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Don't know where to turn
Let me start off by saying I've gone to a number of therapists through the years and the fact that I still struggle with a lot of the same things I've always struggled with, makes me think either therapy doesn't work for me or I'm incapable of changing/getting better.
I have so many things in my life right now that I'm struggling with I don't even know which one to write about or focus on. The lesser of the evils; needing to lose weight/eat healthier but feel almost out of control and am sure food is "comforting" me in life right now, also, I'm a SAHM to two small children and daily or even every other day showers are rare. I'm sure if I really wanted to make the effort I could look better and cleaner, but it feels like one thing I don't have to make an effort on, so it's falling to the wayside.
I'm sure there are more of those type of things. But then there are extreme/pressing things too. It all is probably relative, but life feels very mundane right now. I love my children more than life. I am blessed to have them and to live this life caring for them, I really believe that. However, most days feel like I'm just keeping us all alive for tomorrow. Watching days pass by, thinking of all things that need to be done. My home business needs attention, the house needs to be cleaned, laundry done, kids fed (hopefully a little healthier than I feed myself), bathed and loved. Seems they often get too much time in front of the tv. I often feel guilty that I should be doing more with them, teaching them or taking them to library story hour or playgroups, etc. Try to occasionally do something with my husband or something with/for others. And on a rare occasion, do something for myself.
This will be really confusing but I really love my life. Can't believe how lucky I am. I don't want this time in my life to just slip away. I want to live in the now and enjoy it and remember it and soak it in. But I'm not, I'm literally getting through each day. Never feeling like I soaked anything in because I was stressing about needing to do this or that or depressed because the things I'd like to be doing (i.e., documenting this phase of our life as a keepsake - similar to scrapbooking but not scrapbooking, etc.) I never get to.
Another big thing I'm stuggling with is my marriage. I love my husband. I want us to be together forever. I want to be happy. But wanting these things doesn't seem to be making them so. I often do not feel passionate about him. The best example I can give is, when we argue, like a real true argument (not just a disagreement), maybe once every other month, all I can think is I want to leave. Take the kids and leave. That's not normal. I mean, maybe if he was cheating or beating me, but just because we are arguing! Not normal. But the only thing I can think is I must not love him enough to want to work through everything. I guess a good marriage you'd think "we are just arguing but that doesn't mean I want to leave, I love this person and I'm sorry, let's work it out." I don't feel that. I feel "I'm sick of you, I can't stand you, the good isn't enough to keep me here". Which makes me really sad, because my husband is a really good man. He's loyal and committed and the most steady eddie you can imagine. But he barely has a romantic bone in his body. And yet, I know he loves me. He puts up with me. He loves me inspite of me.
We've been together 15 years and so I know we aren't going to just quit, but I shouldn't constantly be wanting to.
I'm very confused. I have no confidence in going to a therapist. I'm on an antidepressant that I don't want to be on, but probably do need. Could probably consider uping my dose or changing to something else. But will all of the above just disappear because I'm on an antidepressant? Not sure that's healthy.
For anyone still reading, thank you. for anyone who has advice, please share. I know this is just a small blurp about a lot I have going on, but anything can help.
Re: Don't know where to turn
How old is your youngest? I feel you on every point, I did the same thing right down to not showering. Go to thearpy call your doctor and get on a new meds. It took the third try to get the right one for me.
You will be okay, you just need some tools and help to get there. Also, stop stressing about the little things. As mothers we always think we "could" do XY&Z. Your kids don't really care about that, they just need Mommy to be happy. Baby steps, wake up, shower & get ready. 2 weeks later take the kids to the park. 4 weeks later join a moms group, etc.
For me the staying at home part was killing me. I quit my job which was a huge part of my self and social life. Also PPD and PPA didn't help matters. It took 2 years for me to fully adjust and come back. Don't wait like I did for the first year, call doctors first thing Monday and ask for help. I wish you the best. Feel free to PM me.
