriage, it's going to be a relationship where you are constantly checking up and, as PP perfectly said, policing your husband. Is this really how a marriage should be? I tried to forgive my STBXH but I couldn't live my life on the precipice that he was somehow going to f-ck up and break my heart again. I came to the conclusion that my marriage was basically a farce because trust was lacking. If you decide to work on it and, maybe it does work out, but just remember when you're logging onto his Facebook account at 1 in the morning, this is the life you chose.
And trust your gut. It never ever fails you.
The internet can have super powers. I highly doubt your real-life friends would be as blunt about suggesting you divorce your cheating a$$hat husband. Here, though, you're getting really honest opinions. We are women who would NEVER put up with someone treating us this way. I have no room for forgiveness for someone who lies to me, disrespects me, and shows through his actions that our relationship means nothing to him. When I've DATED those men I've dumped their butts. There's no chance I'd marry one (or stay married once I learned the truth).
I think you're crazy for considering to stay with a man like this. I think in 5-10 years you'll realize how stupid you behaved and kick yourself, a lot. I can tell you this because the internet is a magical place...or perhaps I'm the kind of gal who would tell her friends regardless.
It takes great courage and maturity to rebuild a relationship after this behavior.
Long-term counseling can/does truly change people. You and your husband may come out closer and stronger than ever after all of this. It's going to take a lot of time, openness and patience. Which were 2 things that my husband and I struggled with through dating and our engagement. People really do change and paranoia will destroy a marraige.
Build up confidence and self esteem (Even though it will be hard). Choose to forgive and move on. Focus on your marriage and filling each others love tanks. Talk about EVERYTHING. Communicate and understand each other's needs.
I do not police my husband. He made the decision to MAN up, mature and build boundaries that will build our marriage up, rather than break it down. He surrounds himself with good people and weeded out the bad influences without hesitation.
It is possible, if you are willing to make it work. If you are both willing.
DD: 6/27/2012, 2 lb. 0 oz., 29 weeks 0 days (severe pre-e/HELLP).
This guy probably has a nice little sex addiction, too.
Teacher: it's possible your H's online contact had no clue he was married. And if I were you, I'd show him the door.
You cannot trust him anymore.
That's why you need to show him out, and also consider adultery is a dealbreaker. If he does it once he will do it again.
I believe a counselor or a mental health professional will tell you this is not so:
I find myself wanting to do things to him that they talked about..so he won't want to do this again. Sounds crazy doesn't it.