If they are old enough for playgroups, playdates, Daisy Scouts or some other group activity that is geared to their age -- towns usually have tons of them even for the youngest of kids, such as library story hours, craft groups, kiddie movies, etc --- by all means sign them up for the fun.
You need down time and alone time. When they're at that group endeavor, partake in something you want to do for yourself.
I am sure there are neighborhood moms -- do any of the moms socialize and commiserrate? maybe it's something you can organize, even if it is you and just 1 or 2 other mothers.
Obviously you have been dealing with depression for a long time. You can still talk to your doctor about different dosages/ meds. Otherwise, I don't have a lot of advice on the long term depression.
Depression aside, you have to do some things for yourself too though to make your life better/ easier. For example you are trying to do a home business while taking care of the kids. Most people that work from home have childcare, so getting a babysitter/ mother's helper might be something to look into. Could you hire a maid/ housekeeper to help out with you feeling overwhelmed? Can your husband help with chores/ kids more?
I feel like you are trying to be supermom/ superwife which is a really bad place to be in because you give all yourself away and have nothing left. I know the kids are important, but there is no way to take care of them if you don't take of yourself. The most important thing you can do for your kids is give them a happy mom. A good role model for your kids is someone who makes it a priority to also take care of themselves. Even if you don't feel like showing and eating well I would force yourself to do it as a role model to the kids, and after a month it should become a habit and a lot easier.
Hang in there mama!
I am getting the feeling from your post that you are just way too overcommitted. Is there any way you can minimize things? Like another poster said, you SAH and have a home business with two little ones? It may be time to re-evaluate your priorities, and try to cut out the things that are not necessary.
I am not an expert in depression, but it sounds like you may need a higher dose or even a different Rx. I've seen it make a big difference in FI. There's no harm in talking to your doctor about it.
Have you discussed with YH about feeling stretched too thin? I have had similar feelings recently, and expressed to FI that I was just completely overwhelmed with balancing life. We've found a little bit more of what works for us. I write down the tasks that need to be done that day on a whiteboard on our fridge. I'll comment about it when we have a minute without screaming kids, and we usually work out who will do what and roughly when. I also save quiet cleaning (bathrooms, folding laundry) for when the kids are in bed. So much easier to get done without little ones in the way!
I have been trying very hard to keep the big picture in mind. Will the kids remember if the vacuuming got done a day later than I intended it? No! Will they remember making Christmas cookies with me? Yes. Will they remember all of us chasing each other around like monkeys? I hope so
Make an effort to soak in the moment for a few minutes a day. Taking just 15 minutes to get some good quality snuggles, or read that new book, isn't going to set you back on things you need to accomplish, plus it can give you a really good mood boost.
GL! Hugs!
I think you're wrong here.
A. You sound clinically depressed. I don't think your meds are working well enough AT ALL. Get back to your doctor and change the meds or up the dose.
B. Brains are funny things. Our brains tell us things like 'you want to go grope that sexy stranger'. Most people don't ACT on this thought. Brains tell us we want to kill ourselves and sometimes our spouses. My 'favorite' of the terrible thoughts I have is the desire to throw my sweetie out a tall window. Something about that is satisfying to my brain. I don't REALLY want that, and I certainly would never act on that, but something in my brain has gotten wired to think of that when I'm angry/hurting/feeling unloved. I, too, have the brain pathway to 'Screw this I just want to leave'. I've had it my whole life. My mom demonstrated this pattern (and moved out several times but never divorced my dad). Maybe I got it from her, but that doesn't matter. I have it. It goes through my head when I'm really angry. Practically every time. My therapy work has been focused on not SAYING or ACTING on this impulse because rational Anssett doesn't really want to leave. When I say it it hurts my sweetie and I don't want that either. I've made HUGE progress in turning down the audio dial on that voice. But it's not gone.
YOU ARE NOT BROKEN BECAUSE YOU HAVE THESE THOUGHTS AND ARE DEPRESSED. You're depressed and have well worn brain patterns. Nothing about that means you don't love your husband. Your actions speak 10,000,000 times louder than your brain crazy.
Please get your meds checked by your doc. It could do wonders for you.